Suits

Wednesday One-Liners by Victoria

Puerto Rican girl to another: I never dated a white guy, ’cause they got bad taste in underwear.

–Subway station, Times Square

Overheard by: Mama

Chick: … So I was dancing in the kitchen in my underwear and I looked out the window and the orthodox Yeshiva student guy that lives across the building from me was just staring open-mouthed. I’m never gonna open the curtains in the kitchen again.

–181st St

Overheard by: LSB

Mother to toddler son: Now, honey, close your eyes. This isn’t for you.

–Frederick’s of Hollywood, King’s Plaza

Queer: I totally go out of my way to wear edible thongs to work.

–Library Bar, Houston & Ave A

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Teen girl quickly descending staircase: I didn’t wear a bra again today. My boobs are bouncing down these stairs!

–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island

Suit on cell: Well, I mean, I have thongs… But I really don’t consider those underwear…

–W 4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Laura

Poor Anna Nicole

Screaming hobo: … But you know she was artificially inseminated by aliens!
Suit: Wait… Who?

–NYU

I’m Just a Poor Sport, I Guess

Suit #1: I don’t know why you only take pictures of dead golfers.
Suit #2: Haha… I know.

–E 64th St & Park

He’s the Same Way with Art

Female Rangers fan to Rangers: Come on, ladies!
Suit: Haha! ‘Ladies.’ That’s so funny. I don’t really get it, but I know it’s funny.

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Jess McGins

What? I Saw It in a Movie

40-something lady suit: Well, I don’t want to work with her anymore.
Young male suit: She’s so high-strung all the time. She needs a vacation or somethi–
40-something lady suit: –What she needs is to set aside a Saturday and get fucked by 10 men at the same time.

–81st & Central Park West

Overheard by: Zenana

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.

–Fashion District

Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.

–78th St & 37th Ave

Overheard by: Jillian

Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!

–2 train

Overheard by: Macaire

Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: Jay

Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!

–2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: wishing i did soaps

Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.

–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium

Overheard by: did he get a receipt?

We Heart Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Why is love so goddamn expensive?

–Outside MoMA

Overheard by: Chris

Drunk ghetto girl screaming into cell: He told me he loved me and this and that… And this and that, dammit! And then his cock was in her, and I was like, ‘Whoa, are you with me or not?!’ So I pulled her weave out and– Hello? Are you still there?

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: I just wanted to sleep

WASP suit: The newspaper made me fall in love with Brad Pitt.

–53rd & Lex

Overheard by: not in love with brad pitt

Little girl: I love you, brain.

–87th & York

Girl on cell: Tell your man to stay out of my business, or I’ll break his jaw. I’ll break his jaw again! I don’t need the love of a man, I’ve got my mother and Jesus to fuckin’ love me. I can meet people — I’ve got MySpace, AOL, IM, and I can chat!

–Subway station, Canal St

Odd How Fate Has Drawn Us Together

Drunk blonde: My roommate is so fat, every day I’m like, ‘Put down the fuckin’ twinkie, fatass.’
Suit: Uh-huh.
Drunk blonde: And then she just rolls over.
Suit: Yeah, I have the same problem with my wife.

–L train

I Have Got to Find a Better Way to Meet Men

Old Asian suit viciously kicks another suit.

Victim suit: Whoa, whoa — what’re you doing?
Old Asian suit: Kicking you!
Victim suit: Why?
Old Asian suit: Because you’re trying to stick your dick in my ass! Back up!

–6 train, Grand Central

Overheard by: Christine

Wednesday One-Liners Come under Fire from the FCC

Girl on cell: I have that freshly fucked feeling.

–The Gap, Bensonhurst

Lady on cell: Do you remember the guy who used to be in Grand Central all the time? The one with the doll… The doll he would fuck. He and the doll would do a fuck dance. He had it strapped to him at all times.

–Outside NYU dorm, E 14th St

Overheard by: college graduate

White trash gas station attendant: Life got a lot easier once I decided not to give a fuck.

–233rd St & Jerome Ave

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo

Suit to another: Whatever, it’s New York. I’m expecting to get told ‘F-you’ like 17 times.

–LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: Raja

Ghetto girl licking fingers and lips after consuming hot dog: Mmm, girrrl… I fucked that hot dog up!

–Mercer and W. 4th

Dude: Ma… Ma, I only used the F-word once, Ma. I’m fucking serious here.

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Tourist from Canadia

Little boy shouting to friend across the street: I just learned how to say ‘Fuck’!

–Irving & Greene, Bushwick

Overheard by: Andy

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