Health and Hygiene

Wednesday One-liners & Missed Connections

Man on pay phone: Maria! I just got out of the doctor’s office. They told me I have herpes and I got them from you!

–34th Street station

Overheard by: Cristalle Stutrud

Woman: You wiped your nose with a tissue, held a tissue in the same hand, and then put your hands all over my papers. What’d you think I was going to do?

–Penn Station

Player: Yo, baby. New York’s a scary place. How about you hold my hand going down the street and make us both feel better?

–34th & 7th

Fat dude on cell: Girl, take that fucking dildo out of your pussy and talk to me!

–4th Street between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Andrea Quijano

Fratboy: Zack is cool, until he starts grabbing my ass.

–Bensonhurst

Crazy man: You know what your problem is? You’re not drinking enough milk…from a penis!

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Victor Preuninger

Parents: Don’t Let Your Kids Learn About Knifefights on the Street

Two kids find a pocket knife on the train.

Older sister: Yo, I’m gonna bring that shit to school tomorrow!

The younger brother wipes it off with his shirt.

Older sister: No, you gotta leave the dirt on it. Then when I cut that bitch, her face will get all infected and shit.

–F train

Overheard by: erik

Actually I Think Pleated Pants Look Hot on a Woman

Pizza guy: No pizza for you?
FIT chick #1: No, I don’t eat. I’m anorexic.
FIT chick #2: Yeah, look what she’s wearing. That’s what happens when you don’t eat. You go fucking crazy.

–27th & 7th pizzeria

No, “Cute” as in “Do You Want Him to Do You”

Queer #1: So is your physical therapist cute?
Queer #2: “Cute” as in “do I want to do him cute”? Yeah.
Queer #1: Well, that can be a great incentive to do well.

–NYSC locker room, 16th & 8th

Guess That Means No Kegel Exercises

Girl #1: I just got a membership at Carnegie Hall.
Girl #2: You should get a membership to the gym.
Girl #1: But this is like a workout…for my soul.

–Lexington & 53rd

New York’s Finest Dermatologist

Cop #1: What the fuck is that on your face?
Cop #2: It’s a big pimple.
Cop #1: It’s fucking gross, dude.

–33rd & 6th

Overheard by: Eric L.

I’ve Heard of Male PMS, But Not Male MS

Sales guy: I’m been feeling sick all day.
Sales gal: Is it something serious?
Sales guy: Nah, it’s not like I’m bleeding from the ass or anything.

–The Strand

Does Kitty Have Green Eyes Too?

Girl #1: My cat drinks out of my water glass all the time.
Girl #2: So?
Girl #1: I can’t drink it after that. I mean, she licks her own ass.

–Central Park

They Talk Smack About You, Too

Girl: I like dogs!
Guy: Yeah, right.
Girl: Actually I’m violently allergic to them.

–Houston & Eldridge

Shalom, Wednesday One-liners

Crazy Hasid: Who are the three greatest Jewish lawyers of all time? Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Johnny Cochran, Alan Dershowitz. Who are the three greatest doctors of all time? Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Alan Dershowitz.

–F train

Overheard by: bluesdog

Jewess on cell: You know, I love Great Neck, but I don’t know. I have to consider it. I’m not super Jewish and he’s not super Jewish. And you know how Jews are. They can be nice to non-Jews, but they can be caustic to other Jews.

–Union Square

Lady: I just don’t get smoking, or people who smoke…smoking and bacon; I don’t get it.

–UWS elevator

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

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