Manhattan

I Can Teach You, But I Have to Charge

Snappy white woman from Long Island to group of noisy black kids with a baby carriage: When are you guys getting off this bus? I need to know when. Just tell me what stop you’re getting off at so I can decide whether I need to catch another one.

The baby’s mother has her breast out and is squeezing and batting it around, a look of glee on her face. The baby is fast asleep in the stroller.

Mother: Look, milk comin’ out of it!!
Long Island woman: Seriously, when are you getting off?

–M15 bus downtown

Overheard by: hannah g

“Dude, I heard she married a rabbit.”

Guy #1: Which one did you make out with?
Guy #2: I dunno, I can’t tell the difference. Whichever one is Jessica.

–Pearl’s, Amsterdam Avenue

Overheard by: Jess McGins

She Has Wretched Refuse on Her Wish List

Chick: Why doesn’t anyone give monuments as gifts anymore?
Teen boy: …Ha, ha, ha!
Chick: No, you know what I mean, like the Statue of Liberty.
Teen boy: Wouldn’t it be great to blindfold someone, telling them you’ve got this great surprise for them, then take them to the Statue of Liberty, take the blindfold off and say: “It’s for you!”

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Chloe Amara

That Dude Was So Hung Up on Rome

Girl on cell: Well you know, when in Rome. Who said that, was it Jesus? I think it was Jesus.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Nathalie

He Who Makes Moby Look Like Schwarzenegger

Guy #1: Jesus Christ! Michael Stipe has a big fucking head.
Guy #2: I was thinking about walking up and talking to him, for the simple reason that I haven’t liked him for so many years.

–The Walter Reade Theater, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: El Cubano

Stupid Tourists: Epidemic or Illusion?

Girl: Excuse me, which of these trains goes to Manhattan?
Suit: Shut up.

–34th Street N/Q/R/W station

Southern woman: Oh! Are you a performer?
Chick: Yes, I’m studying acting and musical theater.
Southern woman: Wow! That’s so amazing! Maybe we’ll see you on Broadway one of these days! Good luck!
Chick: Thanks!

She leaves the train.

Southern woman: Yeah, right. Ha, ha, ha!

–1 train

Old man: Is that a theater?
Old woman: No, it’s a McDonalds.

–42nd between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Adam Grosswirth

I’m Considering Getting Out of Sales

Freezing passerby: It’s so cold! I wish they sold hot chocolate out here.
Yo-yo purveyor: Yeah… You wanna buy a yo-yo? Ah, that shit won’t keep you warm.

–Rockefeller Center

English Is Shaky, Too

Girl #1: I thought that sign said rape instead of rapaya.
Girl #2: It’s papaya, moron.
Girl #1: I don’t speak Spanish that well!

–32nd & 7th

Rick James is Spinning in His Grave

Guy: I said, “I hate to break it to you, but I’m straight.” And she said, “If you like girls, don’t introduce yourself as Jeremy. It’s a nice name.” And I said, “I’m not interested in girls like that. I like the superfreaks.”

–Belly, LES

Someone’s Got S-E-X on His Mind

Guy: You need a new mattress? Why not call 1-800-M-A-T-T-R-E-S?
Girl: Ha, ha! Nah.
Guy: Then there’s gotta be some local places. You should be able to get a mattress for $100.

–40th & 7th

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