Pee

The Nuclear Option

Riders scurry away as crazy woman yells at them and pokes them with her cane for sitting on one of her seats. Young woman boards train and sits.

Crazy woman: Wooo! Go! Go! Go! Wooo!
Young woman: Hey, you have three seats, and I’m just sitting on the edge of this one so you can have half. I am not getting up.
Crazy woman: Wooo!
Young woman: See all those people standing? It’s not fair for you to have four seats. [Crazy woman pulls down pants and starts peeing. Young woman gets up] Okay, you win.

–Manhattan-bound D train, Brooklyn

Oddly, You Just Became Hot to Me

Chick: Are you hitting on me?
Guy: Do you have a boyfriend?
Chick: Do you know Eric Thompson*?
Guy: Nah, is he your boyfriend?
Chick: It’s complicated. Whatever, I’m gonna go pee [leaves].
Guy, reporting to group of friends: Yo, so I’m hitting on this girl, right? And then she stops me and is like, ‘Yo, are you hitting on me?’
Chick, opening bathroom door: Asshole, I hear you taking about me.
Guy: Shut up and go take a piss, bitch.

–Party, 116th & Broadway

Hey, Whatever It Takes to Get Them Out of Diapers

Boy: Mom, why is there a line here and not on the boys’ side?
Mom: Girls go to the bathroom differently. You guys can just stand around and pee and make crosses. You know — how you and Daddy make crosses with your pee-pees?

–Line for women’s room, Radio City Music Hall

Enthusiasm: Curbed

Drunk #1: Yo, did you see who was just peeing next to me? Larry David! I think Larry David just sprinkled pee on my shoes!
Drunk #2: So now you’re not gonna clean your shoes ’cause they got celebrity piss on them? Why don’t you sell them on eBay?
Drunk #3: That wasn’t Larry David.
Drunk #1: Yo, then I should kick that guy’s ass for peeing on my shoes!

–Restroom, Cheap Trick concert, Beacon Theatre

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Wednesday One-Liners are Feeling Flush

Voice from stall: God, will you give me a sign?

–Restroom, United Nations

Overheard by: Nicolas

Girl in stall: Ugh! The toilet paper is totally not loving me!

–Restroom, Starbucks

Woman crammed in restroom stall with two girls: Okay, hold on… Alright, now. So, tell me what’s up! How do you girls like school?

–Mustang Harry’s, 34th St

Overheard by: Rachel Jordan

Man at urinal: Ow! …That’s not good.

–Restroom, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: RG

African dude settling into urinal stance: Lookie-here, what’ve we got here? Lookie-here at what we have!

–Restroom, Washington Square Park

Overheard by: off white

Voice from Port-a-Potty: Oh baby, oh baby. Yes!

–Gramercy Park

And They Say Romance Is Dead

Queer #1: I can’t believe he did that.
Queer #2: What? If you wanted me to pee on you, I would. That’s how much I love you.

–Greenwich Ave & Perry

Overheard by: John

Do Squatters Have No Rights?

Drunk girl: Is that a bathroom I see?
Conductor: It’s out of order.
Drunk girl: Ok, I’m going in there.
Conductor: It’s out of order!
Drunk girl’s friend: I don’t think we can use that one, let’s go find a place to squat.

–LIRR

Overheard by: hbs

He’s Got a Sneeze Guard on His Toilet

Teen girl: I’m not saying I wish I had a penis. It would just be nice to be able to pee standing up.
Teen guy: Peeing standing up is a lot like eating grapefruit… One wrong move, and you could squirt yourself in the eye.
Teen girl: Oh my god… seriously?

–Famous Original Ray’s Pizza, 7th Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Dealt It

Guy: But I have to say that 93% of the time I smell good.

–West Building, Hunter College

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Butch lesbian: Damn, now that’s the stank I’m talkin’ about. It smells like ass in here!

–Lexington/51St subway station

Girl on cell: Ok, I’ll meet you for coffee, but I need to stop and get some deodorant, because apparently, according to my entire Spanish class, I stink.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: keeping my distance

Ghetto girl: Tanise, what kind of funk are tryin’ to hide with that stink?

–42nd & 8th Avenue

Overheard by: Lauri

Ghetto Girl: If my pussy stank I’d kill myself. My pussy ain’t never stank.

–1 train

Overheard by: Josh H

Little boy: You smell like piss!

–Medieval Festival, Fort Tryon Park

Overheard by: Jenny

Yuppie woman: He’s 14! That’s old enough to recognize the smell of burning human flesh!

–Broadway, between 11th St & 12th St

Overheard by: Are We There Yet?

In Fact He Has to Black Eyed Pee

Little boy: How come every time you come around, my London, London Bridge…
Father: I told you, I don’t like that song. Stop singing it.
Little boy: …wanna go down, like London, London, London…
Father: If you don’t stop singing it, I’ll kill you.
Little boy: …wanna go down, like London, London, London…
Father: That’s it, I killed you. You’re dead. No one can see you now.
Little boy: I can’t be dead. I have to pee.

–Uptown 2 train

Overheard by: Ashwini

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