The Child Is the Father Of the Wednesday One-Liner

Flamboyant hipster Latino to straight-looking Latino boyfriend: Someday he'll call you daddy, and then all hell is gonna break loose.

–Ave C & 16th St

Lady to nine-year-old boy: I hate to tell you, but your dad is in jail. He owes me a lot of money!

–R Train

Guy on cell: Yeah, look, I told you. Your bail was set at $18,000. The bail bondsman wants 10%. Where the fuck am I supposed to get $1,800 to bail your sorry ass out of jail? (pause) Yeah, I love you too, dad.

–33rd St b/w 7th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Jason

FedEx delivery guy on cell: How the hell did Halle Berry get pregnant without me being the father?

–Spruce St

Overheard by: janine

Posted on February 2, 2011
About Celebrities, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Family Ties, Money & Class, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Prison, Stuyvesant Town, Trains Not Subway, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Find Nemo

Woman on cell: Number one: I'll tell you what you can do with that fish. You can shove it right up your ass! (pause) Number two: You know what you can do with that fish? You can shove it right up your ass!

–Steps, The Met

Overheard by: gossipgirlish

Boy to mother: Mama, can we surprise grandpa with a catfish?

–Central Park East

Overheard by: walter

Woman reading map: No dead fish in Nebraska.

–D Train

Overheard by: Sunny

Girl to guy friend at hip hop show: That chick just sprayed her coochie with perfume. Now it smells like a fish died and the other fish sent flowers.

–Voodoo Lounge, 1st Ave

Posted on December 29, 2010
Central Park, Death, Family Ties, Food, Questions, Sensory Experiences, The Met, Trains Not Subway, U.S. Geography, Upper East Side, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Stupid Incest Taboo

Guy #1: Oh is that the girl you fucking?
Guy #2: No, that's my niece.
Guy #1: Oh, too bad.

–6 Train

Overheard by: MJ

Posted on December 11, 2010
Family Ties, Guys, Questions, Sex, Trains Not Subway

…At Which Point She Became a Cougar.

Young chick #1: They got married really young.
Young chick #2: And he never matured?
Young chick #1: No, and she just got tired of waiting for him to grow up, so they got divorced when she was like 21.

–73rd & Broadway

Posted on December 4, 2010
Age/Aging, Family Ties, Marriage, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

My Mistake Was Taking Body Shots Off Grandma

Drunk 20-something #1: Oh, I blame it completely on them.
Drunk 20-something #2: Why is that?
Drunk 20-something #1: Because they started it. They took out the tequila. I wound up playing quarters with my aunts and my grandmother. It's all their fault I was such a slut.

–Uptown R Train

Overheard by: Feeling awkward…

Posted on November 21, 2010
Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Family Ties, Home, Sweet Home, Hootchies, On the Subway, Promiscuity

Bill O'Reilly Wasn't the Easiest Kid to Raise.

Small boy zipping by on scooter: What's that word again?
Mother, following behind him: “Conspiracy.”
Small boy: Tax conspiracy!

–Prospect Heights, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Katie Naum

Posted on November 20, 2010
Brooklyn, Family Ties, Government, Kids, Moms, Paranoia, Parents, Republicans, Should've Used a Condom

What If Everybody in Brooklyn Felt That Way?

Friend #1: I hope I never have an ugly baby.
Friend #2: Well, then don't get pregnant.

–B38 Bus

Overheard by: Paula Lanier

Posted on November 1, 2010
Beauty, Bus, Comebacks, Family Ties, Friends, Kids, On the Bus, Physical appearance, Pregnancy & Birth Control

One Doesn't Expect Metaphor on the Subway

Guido #1: Yo, your team hasn't won a playoff in ten years. Maybe not this year, but the Jets are going all the way to the Super Bowl.
Guido #2: Yeah, and if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. (pause) If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle.

–1 Train

Overheard by: DZB

Posted on October 23, 2010
Balls, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Football, Guidos, On the Subway

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, and Something Wednesday One-Liner

Woman on cell: Yeah, today's his wedding. I thought about driving seven hours through the snowstorm to go, but then I realized that it's his third wedding, he has two kids, and he's marrying some woman who's pregnant and married to someone else, so I decided to fuck that shit and stay in the city.

–6th Ave & Bleecker St

Overheard by: office peon

30-something guy on cell: Your dad told you, your brother told you, I told you… Not to get married.

–Upper West Side

Woman: We may or may not still be married. I mean, I signed the papers but I don't know if they were ever filed.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Woman screaming at embarrassed guy: We have to figure this out! You can't be married to two women at once!

–Chambers & Broadway

Overheard by: Jack

Posted on October 13, 2010
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Family Ties, Guys, Insults, Marriage, On Cell, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Street, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Williamsburg, Women

Four, Then?

Mom: You're grounded.
Kid: Thanks.
Mom: How about two weeks, then?
Kid: No problem.
Mom: Okay, let's make it three weeks.
Kid: No, let's do two.
Mom: Oh, no, three weeks with no video games.

–MacDougal & Houston

Overheard by: jaydiggs

Posted on October 10, 2010
Family Ties, Gadgets, Kids, Moms, The Village, Time

Family Ties