Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Had Medical Insurance

Girl on cell, smiling and laughing: Maybe because he’s a cripple!

–Pavilion Movie Theater

Overheard by: Jamie F

Running tween girl to friend: I’m going to give you breast cancer, you idiot!

–Times Square

Yuppie woman on cell and pushing empty wheelchair: Honey, guess what? I’m not a paraplegic anymore! No, seriously! Isn’t that great?!

–12th & 3rd

Suit on cell: You shouldn’t feel bad for the boy who cried uterine trouble.

–A train

Overheard by: Sue

Woman to street vendor: That’s the problem with my inverted uterus…

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: BT

Genius holding her breath to cure hiccups: Oh my god, I hate the hiccups. I mean, seriously. The hiccups are the most annoying thing ever. Like, if I had the choice of having cancer or the hiccups, I would choose cancer. I mean, I know people who’ve had cancer, and the hiccups are way more annoying.

–N train

Overheard by: jessica

Jersey chick to friend, after denying deaf panhandler: I mean, if he were missing a limb or something, that would be one thing…

–NJT train from Penn Station

Overheard by: gotta draw the line somewhere

Wednesday One-Liners for Michael Douglas

Gleeful girl to friend: Hey, do you like child trafficking?!

–Union Square

Overheard by: NYCtrippedmyconscience

Hobo sitting on ground cleaning a trumpet, to hot lady passerby: Hey, don’t fucking look at me — I’m too old for you!

–51st & 2nd

Overheard by: Outlaw

20-ish chick on cell: I only fucked that scum-sucking man-whore because my ex was fucking an 18-year-old.

–Bleecker & Broadway

Teacher with group of kids on field trip: It’s so hard to find a tall, skinny senior boy.

–C train

Overheard by: ej

Teen girl: Yeah, Renata can totally pull off pedophilia.

–C train

Overheard by: sarah

Wednesday One-Liners Watch Oz

Woman to friend: It just wasn’t what they imagined when they dreamed of going to jail.

–5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: MK

LA bimbette to another: I think, like, everyone I know has been arrested. I mean, like, who hasn’t been charged with a drunk and disorderly at least once?

–R train

Chick to friend: Yeah, he got a lot of gold chains, but that’s an investment… That’s bail.

–Bus, Port Authority

Guy leaving subway: Hey, baby, I’m home! One more day and I’m not in jail!

–Subway entrance, 125th St

Overheard by: Leaving Harlem

Teen thug: Man, I never had to spend Valentine’s Day with my mom… If her boyfriend wasn’t in jail she wouldn’t be bothering me.

–Eastern Pkwy Library

Chick to boyfriend: So, that’s what you learned in prison?

–Central Park

Wednesday One-Liners by Victoria

Puerto Rican girl to another: I never dated a white guy, ’cause they got bad taste in underwear.

–Subway station, Times Square

Overheard by: Mama

Chick: … So I was dancing in the kitchen in my underwear and I looked out the window and the orthodox Yeshiva student guy that lives across the building from me was just staring open-mouthed. I’m never gonna open the curtains in the kitchen again.

–181st St

Overheard by: LSB

Mother to toddler son: Now, honey, close your eyes. This isn’t for you.

–Frederick’s of Hollywood, King’s Plaza

Queer: I totally go out of my way to wear edible thongs to work.

–Library Bar, Houston & Ave A

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Teen girl quickly descending staircase: I didn’t wear a bra again today. My boobs are bouncing down these stairs!

–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island

Suit on cell: Well, I mean, I have thongs… But I really don’t consider those underwear…

–W 4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Laura

Some of My Best Friends Are Wednesday One-Liners

Female conductor over speaker: Oh, I know you did not! If you wanna wait for your friends, you wait on the platform — do not hold my motherfucking doors!

–Manhattan-bound 1 train, 225th St

Young suit to another: I’m introducing you as a good friend of mine from the Bank of America, just so you know.

