Guy with long dreadlocks: Why you keep bothering me, man? Why can’t you just go away?
Guy with short dreadlocks: Why don’t you tell your mama to go away?
Guy with long dreadlocks: Awww, man, why you gotta bring my mama into this?! [To woman in ticket booth] Hey, lady! Woman! Call the law, man!
Woman in ticket booth: Excuse me?
Guy with long dreadlocks: The law, man! Call the law!
–In front of ticket machines, Union Station
Overheard by: didn’t want to get involved
Woman to friend: Hey, you know, this is where that lesbian touched my ass!
–W 3rd Ave & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Sakura
Chick on cell: We’re, like, the best pseudo-lesbian couple who send out erotic postcards in the world. And you can quote me on that, missy!
–Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Man wearing rainbow wig and playing a ukulele: This next song is dedicated to all the fathers out there who play with their children and take them places. To the fathers who don’t — the lesbians have a point.
–In line for Statue of Liberty
Overheard by: Stas
Nine-year-old boy: I am a lesbian, I am a lesbian…
–Central Park
Girl showing necklace to friend: You’re a raging dyke! Would you wear this?
–Canal & Church St
Overheard by: NYCDoll
Mom: What time is the flight tomorrow?
Dad: Seven a.m. We have to get up at 4:30.
Little girl: Mommy, we’re going on an airplane?
Mom: Yes, honey, we’re going to Florida tomorrow.
Little girl: Why are we going to Florida, Mommy?
Mom: We’re going to Grandpa’s unveiling.
Little girl, terrified: Mommy, I don’t want to see Grandpa. He’s dead and scary.
Dad: [Laughing.]Mom: Robert, shut up!
–Christopher & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1
A lady tries to catch her balance on the moving subway by grabbing the handle of a stroller in the aisle.
Baby mama: Excuse me?! Why is yous touchin’ my fuckin’ stroller for?!
Grabby lady: Oh, I’m sorry.
Baby mama to her baby daddy: What the fuck?!
Dude nearby: That baby doesn’t have a chance.
–Manhattan-bound N train
Overheard by: Jared
Customer: They don’t have stars today like we had. This Britney Spears…
Owner: She’s a pig.
Customer: She’s a pig.
Owner: She’s a pig.
Customer: She’s a pig! You know what’s wrong with her? Her mother shoulda smacked her in the mouth more often.
–Pet store, 25th & 3rd, Sunset Park
Overheard by: Pippa
Little girl totters from side to side.
Mom: What are you doing, honey?
Little girl: Today I’m going to walk like Daddy!
–117th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: amused bystander
Black dude on cell: No! No one outside of the family sleeps with my Grandma!
–Parking lot
Man to dogs sniffing each other: Stop! Do not molest your sister in public!
–57th St & 7th Ave
Girl: I’d love to date you, but first we need to get a blood test to make sure we’re not second cousins.
–NYU Kimmel Center
Overheard by: tj
Mid-40s guy: So, it was like me on my grandparents’ bed with my mom…
–Penn Station
Hipster on cell: Thanksgiving ended, and we still don’t know. Is Leland having sex with his father’s girlfriend?
–Outside UCB Theatre
Girl #1: Ugh, my mom.
Girl #2: What about her?
Girl #1: She’s like, ‘Can you get me a beer?’
Girl #2: Yeah?
Girl #1: And I’m like, ‘You mean a case?’ And she says, ‘I don’t drink a case.’ And I’m all, ‘You mean, you could drink more?’
Girl #2: Oh, yeah?
Girl #1: Yeah… And thank god she’s fixed, otherwise I’d have, like, 18 brothers and sisters running around.
–6 train from 23rd St
Overheard by: Mark
Boy: Yeah, I mean, the only way that I’d be pissed is if you stabbed me…
–Butler Library, Columbia University
Dude: He threw a bagel at me — knocked me the fuck out!
–15th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Michael Pantozzi
Guidance counselor mediating a conflict between a flock of tween girls: Okay, Yamira* can still go on the field trip, because she told the truth about punching Janalin* in the face.
–PS 8, Washington Heights
Little boy: Smack that, lalalala! [Smacks brother in stroller.] Smack that, lalalala! [Smacks brother again.] Smack that! Lalalala!
–Macy’s
Overheard by: amused sales associate
Guy on cell: Yeah, after that hug I wanted to punch her.
–Walgreens, Union Square
Working girl #1: I love your ring. Where’d you get it?
Working girl #2: It’s my grandma’s. We just found her will.
Working girl #1: Wait, oh my god, when did your grandmother die?
Working girl #2: She hasn’t, yet.
–4/5/6 train, Wall St station
