God

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Alpha and the Omega

Columbia dude to Columbia chick: I’m trying to figure out what the hell God wants me to be. He either wants me to be a doctor or a lawyer — I can’t decide.

–Nussbaum and Wu Bakery and Cafe, 112th & Broadway

Five-year-old girl watching a dog go through airport security: Oh, please God, pleeease don’t let it die!

–JFK

Dude on cell: No, it’s okay, I understand. I’ll see you another time [hangs up]. Yes! I don’t have to go out tonight — his grandma died! There is a god! I’m going home to go to bed.

–Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway

Overheard by: andrea

Woman: I don’t got no PhD — my degree is from God.

–19th & Broadway

God: Say My Name! Say It!

Teacher: Do you know who the Evangelists were?
Student: Weren’t they, like, God’s bitches?

–Parson’s Art History class

God Insists on Saying ‘Between You and I’

Blonde Teen: So I’m taking that religion class.
Brunette Teen: Oh yeah? The one where you read the Bible right?
Blonde teen: Yeah that one. And get this, we are about to start reading the Book of Proverbs.
Brunette Teen: Oh My God! I didn’t know the Bible had a grammar section.
Blonde Teen: Me neither!!
Brunette Teen: Oh man, I bet it totally tells you how to speak like God… Except properly, you know?
Blonde Teen: [Gasp] I bet it totally does.
Brunette Teen: Ugh! I wish I had taken that class.

–The Original Ray’s Pizza

…But Pat Robertson Said That Would All End Once I Stopped Ass-Fucking Other Men

Guy #1: What’s up with all these storms and tornadoes?
Guy #2: God is coming soon.
Guy #1: I know, but ….

–Campus Rd, Brooklyn College

Overheard by: shemah

Christian Science By Proxy

Singing hobo: I’m gonna praise Him! I’m gonna thank Him in His naaaame!
Dude #1 gives the hobo a dollar.
Singing hobo: Thank you. God bless you.
Dude #2: Dude, my balls still hurt.
Dude #1: Did you take anything?

–Northbound N

Overheard by: Matt Hartwick

The Suppressed Eleventh Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Not Bogart the Roach’

Boy 1: Hey, what was that Exodus story about the burning bush? You know, didn’t God give him something?
Boy 2: Yeah, God gave him the holy weed, and he smoked it.

–F train

Overheard by: Fareeda

It’s Actually a Quaker Oatmeal Cake

Boy #1: Wow, cake is God.
Boy #2: So you’re eating God, then.
Boy #3: How very Catholic of you.

–College party

Astonishingly, This Didn’t Work When He Asked His Wife to Do Anal

Little girl: Daddy! Why can’t I try? Why can’t I ride it?
Dad, on mini-bike: Because I’m God, and God says so.

–72nd & 5th

Overheard by: better off agnostic

She Meant Anal Virgin

Girl #1: Yo, it’d be so cute if we both lost our virginity this weekend.
Girl #2: But you’re not a virgin
Girl #1: Oh, right. Dammit.
Bum: If you ain’t a virgin, you must be a ho! Don’t come back to this church. This is God’s place.

–St. John the Divine

Overheard by: a fox

Damn, She Figured Out Our Plan

HS girl #1: Well, I do not want people cloning me. Unless God came to me in a dream and said, “Pilar, you need to clone yourself so that you can live again and save the world”, then I will. But otherwise, I do not want people cloning me. Because if you get cloned you know you have to relive all your same problems and stuff. Isn’t that how cloning works? Anyways, cloning is stupid.
HS girl #2: Yeah, cloning is stupid. Why haven’t they been working on a cure for AIDS or breast cancer? They just want to make everyone die so they can clone them.

–Health Opportunities High School, South Bronx

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