–Houston & Varick

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Middle-aged B&T lady: She told me she had no trouble with her friend dying in her apartment.

–375 Hudson St

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

White chick: When I was younger I used to fart really loud every time I laughed. I think that’s why I didn’t have any friends.

–Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: MaryAnnaise

Five-year-old boy throwing wad of trash at younger brother: Say hello to my little friend!

–15th & 7th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: nyamelia

Tired man on cell: You harassed me, you harassed my friends, and you cut up all my furniture… I don’t know what else there is to talk about.

–Steinway & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Czarina

Tween: Yeah, and then I made my friend scratch my back with his claws… And then I got ringworm.

–Q train, 8th & Broadway

Overheard by: worldfamouscats.com

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Having It

Ditz: This chair is so comfortable. It feels just like the chair they let me sit in for 30 minutes after I got my abortion… No, that one was even more comfortable!

–Kmart, Astor Pl

Girl on cell: And it worked? So, when are you going to miscarry? You are so smart. That’s awesome. Teach me, Simone. Teach me.

–Subway from Ditmars Blvd into Times Square

Overheard by: Meg

Chick: They were on a roadtrip in Ohio. They had this idea to bum-rush the abortion clinic protestors. She would throw her mom down on the ground and start eating her out. Then they would get up and run away.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Seven-year-old girl: So, Mommy, why did Aunt Debbie kill the baby in her tummy?

–3rd St & 5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Matty H

Hipster girl on cell: Seriously, every time I hear a guy say he’s pro-choice I just want to have his babies.

–Housing Works Bookstore

Blond man on cell: Thank you for calling the abortion clinic. You rape ’em, we scrape ’em… Hi, Dad.

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: Brady

Wednesday One-Liners Try Out Their Fake IDs

Teen: Don’t touch my freshman!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Teen boy: I can’t scream. I lost my voice doing the Hokey Pokey.

–98th & 5th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Thug teen: Hey, guys, you see those cops over there? Watch this… Fuck the police! Hahaha — oh, shit, they’re coming over here… Run!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N

14-year-old girl: I had like eight shots of vodka, and I didn’t get drunk or anything. I just couldn’t feel my face.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Sofa

Teen kid: Dude, there’s like nothing to do here.

–Central Park West

Wednesday One-Liners Are Pissed at Michael Richards

Clueless white lady: Oh, I wanted to see this Dave Chappelle’s Black Party— I mean, uh…

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

White guy: I didn’t call him a monkey because he was black, I called him a monkey because he’s a fucking retard.

–Washington Square North

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Little Dominican boy to teacher: How come only black people get to be Indians?

–Plains Indians exhibit, Museum of Natural History

Old white lady trips over middle-aged white guy’s luggage: You’re just as bad as the black people!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: trying to get out of the way

Black guy to white guy in giant afro wig: Yeah, I wish I could be black.

–St. Mark’s Pl

Wednesday One-Liners Are Melanin-Challenged

White woman with white pooch on cell: I fucking hate white people.

–19th & Park

Chick: Yeah, I always wanted to do that play in high school, but then I was like, ‘Oh, yeah, I’m white.’

–13th & 5th

Overheard by: Sarah

Hobo to group of teen hipster girls: Oh my god, you ladies are beautiful! And you’re all white!

–Bleecker St

Black chick: When I was little I thought that white people pooped white.

–35th & 8th

Old black lady to others outside office building being investigated for the smell of gas: … And then I saw all the white people leaving, so I left.

–15th & 8th

Overheard by: Evacuated Employee

Wednesday One-Liners Skate by on Their Looks

Woman, about Kate Moss photo: At the time they don’t think that you’re on drugs, they just think that you’re beautiful.

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: Harried Visitor

Old woman to another: He had a beautiful, beautiful body, a handsome face, and a big old dick that would just kill ya!

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: rita

Perfume seller: Designer perfume! Five dollars. Only five dollars. Discounts for pretty ladies. [Looks at lady passerby] For you… $4.99.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Renea

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