Ahhh! Real New Yorkers

I’m Proud to Be a Wednesday One-Liner

Homeless guy: I got a sore on my left foot! Look at it! That’s what comes from being in America!

–Beth Israel Emergency Room, 18th & 1st

Doorman: So I looked her straight in the face and I said, ‘Listen, you’re in America now.’

–Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Columbus Circle

Yasser Arafat look-alike: If she’s naked, don’t go in there; I know how these goddamn American girls are.

–Bedford St & W 4th

Overheard by: Birthday Boy

Woman in exaggerated Latin accent: Run, run, American people! Run before you miss the train!

–Uptown 6 train, Wall St station

Overheard by: gay among hardhats

Guy: It’s an old American name, like in the Bible.

–A train arriving at 59th St

Overheard by: IanM

Park Avenue woman, upset because cashier didn’t have quarters: I have every right to be nasty! I’m an American! I’m a fucking New Yorker!

–23rd & Park

Spanish hipster tourist: Americans are the worst!

–Apple store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Irresistable Force Versus Immovable Object, Manhattan Style

Guy: Excuse me, miss. Excuse me. Excuse me! Woman, move!
Girl: Dude, I’m not a tourist.
Guy: Oh. Sorry.

–59th St & Lex

A Muffin AND The Sweetest Compliment Ever. Will You Marry Me?

American girl: Get yourself a fucking muffin and let’s go.
British boy: I don’t have any cash.
Girl: Use my credit card, I’m leaving now.
Boy: I can’t use your card. I don’t have your id.
Girl: They don’t check, they never check. You look like a woman, you look like a fucking transexual.
Boy: Really?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: johnjoseph bibby

Doris Brings Manhattan to a Standstill

Lost tourist on cell, blocking the crosswalk with her luggage: I’m standing on the corner of 42nd and 3rd.
Passing native: Yeah, and in everyone’s mothafucking way.

–42nd & 3rd

Overheard by: She was in my way too

If Wednesday One-Liners Can Make It Here, They Can Make It Anywhere

Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.

–Battery Park

Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It’s people like that who give New York City a bad name.

–Lindy’s, 7th Ave

Overheard by: joemikehap

Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I’m a New Yorker; it’s practically a requirement!

–F train

Overheard by: Braincurve

Tourist on cell: Yeah! I’m in New York! Yeah, it’s kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can’t drink in the streets.

–Grand Central

Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Laura

Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that’s why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York…except for niggas on the train.

–Regal Cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Clitoris Rex

Little girl: There’s a lot of people in this New York City!

–Times Square

Stand Clear of the Wednesday One-Liners, Please

Conductor: We know it’s Monday, and we’re sorry, but we still want to wish you a good week.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Hates Mondays

Conductor: This is the 5:50 super duper express train to Great Neck.

–LIRR

Overheard by: vm

Conductor: This is an uptown D train, making stops to wherever I want.

–Uptown D train

Overheard by: tired commuter

Conductor: 207th Street. Last stop. Everyone wake up and get the fuck off my train; I want to go home. Thanks for riding MTA.

–Uptown A train, 207th St

Overheard by: How far north can you go?

Conductor: Stand clear of the…uh…opening doors.

–Q train, 57th St

Overheard by: K. Chas

Conductor: Everybody out. This is the last stop on the Manhattan bound L train. You must use the Brooklyn bound L train and connect to the G to the A or C trains for service to Manhattan. [The train empties] Hahaha. Just kidding! Everybody back on. This train is going to Manhattan.

–Manhattan bound L train

Overheard by: Taylor G.

Conductor: Good morning, Manhattan, it’s Friday. We can do this! This is a Brooklyn bound 1 train. It’s 7:54. You’ve got plenty of time!

–1 train

You Can Always Count on New Yorkers to Immediately Break a Situation Down to the Essentials

Tall tourist: Hey, they just said Union Square; is that our stop?
Big-Haired tourist: Our stop is 5th Street.
Conductor: The next stop will be 8th Street.
Doe-Eyed tourist: Is that our stop?
Big-Haired tourist: Our stop is 5th Street.
New Yorker #1: There isn’t a stop for 5th Street.
Big-Haired tourist: Then how do we get to Central Park?
New Yorker #2: You should get off and go the other way– 5th Avenue.
New Yorker #3, as doors open at 8th Street: But wait until Canal. Otherwise you’ll have to pay the 2 bucks to get back on the train.

Big-Haired tourist wanders off the train without his tourist counterparts.

Doe-Eyed tourist, as the doors are closing: Wait. Why did he get off?
Tall tourist, to doors: Open up.
New Yorker #2, as the train pulls away: Do you have cell phones?
Tall tourist: No, ma’am.
New Yorker #4: Well, at least his hair looked good.

–Downtown R train

Overheard by: good lord, the tourists are in season

Yet Always Having to Suffer Idiots From Jersey Hitting On You at Bars

Woman, watching the Yankees lose on TV: Are the Mets playing? Let’s watch the Mets. At least that way we won’t have to be ashamed to be New Yorkers.
Man sitting next to her: You should never be ashamed to be a New Yorker. Being a New Yorker means never being ashamed and never having to say you’re sorry.

–Bar, 81st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Zed

Mud Brick Hovels, Yurts, and Step Pyramid Temples, Mostly

Saleslady: Where are you from?
Tourist: Kansas City.
Saleslady: There’s a city in Kansas? Like with buildings?
Tourist: Yes.
Saleslady: Tall ones?

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Evie

The Al-Qaeda Satellite Adds 100 Meters

Tourist: Um, do you live here?
Teen girl: Uh, yeah.
Tourist: Oh, is that the Empire State Building?
Teen girl: You mean the big, pointy building?
Tourist: [nods]Teen girl: What the fuck do you think? [walks away] Fucking tourist.
Tourist: Thank you! [to friend] So, wait, is it the Empire State Building?

–near Union Square

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