Upper East Side

Wednesday One-Liners Should Be the City’s Official Animal

Bronx-born bartender: Theses mouses is gangstas up in here!

–Bar, Gramercy Park

Overheard by: Johnny Progrums

Hispanic kid in group: Gah! Not only do they have rats, but they have immigrants!

–34th St, between 7th & 8th Ave

Black queer on cell, flailing arms as rat crosses his path: Oh my god, a giant rat just went by! It was as large as a purse!

–93rd & Broadway

Woman on phone: … So they said, ‘If you found a rat, then you got a free taco…’

–92nd & Lex

Overheard by: Lost my craving for Mexican for dinner

NYU chick: Is that like a rat that masturbates?!

–Carlyle residence hall, Union Square

Overheard by: j

Wednesday One-Liners Adjust Their Tiaras

JAP getting off at Berkeley Heights: I was getting anxious about getting anxious! It was like I had anxiety about getting anxiety! What? No, the pills aren’t for that. Shut up, Mom! I’ll call you later.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: embarrassed to live in jersey

JAP on cell: You know, it just goes to show you how sensitive we’ve become in this country to sexual misconduct and sexual… Sexual… What’s the word? Being sued.

–116th & Broadway

JAP on cell: … And then I totally just, like, bought it at Bergdorf’s… No, no! Not Bloomingdale’s — Bergdorf’s! You know, as in Bergdorf Cohen’s?

–serendipipty

Blonde JAP: Like, this is totally tighter than my colonoscopy. Ugh!

–Crowded A train

JAP on cell: Oh, that guy? I think he lost interest in me. One day I said something about how all the girls on the Upper East Side look the same and are totally boring, and he said, ‘But yeah! That’s you, too!’

–83rd & 3rd

Overheard by: A&M

Oh! Well, I Love Your Little Hat.

Blonde: Wait, are you Jewish?
Brunette: No. I’m Colombian.

–96th & 5th

“Kobe” Something?

Girl #1: So, I just met this guy… And we, like, totally connected! I mean, I could tell him everything, and it felt like we belonged together, you know?
Girl #2: Dude… You’re 14 — you’re not supposed to find a guy that’s husband material! Get a grip! By the way, what’s his name?
Girl #1: [Silence.]

–UES

Overheard by: Lina

Care to Buy This Videotape of It Anyway?

Stranger guy: Sooo, you guys on a first date?
Girl, whose date just headed for the restroom: No.
Stranger guy: Good. It did not feel like one.

–83rd & 3rd

And That I Took Those Two Hits of Acid Earlier

Older woman: What’s the time, dear?
Teen girl: Two o’clock.
Old woman: Are you sure? It looks dark outside.
Teen girl, annoyed: Yes, I’m sure.
Man, overhearing: Actually, I think it’s seven P.M.
Teen girl: Oh, right. I forgot we set the clocks back this weekend.

–86th & Lex

Overheard by: Arun

She Won That Parcheesi Game Fair and Square

Little boy: She’s just a freakin’ cheater. That’s all!
Old lady: Don’t call your mother that.

–79th & 2nd

Hardly. I Studied with the Bejing Opera

Black chick: What kind of soup do you got?
Chinese deli guy: Uhhh, we got some chicken noodle soup.
Black chick: Oh, just chicken noodle soup?
Chinese deli guy, singing and dancing: With a soda on the side! [Black chick glares at him in silence.] Uhhh, yeah, that’s all.
Black chick: That’s fuckin’ ign’ant, man.

–106th & 2nd

Or Is It a Laboratory Poodle?

Bimbette #1: Chris got a lab-a-doodle.
Bimbette #2: What’s that?
Bimbette #1: It’s a cross between a Labrador and a doodle.

–Lexington Ave, between 61st & 62nd St

Overheard by: The New York Crank

I Got Yer Rhapsody In Blue Right Here!

Tourista #1, about street sign with large bend in middle: Why does the Gershwin Way sign have a curve in it like that?
Tourista #2: I think it’s to symbolize Gershwin’s music.
New Yorker passerby: A truck backed into it, ya stupid bitches.

–NW corner, E 50 St & Broadway

Overheard by: Big Larry

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