Woman: Damn, that model has the smallest penis I’ve ever seen!
–Bodies Exhibit, South Street Seaport
Woman: Damn, that model has the smallest penis I’ve ever seen!
–Bodies Exhibit, South Street Seaport
Teen girl: I’m not saying I wish I had a penis. It would just be nice to be able to pee standing up.
Teen guy: Peeing standing up is a lot like eating grapefruit… One wrong move, and you could squirt yourself in the eye.
Teen girl: Oh my god… seriously?
–Famous Original Ray’s Pizza, 7th Ave
Hipster guy #1: And then there was a huge dick.
Hipster guy #2: A dick?
Hipster guy #1: Yeah, and it was ejaculating a swastica all over the concrete.
Hipster guy #3: What a fucked up dream.
–3rd Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: Lloy-Duh
Drunk queer #1: Hey, let’s get some food!
Drunk queer #2: I don’t have any money!
Drunk queer #1: That’s alright. Papi will pay…if you nibble his foreskin!
Drunk queer #2: Alright. Where do you wanna go?
–17th & 5th
Singing hobo: I’m gonna praise Him! I’m gonna thank Him in His naaaame!
Dude #1 gives the hobo a dollar.
Singing hobo: Thank you. God bless you.
Dude #2: Dude, my balls still hurt.
Dude #1: Did you take anything?
–Northbound N
Overheard by: Matt Hartwick
Dork #1: Is that a stick in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Dork #2: What? What did you say?
Dork #1: Never mind, man.
Dork #2: Is it penis? Are you talking about penis again? I’VE HAD ENOUGH. No more penis.
–M96 bus
Overheard by: Lauren Michelle
Queer #1: I’m stuffed.
Queer #2: Yeah. I’m not gonna put another thing in my mouth tonight unless it’s a cock.
–18th & 8th
Gigantic suit, urinating outside: Excuse me, ladies. I apologize for that.
Ladies: It’s OK.
Gigantic suit: There’s a big black cock on the loose.
–19th & Broadway
Overheard by: becca
Abercrombie teen #1: I know it’s in this neighborhood and it’s definitely below Fourth Street.
Queer: Where ju wanna go, honny? Da Cock is down ovah dere.
Abercrombie teen #2: Uh, we’re not looking for the Cock.
Queer: Den ju should go home and change ju clothes!
–2nd Ave & 3rd St
Overheard by: Manhattman
Girl on cell: Mom, are you drunk at Wal-Mart again?
–86th & Lex
Drunk man: I can’t believe they took Ray’s fucking Pizza out of the Ferry Terminal. How am I supposed to sober up before I go home now?
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Drunk guy: I have to move down to this end of the train because, if I don’t, I’m gonna hit that motherfucker down there. I know I only want to hit him because I’ve been drinking. If I wasn’t drinking, he wouldn’t bother me. If I had been drinking more, I’d just hit him. But right now I’m caught in a strange netherworld and I’ll just chill down here.
–1 train
Overheard by: Susan Elliott
Guy on cell: What? That ungrateful, lying bitch. I can drink more Jack through my dick than he could spill on a table!
–Times Square
Guy: Man, I don’t care if they call Protective Services on me. When my kid turns ten, I’ll be like, “You’re ready. Let’s go get hammered.” No fuckin’ way I’m waiting ’til he’s eleven.
–7th St & 2nd Ave
50-Something guy on cell: Yeah, I just spoke to Kate, and everything is wonderful. The liquor stores are open, and people are riding bicycles.
–1st Ave between 9th & 10th
Overheard by: LiAps
Enemy of Bill W.: If we pass a bar, do you guys mind stopping? I just need it chug a beer. It will literally take me 4 seconds.
–3rd St & 1st Ave
