Health and Hygiene

Wednesday One-liners Make the Cut

Woman: This block has the best garbage!

–2nd Avenue & 8th Street

Girl on cell: We’ve already got plans again for this weekend. I’m really excited about this guy; he’s great. He’s really driven, really ready to succeed. He’s a doctor…No, not in real life, on TV.

–57th & Lexington

Overheard by: Heather

White guy: That wasn’t the best day of my life, though. The best day was the day after my birthday when I recoverd my hard drive.

–Astoria party

Overheard by: Noah Starr

Man on cell: I like them shoes with the ruffle. The ones you wore to the Olive Garden that one time.

–Broadway & Prince

Girl: In theory…I was going to end that sentence with, “the dolphins will be OK.”

–7 train

Overheard by: Amado Angel

Lady: Well, he’s an ex-junkie, an alcoholic, mean-tempered, a practicing bisexual, and he has hepatitus C. But he’s a wonderful man and, as guys like that go, he does have great taste in jewelry.

–Midtown office

Crop Dusting: Walking Down the Aisles and Passing Gas

Boy: Does crop dusting exist?
Stewardess: Sure does.
Boy: If it happened to me, I’d have to stop them and say, “Stop crop dusting, farty.”

–Chango, Park Avenue South

Drop Those Drawers and You’ll See

Hobo: Does anyone have some food? I’m so hungry, please!
Guy: I think I have an apple in my bag.
Hobo: I got no teeth! I got no teeth! I don’t want your apple!
Guy: How the hell do you expect to get any food without teeth?

–2/3 train

Wednesday One-liners Make an Ass of Themselves

Queer: As my grandmother used to say, you’ve got one fuckable ass.

–Marie’s Crisis, Grove Street

Overheard by: catherine

Hobo: How you doin’? How you doin’? I’m doin’ good. Yeah, you know I’m doin’ good, cause I’m lookin’ good! And you know why I look good? ’cause I clean mah ass!

–1 train

Overheard by: Alex Valentine

NYU chick: All this work is going to fuck me in the ass so much my boyfriend won’t be able to.

–Silver Building, Waverly Place

Chick: I can’t believe how much he charged me for this disposable camera. I was like, “Why don’t you fuck me up the ass while you’re at it?”

–55th & 3rd

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Black guy: Damn, it smells like open ass around here.

–Canal & Broadway

Overheard by: Daniel

Perhaps That’s the Problem…Pudga

Runner chick #1: What the hell are those people doing?
Runner chick #2: They’re in some sort of boot camp class.
Runner chick #1: They’re military?
Runner chick #2: No, I think they just pay someone to get them in shape.
Runner chick #1: But they’re so sweaty and out of breath! I never get that way with my trainer!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Peter

Guys: Get Her to Say Seamen and Read Her This Entry

Asian chick: You know, I bet Fritos are healthy for you!
Spanish chick: How you figure?
Asian chick: Cuz in the ingredients it says it’s made of corn, soybean oil and salt, and corn is good for you.
Spanish chick: True. If you can pronounce what’s in the ingredients, then it has to be good for you.

–Flushing

Wednesday One-liners & Missed Connections

Man on pay phone: Maria! I just got out of the doctor’s office. They told me I have herpes and I got them from you!

–34th Street station

Overheard by: Cristalle Stutrud

Woman: You wiped your nose with a tissue, held a tissue in the same hand, and then put your hands all over my papers. What’d you think I was going to do?

–Penn Station

Player: Yo, baby. New York’s a scary place. How about you hold my hand going down the street and make us both feel better?

–34th & 7th

Fat dude on cell: Girl, take that fucking dildo out of your pussy and talk to me!

–4th Street between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Andrea Quijano

Fratboy: Zack is cool, until he starts grabbing my ass.

–Bensonhurst

Crazy man: You know what your problem is? You’re not drinking enough milk…from a penis!

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Victor Preuninger

Parents: Don’t Let Your Kids Learn About Knifefights on the Street

Two kids find a pocket knife on the train.

Older sister: Yo, I’m gonna bring that shit to school tomorrow!

The younger brother wipes it off with his shirt.

Older sister: No, you gotta leave the dirt on it. Then when I cut that bitch, her face will get all infected and shit.

–F train

Overheard by: erik

Actually I Think Pleated Pants Look Hot on a Woman

Pizza guy: No pizza for you?
FIT chick #1: No, I don’t eat. I’m anorexic.
FIT chick #2: Yeah, look what she’s wearing. That’s what happens when you don’t eat. You go fucking crazy.

–27th & 7th pizzeria

No, “Cute” as in “Do You Want Him to Do You”

Queer #1: So is your physical therapist cute?
Queer #2: “Cute” as in “do I want to do him cute”? Yeah.
Queer #1: Well, that can be a great incentive to do well.

–NYSC locker room, 16th & 8th

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