Thug teen: I wanna take out this fuckin’ book.
Librarian: Okay, well, go to the check-out desk.
Thug teen: I got to go to the other fuckin’ desk, mothafuckah?
Librarian: Yeah, motherfucker. The other fuckin’ desk.
–Brooklyn Library
Thug teen: I wanna take out this fuckin’ book.
Librarian: Okay, well, go to the check-out desk.
Thug teen: I got to go to the other fuckin’ desk, mothafuckah?
Librarian: Yeah, motherfucker. The other fuckin’ desk.
–Brooklyn Library
Girl looking at GRE study guide: I’m not very smart. I took a practice test the other day and didn’t do good.
Friend: ‘Well.’ You didn’t do well.
Girl: No, it’s ‘good.’ A person is ‘well’ — like, ‘I’m doing well,’ but a person can’t do something well, they do it good.
Friend: You’re wrong.
Girl: No, that’s how it is.
–Barnes & Noble, 5th Ave
Columbia boy: So, are you a vegetarian?
Columbia girl: Yeah, kinda. You?
Columbia boy: I’m a pescatarian.
Columbia girl: Yeah, that’s great. So, do you eat meat or not?
–116th & Broadway
Overheard by: merc
Not-so-Renthead: Have you seen Rent?
Potential Renthead: Yeah.
Not-so-Renthead: I have that song stuck in my head.
Potential Renthead: Which one?
Not-so-Renthead: I don’t know. I think it’s the one… where he’s like… yelling at her. I don’t know the words.
–The New School
Overheard by: La Vie Boheme
JAP: I have nothing against Australians or anything — I even made out with a few the other night — but I am not going to Outback.
–Spring St
Overheard by: Jason
JAP on cell: And I was like, ‘Have you been in the new building yet?’ And he was like, ‘I know, it’s a maze.’ And I was like, ‘Oh my god, you Abreve, too?!’ And he was like, ‘Um, no… I mean, like, a… maze.’
–Bryant Park
JAP to chihuahua trying to pee on sidewalk: Focus! Focus!
–79th & Broadway
Overheard by: Lisa
20-something JAP on cell: Did you call Dr. Stein* for me? Why not?! … But I don’t want to call him! Why can’t you just call him for me? I’m not calling him! … But my asshole is still bleeding!
–Duane Reade, Chambers & Broadway
JAP on cell: So, I met up with him, and he asked me if I was anorexic! I was like, ‘No, but thanks for noticing!’ He got all mad, though. I think his sister died of anorexia or something. Whatever, at least I know I look great.
–88th & Park
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Man #1 after being cut off by Man #2: You ignoramus!
Man #2: I don’t know what that is — just call me an ‘asshole’!
–Parking garage
Overheard by: Man #1’s giggling nephew
Headline by: Nick T.
Runners-Up:
· “Can We Settle on ‘Ignoranus?'” – Sara G.
· “Just as long as you call me!” – Rob Graham
· “Let’s compromise on “Poopy Cerebellum”” – Matt Koff
· “Remember? No More Than Two Syllables For New Yorkers!!” – Jen
Professor pointing at a slide of Andy Warhol’s Elvis and one of a giant mountain: Can anyone tell me what the similarities and differences of these two images are?
Student #1: The Warhol print is completely commercial, while the mountain is very natural.
Professor: Yes, that’s one way to see them. Anyone else?
Student #2: One’s a big rock, and one’s the king of rock.
Professor: I think we can all go home now.
–NYU
Overheard by: Addison
Jerk in back row: Paul McCartney should have stopped after the Beatles. I mean, what the fuck else good did he do after that? Nothing. Not a goddamn thing. He couldn’t go from point A to point B. What’s the shortest distance from A to B, again? Like, the hypotenuse of a triangle? He never found the hypotenuse without Lennon.
Annoyed man in front of him: Dude, the hypotenuse is the longest side. Now shut the fuck up.
Annoyed man’s girlfriend: That was so hot.
–Carnegie Hall
Crackhead girl talking to old pimp: I don’t know why for she call you… Just to be talkin’ shit… You know how I be is…
–Bed-Stuy
Vassar student: If I spoke France fluently, I’d be there right now!
–West 7th & Avenue T
Man leaning into friend’s car window: Nah, she aight… Nah, she aight… Nah, she aight. [Sees a guy across the street] Hey, man, you aight? Aight… Nah, she aight…
–150th & Macombs
Black woman: He coulda played for the Bears, he coulda played for the Jets, but nothing never stucked.
–14th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: off white
Earnest student giving presentation: I was going to talk about Freud, but I decided he was tangenital to the discussion.
–NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: She wasn’t kidding, and no one laughed
Artistic hipster wannabe: Also, not to get too psychoanaliterature…
–Starbucks, Union Square West
Overheard by: Benjamin
Thug: Yo, nigga, don’t make me yo’ escapegoat!
–4 train, Bronx
Overheard by: charles elliot
Teen #1: It’s one word!
Teen #2: No it ain’t, it’s two!
Teen #1: No, it’s one word!
Teen #2: Two!
Teen #1: One!
Teen #2: ‘MySpace’ is two words!
Teen #1: No it ain’t — it’s ‘MySpace’ — it’s a compount word. They made it up!
–Jamaica-bound E train
Overheard by: JHA
