Shopgirl: Can I help anyone with anything?
Man: Yeah, can you give me a lobotomy? ‘Cause I really need one.
Shopgirl: Sorry, no.
Man: C’mon, just bring out a sledgehammer!
–Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker Street
Shopgirl: Can I help anyone with anything?
Man: Yeah, can you give me a lobotomy? ‘Cause I really need one.
Shopgirl: Sorry, no.
Man: C’mon, just bring out a sledgehammer!
–Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker Street
Guy #1: So what are you doing this weekend?
Guy #2: I am heading out for my niece’s birthday party.
Guy #1: Nice. Is she hot?
Guy #2: Well she’s only 3, but she has some cute 4 year old friends I could introduce you to.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Brian
Chick: Are you Jon Lovitz?
Jon Lovitz: Jealous?
–Union Square
Girl: I have to go to the doctor soon.
Guy: Why?
Girl: Because I can’t breathe.
Guy: That’s not good.
Girl: Yeah, my dad doesn’t think so either.
–Rubin Hall Residence, 5th Avenue
Cashier girl: You have more than 10 items.
White man: Who are you? Are you the items police?
Cashier girl: You’re only allowed to have 10 items.
White man: Fine, but I have two of the same items, so does that count as one item or two?
Cashier girl: I have to call the manager.
–D’Agostino, 76th & Lexington
Overheard by: Andrew Saint John Goodwin
Salesman#1: How do you pronounce this guy’s name?
Salesman#2: I’m afraid to try; I might chip a friggin’ tooth.
–Jacob Javits Center
Overheard by: willy k
Hobo: Spare some change?
Hipster dude: Uh, I gave some to the last guy.
Hobo: Hey man, this ain’t a unionized situation.
–34th & 7th
Guy #1: You know what we need? A nice breeze.
Guy #2: What the fuck are you talking about? It’s cold as balls.
Guy #1: I was being ironic.
Guy #2: That’s not ironic. Ironic is like…shit, I don’t know. Like that song.
Guy #1: Naw, man. That’s what people think, but ironic is when you say some shit but you mean some other shit.
Guy #2: Motherfucker, that’s facetious.
Guy #1: Yeah…Then what’s ironic?
Guy #2: How the fuck should I know? You the nigga with the GED.
–49th & 7th
Guy on cell: I don’t think it’s time yet to do the professional intervention thing. I mean if she drops down below 90, then maybe it’s time. But I’d like to her get down to 95, then she would be hot. As long as she doesn’t lose those 5 in her tits. Shit, she has nice tits.
–Whole Foods, Union Square
Guy: You know, for a hundred dollars, you can get that old mink stole
made into a teddy bear!
–M104 bus
Overheard by: Ron Caldwell
