Mom: Zacky! Where your ass at?
Small boy: Nowhere.
Mom: Yeah it is!
–Times Square
Mom: Zacky! Where your ass at?
Small boy: Nowhere.
Mom: Yeah it is!
–Times Square
Young man: I think you should have put LIFE and not LIVE on your sign.
Jesus freak, holding sign reading THROUGH JESUS WILL YOU FIND ETERNAL LIVE: Oh, thank you. Have you accepted Jesus as your savior?
Young man: No, I’m a dirty Jew. I’m going to hell.
–42nd & 7th
Girl: Where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you in, like, a week?
Fat girl: Oh. I had a baby.
Girl: I didn’t know you were pregnant.
Fat girl: Neither did I.
–Times Square
Guy: Hey, come and see this comedy show for free! You can get drunk.
Tourist girl: We’re not over twenty-one.
Guy: Man, this is New York! We don’t card! Fuck the government!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Andi
Sassy woman: No, no, no, no. What I don’t think you understand is, his parents are his mother and a pimp.
–33rd & 8th
Overheard by: Alex
Drunk girl: I don’t want to be sold for five dollars on the street!
–1st Ave between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Kira
Record label coordinator: This company needs a hit like a crackwhore on payday.
–150 5th Ave
Addiction expert: I don’t think he’s addicted to porn, but I think he does, like, coke off hookers’ asses.
–6 train, 68th St
Old Jewess: I couldn’t tell if they were singers or prostitutes.
–1 train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Kimdog
Man on cell: So then the hooker walked in with a squeegee. Then I knew it had gone way too far!
–Times Square
Guy: She’s kind of the President of the Prostitute Guild.
–Hughes Ave, the Bronx
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Girl on cell: Mom, are you drunk at Wal-Mart again?
–86th & Lex
Drunk man: I can’t believe they took Ray’s fucking Pizza out of the Ferry Terminal. How am I supposed to sober up before I go home now?
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Drunk guy: I have to move down to this end of the train because, if I don’t, I’m gonna hit that motherfucker down there. I know I only want to hit him because I’ve been drinking. If I wasn’t drinking, he wouldn’t bother me. If I had been drinking more, I’d just hit him. But right now I’m caught in a strange netherworld and I’ll just chill down here.
–1 train
Overheard by: Susan Elliott
Guy on cell: What? That ungrateful, lying bitch. I can drink more Jack through my dick than he could spill on a table!
–Times Square
Guy: Man, I don’t care if they call Protective Services on me. When my kid turns ten, I’ll be like, “You’re ready. Let’s go get hammered.” No fuckin’ way I’m waiting ’til he’s eleven.
–7th St & 2nd Ave
50-Something guy on cell: Yeah, I just spoke to Kate, and everything is wonderful. The liquor stores are open, and people are riding bicycles.
–1st Ave between 9th & 10th
Overheard by: LiAps
Enemy of Bill W.: If we pass a bar, do you guys mind stopping? I just need it chug a beer. It will literally take me 4 seconds.
–3rd St & 1st Ave
Female tourist: I don’t get it. This isn’t a square, it’s like… triangular.
Male tourist: No, no, they just call it that because… well… it’s like… a square… a square of people. I don’t know, it has something to do with algebra.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Luke
Boy in moving car, to random boy on street: First I’m going to kill your mom, then your dad, then your dog, and then I’m going to shoot your cat!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Carolynn
Tourist husband: So what is this show about?
Tourist wife: I believe it’s like a Muppets story.
—Avenue Q, Golden Theater, W 45th St
Overheard by: Jose
Headline by: Michael
Runners-Up:
· “The Muppets Take Manhattan, Roll It Over, Pull Its Hair and Make It Call Them ‘Daddy’” – Colin McCleod
· “…And Miss Saigon Is About a Beauty Pageant” – bri b
· “And Porn Is Like a Plumbing Story” – jdw
· “And the Dinner You Took Me to at Olive Garden? That Was Like Italian.” – Andy Klingenberger
· “Avenue Q Tickets: $120. The Looks on Vernon and Estelle’s Faces When They Hear ‘The Internet is for Porn’: Priceless” – what i wouldn’t give to watch them watch the show
· “Everyone’s a Little Misinformed” – ian
· “Maybe If the Muppets Took Fire Island” – Broomrider
· “The Same Way That Debbie Does Dallas Is a Travel Documentary” – Kristin Sacre
· “Today’s Letters Are S, E and X, and the Number Is 69” – Iain, London
Sports enthusiast: Man, that guy was queerer than a football bat.
–40th & 6th
Queer enthusiast: My son can play football, but only if he’s gay…Because, well, at least he’d be gay.
–The Cloisters
