Sex

Wednesday One-Liners: ‘That’s What She Said’

Biology professor to students: Now that you’ve got the basic structure, I’m going to bone you for a while.

–NYU

Overheard by: i’m in the hard class

Conductor: Okay, folks, we’re actually running ahead of schedule. We’ll be stopping for approximately 40 minutes, so if you like you can get out and spread your legs. Spread your– stretch your legs…

–Amtrak train into Penn

Overheard by: KT

Woman on cell: It’s from the car accident. I can’t really move my head, and he woke up stiff this morning, and that never happens.

–5 train

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Woman: Maggie has stopped eating. She’s just not putting as many things in her mouth as she used to.

–Union Square market

Girl on cell: Hey, Mom. Hold on a second, I’m gonna three-way Dad… Oh, wow, weird.

–Jamaica Station

Overheard by: Mike

Guy on PA: Hey, Mark, could you do me a favor? Just put it in, please? Yeah, I need you to put it in right now. Thanks, Mark!

–PATH

Overheard by: Ferocious Russian

‘Hi, I’m Probably Having Sex — Leave Me a Message.’

Girl #1: She isn’t picking up her phone.
Girl #2: Oh, she’s probably having sex.
Girl #1: Oh, yeah, you’re probably right.

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: Trapped in Laguna

Our Boundless Self-Esteem Doesn’t Do It for You?

Teen chick #1: So, what? Are you sick of all us girls now?
Teen boy: Yeah.
Teen chick #2: Why, because you’ve hooked up with all of us?
Teen boy: Yeah.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Jake: Man, That Chick Only Looks Good When I’m Drunk

Chick #1: Pretty much every girl will sleep with anybody if she’s got a few drinks in her. But there are only, like, one or two guys she’ll have sober sex with. Right this moment, the only person I’d want to have sober sex with is Jake.
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: Because I’m fucking in love with him.

–R train

As Humiliating As Ordinary Sex, but Much Safer

Girl #1: Did you go to the restaurant I told you? The one with the waiter who–
Girl #2: –Fucks you with his eyes? Oh, yes.

–AMC, Times Square

Unless They Make Your Unit Head South

Boy: Do they really taste like mint?
Girl: I don’t know, I don’t give head.
Boy, holding box of warming sensation condoms: I bet these are mad-popular in the winter.

–Eckerd, Astoria

Overheard by: KC

Further Response Is Not Required

Girl: Wouldn’t you prefer me to be conscious?
Guy: As long as I can play with your tits, I’ll be all right.

–Library Bar, Houston & Ave A

Needles Just Aren’t Cool Anymore

Teen boy #1: Would you do Jane?
Teen boy #2: Well, she’s pretty hot… Got nice tits and all, but don’t you consider diabetes a turn-off?
Teen boy #1: Yeah, dude, totally.

–Metro-North, 125th St stop

Overheard by: Ek CrIsp

What? I Saw It in a Movie

40-something lady suit: Well, I don’t want to work with her anymore.
Young male suit: She’s so high-strung all the time. She needs a vacation or somethi–
40-something lady suit: –What she needs is to set aside a Saturday and get fucked by 10 men at the same time.

–81st & Central Park West

Overheard by: Zenana

Though You Will Need a Fall-Back Plan Once You Stop Attracting Pedophiles

Flyer guy: Exercise for kids, exercise for kids! Girls, take this, ’cause you need to look good when you’re old enough to get your freak on!
Middle school girl: Bitch, I been fuckin’ since I was eight!
Flyer guy, pulling back flyer: Well, you don’t need this, then!

–Hallway to S train, Grand Central

Overheard by: Bill

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