Wednesday One-Liners Think “Speed Dating” Requires Meth

Jewish girl: She signs up for JDate, goes out to dinner, and is engaged in four months. I sign up for JDate, and I go out to dinner with a duck. What the hell!

–Astoria

Suit on cell: That's what you get when you start dating at age 18 while volunteering in a Croatian refugee camp.

–M66 Bus

Female 30-something suit: Why would you think I don't have taste in men just because I'd do a guy with a hook, or a guy in a wheelchair?

–31st & Crescent, Astoria

Loud woman on cell: It's called "communication," Larry! Communication! You are such an idiot!

–3rd Ave b/w 40th & 41st

Overheard by: Tom

College guy to friend: I don't understand it, man. Every time I go out with this girl, like her vagina is showing.

–8th St & University

Man on cell: 26 years? Damn! After 26 days, I'd be all like, "bitch, I love you and all, but the next word that comes outta yo mouth, I'm gonna have to bash yo head in with a frying pan. I'm sicka hearin' the sound of yo voice!" No, of course I don' mean that, baby.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Riot

Posted on April 23, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Frat Boys, Friends, Handicaps, Insults, Internet, JAPs, JFK Airport, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Questions, Sex, Street, Suits, The Village, Threats, Vagina, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

In Short

80 year-old Italian teacher: You like fluorescent colors a lot, yes?
Girl: Yeah, I love them. They're great.
80 year-old Italian teacher: There are also people who love midgets. I know. It's an unfortunate love.

–Cooper Union, East Village

Posted on March 27, 2015
Colors, Girls, Handicaps, Love, Old People, Questions, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village

Your Wednesday One-Liner Is Nothing to Be Ashamed Of

Woman: Excuse me, can you tell me something? Do I have a hickey on my neck? I have to go to a lunch and I just want to know if I have a hickey on my neck.

–SoHo

Overheard by: kim

Guy on cell: He shoved his hand in so many crevices that they looked like flippers.

–2nd Ave & Houston

Overheard by: gypsee

Drunk girl: If Bethany doesn't have legs, nobody has legs.

–1 Train

Overheard by: oliviz

Strange woman, seeing another woman massaging pressure points on friend's ear: She has a headache? It starts in the scrotum.

–M14D Bus

Man, missing stop: This is the problem with having a prostate that's bigger than your brain…you always forget to get off.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: rachel

Girl: She slept with Harry, and she didn't know he only had one hand, and afterward she still didn't know he only had one hand.

–Brother Jimmy's Restaurant

Overheard by: Joe

Posted on February 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Bus, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Girls, Guys, Handicaps, Health and Hygiene, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Soho, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Brooklyn's Always Been a Special-Needs Borough

Woman: I don't mean to be mean, but you know, kids who are… underdeveloped mentally?
Man: Oh, retards?
Woman, relieved: Yeah!

–Downtown Brooklyn

Overheard by: Myrtle&Carlton

Posted on February 7, 2015
Brooklyn, Handicaps, Kids, Men, Questions, Retardation, Women

The Ideal Relationship

Guy #1: I think I'm going deaf.
Guy #2: What?

–Broadway

Posted on January 11, 2015
Guys, Handicaps, Street, Stupidity

…For Your Mr. Peanut Costume.

Bag lady with a cane: Excuse me, ladies and gentleman! I don't mean to bother you but…
Crazy hobo, interrupting: Then don't! I hate people who say “sorry to bother you.” Just stop bothering me!
Bag lady with a cane: Fuck you!
Crazy hobo: You ain't even really crippled! I sold you that cane!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Sara Swank

Posted on December 24, 2014
Anger Management, Bag ladies, Crazies, Gripes, Handicaps, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, On the Subway, Weirdness

Peeing is Neither Mental nor a Disease

Hobo: If you see me pissin’ on your lawn, it’s my disease. I have mental illness. I just got out of psychiatric.

At this point he whipped it out and proceeded to water a tree.

–Washington Square Park

Posted on December 18, 2014
Crazies, Handicaps, Hobos, Pee, Washington Square Park

Mrs. Henderson Worked the Stroll for Years

Impossibly old lady in wheelchair: That's too bad. I don't like to stroll; I like to have a destination.
Caregiver lady pushing wheelchair: Where would you like to go, then?
Impossibly old lady in wheelchair: Bed!

–Prospect Park

Posted on December 13, 2014
Brooklyn, Directions, Gripes, Handicaps, Medical Workers, Old People, Parks, Wheelbos

At the Very Least That Dog’s Pretty Smart

A blind woman and her dog are making their way into a Duane Reade through the “Out” door, with difficulty to keep the door open. Behind them is a WASP lady, waiting to get in.

Blind woman: Good, good, now make a hard left, to the counter, to the counter.
WASP lady: Idiots.

–74th & 3rd

Posted on December 10, 2014
Assholes, Directions, Handicaps, Insults, Man's Best Friend, Retards & Handicaps, Shopping, Stupidity, Upper East Side, Women

It’s Like the Stupid Leading the Blind

MTA worker leading a blind man: You see where those turnstiles are? You’re going to make a left there.
Blind man: OF COURSE I CAN’T SEE WHERE THE TURNSTILES ARE!

–59th St 6 train platform

Overheard by: ahcnaej

Posted on November 26, 2014
Blue-collar workers, Comebacks, Handicaps, Idiots, Retards & Handicaps, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Talking/Convos

Handicaps