Drunk girl: You’ve seen anal sex a million times in porn, but have you ever once seen shit on the guy’s dick? Or on the sheets?
Guy: Maybe they give the girls enemas first.
Drunk girl, draining glass: Well, they must give ’em something, because in real life ass-fucking is a shitty business.
–Tony Awards after-party, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Big Larry
Little boy: Do you have 25 cents?
Older sister: What? No… You don’t need a tampon.
Little boy: No, I want a napkin.
Older sister: You don’t need those, either.
Little boy: I want a napkin for my face! [Reads off dispenser] See? Nap-kin.
Older sister: Those aren’t napkins like we use at the table. They’re… um… y’know, ladies’ things, like Mommy uses.
Little boy: Ohhh…
–Ladies’ room, Home Depot, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Pippa
Girl: Is it okay to swallow gum?
Guy #1: Yeah, if the guy’s been tested…
Guy #2: Dude, she said ‘gum.’
Guy #1: Oh… Awkward…
–Death Cab for Cutie show, Madison Square Garden Theater
Overheard by: Domi
Chick on cell: Um, it’s me, and you know what? I just sent you and email that was all like, “I don’t want to think about it, I just want to blah blah blah.” I changed my mind. I do want to think about it, and you know what happens when I do? I say, ew! Yuck, yuck, yuck, ew, ew, yuck. argh! Ugh! Ugh! I’m so grossed out right now I cannot even tell you. What a fucking asshole. Asshole, asshole, asshole. I hate him, I hate him. He’s a big dick. A big dick. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m walking around the streets of New York swearing, but god knows I’m not the first person. Holy shit, what a dick. Ew. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Call me back. Bye!
–Union Square
Girl: Did you hear that one?
Friend: Nope.
Girl: Do I have to blow my ass out on your face for you to hear my farts?
–New York Botanical Garden, the Bronx
Girl #1: Come on, smell it!
Girl #2: Why would I put my nose close to the poop in your hair?
–14th & Ave A
Football player on razor scooter, chasing shirtless theater major: I'll get you my pretty… And your little dick too!
–Wagner College
Girl, looking at long ladies bathroom queue: At times like these, I wish women had dicks.
–Winter Garden Theatre
Slightly drunk man: I feel like someone just shut a door on my dick.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Sunny
Hooker to pimp: I had to suck his dick in front of everyone!
–Outside Penn Station
Overheard by: David
Girl: And sometimes I just don't like seafood, you know?
Guy: Sometimes, I just don't like you.
–67th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Liz
Small Asian girl, crying on cell phone: Where are you guys?
Security guard: No talking on cell phones!
Asian girl: But… But I lost my friends.
Security guard: And no crying either!
–The Met
Bored babysitter: Suzie*, if Jimmy* kicked you in the head, would you cry?
Suzie*, slowly: Yes.
Bored babysitter: Then why did you kick him in the head?
Suzie*: Because I want him to cry.
Bored babysitter: Fair enough.
–85th St & Riverside
Overheard by: olivia
