Conductor #1: Folks, if you’re looking for a seat, walk all the way to the back of the train. The last car is not even half full.
Conductor #2: Or half empty.
–Metro North train
Conductor #1: Folks, if you’re looking for a seat, walk all the way to the back of the train. The last car is not even half full.
Conductor #2: Or half empty.
–Metro North train
Guy #1: My relationship isn’t working out.
Guy #2: What’s wrong, dude?
Guy #1: Well, I woke up today and realized there was a vase sitting on the mantle.
Guy #2: What the hell does that have to do with it?
Guy #1: It has no purpose! It just sits there!
Guy #2: Um… I think that’s what vases usually do.
Guy #1: Exactly! That’s why I didn’t have any. They don’t do anything. They’re useless. There’s absolutely no reason to have one, and now all of a sudden, I do. [Desperately] What has happened to me?!
–Downtown bus stop
Professor to unresponsive class: So, how do you know when a scene is over? Yeah, you just know, like porn.
–Sarah Lawrence College
Professor: Don’t mess with Socratic ninjas.
–NYU Law
Professor to silent class: Come on, what do you think? Someone say something. It’s kind of like sex. Sometimes you don’t want to do it, but you have to do what you have to do.
–Columbia University
Professor: I was whipped by a crazed dwarf in a cave for a month! Then I married him!
–Fordham University
Overheard by: Ali
Professor turning off powerpoint: And now we kick it old school.
–NYU Cantor
Overheard by: Jesse
SVA professor: Woo, I’m so jazzed today — it’s like I’m on crystal meth! [Students laugh.] No, seriously, I never did crystal meth! Speed, sure. Quaaludes, of course, but not crystal meth. Never. Nope. Oxycodone, maybe.
–SVA building
Overheard by: SUSAN
Professor: The Native Americans even have biological differences… except for the Native Americans of Australia.
–History class, Hunter College
Overheard by: tanechka
Professor: All the students in the classroom are all the same — no one moves out of their little box.
Blonde: Everyone is the same unless they are different, except that they are the same.
–Modern Lit. Class, NYU
Overheard by: Brenda
Old Spanish guy: …I mean, I’d accept welfare but I have my self-respect. Respect has to come from the self.
Old White guy: Once you respect the self, you can do anything.
–Post office, 14th between 1st & A
Overheard by: Tibbie X
Girl: I feel like sex shouldn't have to involve major home reconstruction.
Guy: It shouldn't, but it does.
–Grand Army Plaza, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Hunter
Teenage Asian guy #1: I'm Chinese, I'm allowed to be obnoxious.
Teenage Asian guy #2: Dude, you're American. That's why you're obnoxious.
–4 Train
Overheard by: Hillary
Girl #1: Feminism is about choice. For example, I choose not to be Susie Homemaker and you choose not to be a dominatrix.
Girl #2: That’s true.
–6th & 5th, Park Slope
Girl #1: What kind of proof did you offer when you said that?
Girl #2: I don’t NEED proof, I say it, it comes out of my mouth, that makes it REAL!
–Starbucks
Overheard by: Allison
Hipster: “I just returned from the dark side”
— Hipster getting off Bedford L into cell phone
