Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Fit Into Their Pants From College

Man: I can’t leave my door unlocked in the Barrio. Someone might sneak in and steal all my spices.

–42nd & Ditmars, Astoria

Man on cell: Now why the fuck would you go and eat my ravioli? Dat’s mine!

–42nd & Lex

Overheard by: Danny

Black tween girl: And that nigga bitch Rihanna thinks she can do ballet? Shit! I can do ballet. The only thing I ever seen that nigga do right is eat fried chicken.

–Q train

Overheard by: kb

Woman: I mean, I would have loved rice. We all would have loved rice.

–8th St between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Jaya

Chick: The other day I ate a hot dog, and it had a bone in it. I don’t know what animal they make hot dogs out of, but I’m pretty sure they don’t have bones.

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: seth kleinman

Girl: Food is like candy.

–92nd & Broadway

Shrewd observer: He is either in the Army or chews a lot of gum.

–Ludlow & Rivington

Overheard by: pete Lanpr

Lady: There ain’t no way I’m standing in front of a stove all day making tuna salad. It’s fucking hot!

–104th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fatty McFingers

Queer: Oh my God, cottage cheese is albino diarrhea.

–City Diner, 90th & Broadway

Man to child in stroller: What do you want? You want money? Do you want money or a bagel?

–Absolut Bagels, 108th & Broadway

Overheard by: another jew

Chick on cell: …No, not years of porn, ears of corn! Corn, like you eat!

–Ding Dong’s, 106th & Columbus

Overheard by: Jas

Passionate woman: I just love egg white! It’s like painting to me! The texture, the smell…

–17th & Broadway

Overheard by: Shivvers

Pringles lover: Yeah, he’s, like, all that minus the bag of chips.

–14th St between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: the chips

Big black dude: So tell me, how much would it cost to get a huuuuge jar of mayonnaise, outta state?

–Uptown 5 train

Posted on June 19, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Fat People, Food, Manhattan, Restaurants & Cafes

Speaking Of People Who'd Never Eat Cake

Passenger #1: It's like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too.
Passenger #2: I don't get that. I mean, if I bought the cake, why wouldn't I eat it?
Passenger #1: That's not the point, if you eat the cake it's not there anymore. Get it?
Passenger #2: Then why did I buy the cake in the first place?
(15 minutes later)
Passenger #2: But what about the cake?
Passenger #1: So did you watch The Hills last night?

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Dr.C

Posted on June 19, 2015
Food, On the Subway, Passengers, Philosophy, Questions, TV

But If I Find One Hair, It’s Going in the Trash

Teen girl #1: No, I don’t think I’ll be buying a chocolate vagina.
Teen girl #2: Why not?! It tastes like chocolate but looks like a vagina!
Teen girl #1: Okay… maybe.

–45th & Broadway

Posted on June 19, 2015
Business and Commerce, Food, Junk Food & Fast Food, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Private Parts, Teens, Vagina

Highest Maintenance

Anal Man: I want a grilled chicken wrap. But I don’t want cheese and I want a little bit of dressing on the bread as you’re making it. Some places don’t put dressing.
Cashier: We don’t put dressing here.
Anal Man: Just a bit of dressing. Not too much.
Cashier: Do you want the combo?
Anal Man: No!

–Ranch 1, Union Square

Posted on June 18, 2015
Cashiers, Customers, Food, Restaurants & Cafes

…Goodwill to Men

Flagman: Hey man, why you drivin’ over my orange cones?
SUV guy: I need to turn here.
Flagman: You can’t; street’s closed! There’s a big ass crane coming down! See it?…What are you doing? You see that big ass crane? Why you rolling over my cones? It’s dangerous. Street’s closed!
SUV guy: I need to turn here and go down this street!
Flagman: You see that big ass crane? You wanna play chicken with that? Go one block down and come back on the other side. Take you five minutes.
SUV guy: But I need to turn here and go down this street! You can’t block a street in New York, asshole!
Flagman: It’s dangerous. Street’s closed! Back up or get outta the damned truck. What’s the matter with you? Get out of the damned car!
SUV guy: Damn it! Asshole.
Flagman: Damn! He rolled over my cones…Fuckin’ Mercedes driver! Anybody else wanna play chicken with that big ass crane?

–48th & Broadway

Overheard by: Kevin W. Eaches

Charity mugger: Hey! My name’s Lisa and I’d like to talk to you about donating to North Shore Animal League–
Guy: Let me be honest, Lisa. I work in customer service. That means for 8 hours a day, I have to be polite to everyone I speak with and this is my lunch hour. It’s the one hour of my day where I’m not forced to be nice. I’m sure you’re a nice girl, but why don’t you fuck off?

–Broadway & Pine

Overheard by: Mr. X-mas Tree

Hobo: You mean to tell me no one else on this goddamn train has anything else to eat? I hope you all choke on your Christmas dinners!

–C train

Overheard by: MissHell