Jerk in back row: Paul McCartney should have stopped after the Beatles. I mean, what the fuck else good did he do after that? Nothing. Not a goddamn thing. He couldn’t go from point A to point B. What’s the shortest distance from A to B, again? Like, the hypotenuse of a triangle? He never found the hypotenuse without Lennon.
Annoyed man in front of him: Dude, the hypotenuse is the longest side. Now shut the fuck up.
Annoyed man’s girlfriend: That was so hot.
–Carnegie Hall
Hipster girl: If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Hipster bartender: Lord of the Rings.
Hipster girl: Okay, seriously — this is a safe place, there’s no judgment here, but you’re fucking retarded.
–Enid’s Bar
Hungover chick #1: I was so drunk last night I can hardly even remember counting down.
Hungover chick #2: Did we even count down?
Hungover chick #1: Yeah, idiot.
Hungover chick #2: When?
–Lyric Diner, 22nd St & 3rd Ave
Teen boy #1: You hit like a girl.
Teen boy #2: Yeah, well, you taste like a girl.
–110th St & Cathedral Pkwy
Drunk blonde: My roommate is so fat, every day I’m like, ‘Put down the fuckin’ twinkie, fatass.’
Suit: Uh-huh.
Drunk blonde: And then she just rolls over.
Suit: Yeah, I have the same problem with my wife.
–L train
Guy in BYU tee: Let’s just face it — no one we meet here will be normal.
BYU girl: Yeah, you’re so right.
–Washington Square Park
Enormous black woman clutching frantic feral cat: Who’ll gimme a dollar fo’ this kitten? I know one of ya’lls got a dollar fo’ this kitten. You?! You?!
Confused passerby: Didn’t you get that from the vacant lot behind you?
Enormous black woman clutching frantic feral cat: Shut up, fool! Okay… Fitty cent, then!
–West 153rd St
Overheard by: goofopet
Fag hag: Nuh-uh! She say yo’ mama old?
Young and fabulous latino: Shiiit. I was like, ‘Don’ even start with me, aiight? My mama had me whe she was 14! She was all like, ‘Uh… Uh…’ pushin’ me outta her pussy like I was hot!’
–6 train
Overheard by: Goofopet
Woman: And you know what’s worse?
Man: What?
Woman: All the demons are male. Always. I mean, how unfair is that? It’s fucking retarded.
–B75 bus
Thug: This is a fuckin’ Kodak moment, man [snaps picture of fellow thug with camera phone].
–Bleecker & McDougal
Overheard by: acep
Drunk ferry operator holding a camera: I am the shutterbug. S-H-utterbug.
–2 Toms Restaurant, Park Slope
Suit on cell: Hey, sweetie, I found your Army helmet in my car. Did you find my shirt? … Because you poured beer in my ear. Why? No idea — I was going to ask you. I can’t wait to see the moustache pictures.
–Wall St
Overheard by: Wants to see the pics
Chick on cell: I thought I told you to never call me again, and here I look down at my phone and guess who it is?! … After those pictures you sent me?!
–Bleecker & Hudson
Overheard by: Me, Myself, Personally
20-year-old thug to friend: Yeah, she’s the prettiest. When she’s sucking on my dick and looks up, you just wanna take a picture.
–Queens-bound E platform, 14th St station
Overheard by: Nikki W
Gold-digging wife to gal pals: I am totally not going to Vegas for Jenny’s bachelorette party. Can you imagine the photos that could potentially be used in a future divorce proceeding?
–Del Posto Restaurant
