Starbucks

Wednesday One-Liner Is Murder

Black man: I can never watch you eat sausage again. It was the most awkwardly erotic thing I've ever seen. It was the perfect combination of food and female.

–Pratt Coffee Shop, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Maryrose

Boy to friend: And then the teacher said: "and that's the history of ham"!

–Queens

Overheard by: alex

Young woman on cell: Well, I would go to Gray's for hot dogs with you, but I can't. I gave up tubed meat for lent.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Caroline

Cute teen girl: It'd be like a floppy bag of meat… (pause) I'm not talking about dick!

–Starbucks

Woman placing drive-thru order: And two junior bacon cheeseburgers. Actually, I don't want the bacon. I don't want to get the swine flu.

–Wendy's Drivethru, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Oh the Pig-manity!

Upset Orthodox Jew mother to baby in stroller: Bacon!? Who told you about bacon!?

–West End & West 100th St

Well, I Might As Well Go for It Now

College kid #1: So, dude, are you going to do it?
College kid #2: No! I am not going to have sex with my sister! [People waiting in line turn around to look] Awww, fuck.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: B-rett

Date Much?

Barnard girl: Yeah, so I'm minoring in African dance…
Guy: Oh.
Barnard girl: And homemaking. You know, knitting an crocheting and stuff…
Guy: Ohh…
Barnard girl: But my major is man-hating. Hardcore man-hating.
Guy: (silence)
Barnard girl: Just kidding. Math. I'm majoring in math.

–Starbucks, 113th & Broadway

Well, Judging from the Barrel of Liquor Around Your Neck…

Girl #1: And then he said that when he sees people, he likes to picture what kind of dog they’d be. Apparently I’m a Golden Retriever, and he’s a German Shepherd, and those breeds just don’t mix.
Gril #2: That is fucking messed up.
Girl #1: I know! He is so delusional! And he would so not be a German Shepherd.
Girl #2: No. (long pause) I wonder what type I’d be.

–Starbucks, 103rd & Broadway

Trains and Trainables

Tourist Chick #1: There’s a subway on every corner in New York.
Tourist Chick #2: Really? Wow. How about the trains?

–Starbucks, Times Square

Overheard by: rei-ray

Or a blind Venetian, more likely

Woman: He’s so horny he’d fuck a venetian blind.

–Starbucks, UES

The I-Deliberately-Created-My-Diminished-Capacity Defense

Chick #1: You shouldn’t have slept with him. You knew that would really hurt his girlfriend…
Chick #2: Yeah, I know, but we were both so high on coke that neither of us should be held responsible for our actions.

–Starbucks, 50th & 9th

Overheard by: sketchy

I’m Saving It for Marriage

Barista: Would you like to try a cappuccino muffin?
Customer: No, thanks. I don’t want to start my appetite yet.

–Starbucks, 45th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cat

Headline by: Mandaliet

Runners-Up:

· “And i don’t want to have to shove this down your fucking throat, but i will if… Whoa… Too much soft jazz, if you know what i mean… Sorry.” – Mike Chmiel

· “Its Bad Enough My Lungs Keep Breathing” – Chuckie

· “Stomach: Let’s Get Ready To Rummmmmmmble!” – Paul K.

· “The first step is admitting you have an appetite.” – greg


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

We Give the Towels to Customers When We Run Out of Java Jackets

Female barista, scrubbing floor boards: I hate doing clean sweep ’cause I get all sweaty… Especially in my butt crack.
Male barista: You should employ the butt tissue. Just slip a paper towel in there at the start of the shift, and then just toss it at the end.
Female barista: I already do that.
Customer: Now that’s legendary service.

–Starbucks, 67th & Queens

Overheard by: sunnyvalesteve

I Prefer Cocktails That Smell Like Disinfectant

Fashionable, skinny Latina: What don't you like about beer, then?
Even more fashionable, skinnier Latina: Ahhh–Corona. It has an odor. It smells like… fat men.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Tha WB

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