Handicaps

Wednesday One-Liners Are Still Smarter Than Paris Hilton

Yuppie chick on cell: Yeah, she’s going to Paris. Did you also know that she’s retarded?

–Park Row Building

Overheard by: City Hall

Male actor: Personally, I don’t care much for movies about retarded people.

–Broadway & Spring

Fiancé mashing up dog food: There are certain jobs I think retarded people would love to do…

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: Baffled fiancée

Sweet chick: If you want to see me cry, show me retarded kids playing sports — that gets me every time.

–Restaurant

Biotech on cell: I mean, he just doesn’t make any sense. If you’re going to be retarded, at least be consistently retarded.

–115th & Broadway

If You Think This Is Funny, You Are a Bad Person

Man #1: Hey, man, how’s your mom doing? I hear she’s kinda sick.
Man #2: Yeah, she’s not doing so well. She lost her second leg.
Man #1: What? She lost another one?
Man #2: Yeah, son. She called me the other day because she couldn’t find it. I went to her house and looked everywhere for it, but nothing, son… Nothing. It’s fucked up, you know what I’m saying?
Man #1: Yeah, son. That’s some fucked up shit. Damn, son.

–Atlantic & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: MS

Wednesday One-Liners in Cat Eye Glasses

Hipster girl to hipster guy: … And it’s like, he cums on me and it’s like it doesn’t even mean anything!

–L train platform, Union Square

Overheard by: Ht-hrw

Hipster: You know, ‘bedbugs’ is just a classy name for crabs.

–7th & Ave A

Hipster: I better not be a virgin by the time I get home.

–14th St & Union Square South

Overheard by: Almost Tourist

Hipster girl: So, I took ecstasy yesterday, and I was playing a lot of flute.

–Outside The Slaughtered Lamb

Overheard by: bonzo

Hipster girl to friends: My mother thought I was a virgin until I told her that I’d had an abortion.

–120th & Amsterdam

Hipster: Well, I can’t help it if their tits shrivel up into tiny raisins!

–Montrose stop

Overheard by: big baby

Hipster chick: So, all my guy friends are really into her! There’s just something about her that really turns guys on, and it’s not just because she’s blind.

–Columbus Circle

And He Was Searching for a Tiny White Whale

20-ish girl #1: Wait, so the midget had a peg leg?
20-ish girl #2, annoyed: No. The midget was the peg leg!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Gretchen

Headline by: Ignatius Gerumpany

Runners-Up:

· “And He Had a Pygmy for an Eye Patch” – Jordan

· “Jerry Springer will never run out of material…” – alex

· “Pinocchio’s Tragic End” – Tristan Davis

· “The rigor mortis kept him nice and stable.” – internev

· “Transformers Porn Is Too Confusing” – Jenny C


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

This Conversation Suggests That the Answer Is ‘No’

Dude #1: Do you think retards know they’re retarded?
Dude #2: Yeah. I’m sure they’re all like, ‘This sucks. I’m retarded.’

–East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Had Medical Insurance

Girl on cell, smiling and laughing: Maybe because he’s a cripple!

–Pavilion Movie Theater

Overheard by: Jamie F

Running tween girl to friend: I’m going to give you breast cancer, you idiot!

–Times Square

Yuppie woman on cell and pushing empty wheelchair: Honey, guess what? I’m not a paraplegic anymore! No, seriously! Isn’t that great?!

–12th & 3rd

Suit on cell: You shouldn’t feel bad for the boy who cried uterine trouble.

–A train

Overheard by: Sue

Woman to street vendor: That’s the problem with my inverted uterus…

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: BT

Genius holding her breath to cure hiccups: Oh my god, I hate the hiccups. I mean, seriously. The hiccups are the most annoying thing ever. Like, if I had the choice of having cancer or the hiccups, I would choose cancer. I mean, I know people who’ve had cancer, and the hiccups are way more annoying.

–N train

Overheard by: jessica

Jersey chick to friend, after denying deaf panhandler: I mean, if he were missing a limb or something, that would be one thing…

–NJT train from Penn Station

Overheard by: gotta draw the line somewhere

Kid: Hey, They Just Look Smarter Than Me

Yuppie chick #1: I don’t know. I just, like, totally like, never ever saw, like, a kid with Down Syndrome before.
Yuppie chick #2: Oh, me neither!
Yuppie chick #1: It was totally, like, not awesome.

–Rising escalator in the Mall

Actually, It Was More of a Bo Derek Dozen

Guy: So, how many did you get?
Girl: Ummm… 10.
Guy: Oh, you mean a retard’s dozen? I know, it’s a new low. Even for me.

–Bagel Maven, 7th Ave

Overheard by: Genevieve

And the Special Olympics Runners Totally Remove That Extra Chromosome before Every Track Meet

Chick #1 overlooking the Women’s Wheelchair finals: Are they over there playing tennis in wheelchairs?
Chick #2: Yeah, I think they are.
Chick #1: Oh, please, you know they’re pushing those chairs with their feet.

–US Open, Queens

Overheard by: Working on my backhand

The Weird Science of Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: It weirds me out when deaf people can talk.

–Bryant Park

Chick: There’s a house, and he grew up in that house, and now he lives in that house. How weird. How local.

–N train, Queens

Overheard by: Morgan

Guy: I want a giant tattoo of Weird Al and Thomas Dolby shaking hands.

–Bar, Lower East Side

Hipster on cell: Is wanting a bed-and-breakfast, a weed garden, and a forest full of Thai tranny fawns so fucking weird?

–Houston and Elizabeth

Girl: So we were at her house the other day smoking pot, and I was like, ‘This pot tastes weird.’ And I asked John if it tasted weird and he said, ‘Yeah, it does.’ So I asked her if she had been using her crack pipe to smoke pot out of again and she said, ‘Oops.’

–20th St & 8th Ave

Bright-purple-mohawk guy to shaved-head girl with multiple nose piercings: Your best friend is so weird!

–12th St & University Pl

Overheard by: Joe

Suit on cell: Yeah, it’s kind of weird dating my sister.

–33rd & 7th

© 2026 OverheardinNewYork.com
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist