Man: You know my name. What is my name?
Little girl: Daddy.
Man: Then why are you hitting me in the face?
–M14 bus
Man: You know my name. What is my name?
Little girl: Daddy.
Man: Then why are you hitting me in the face?
–M14 bus
Doorman #1: You know what I get to do with her? Besides cuddle, I mean. You know what I do?
Doorman #2: What?
Doorman #1: I get to expose my penis to her.
–43rd & 5th
Hobo: Hi. My name’s Lloyd. Most of you all know me by now. Yes, I’m still coaching basketball. I just wanted to say, have a happy holiday, and if you don’t have change–
Man: It’s happy Christmas, not happy holiday.
Hobo: You should know that some people don’t celebrate Christmas.
Man: Fuck ’em.
–N train
Woman: No thanks, the shoes just didn’t look good on me.
Salesguy: Thanks for trying.
Woman: Uh, you’re welcome?
–Steve Madden, East 86th Street
Overheard by: Lucy
Old man: Is this bench for young people or old people? Because I only sit with the young.
Woman: It’s for everyone.
Old man: Well, since it’s Christmastime, I’ll sit with you.
–Roosevelt Island station
Overheard by: Suriya
Man #1: You can tell she loves her son.
Man #2: Who?
Man #1: Mary.
Man #2: Mary who?
Man #1: There.
Man #2: …George, that’s a painting of Mary and Jesus. Of course she loves her son.
–The Met
Hobo: Jesus is our savior! Worship him, he’s done good things for us! He is the son of God!
Man: Sorry, what was that name again?
Hobo: Jesus! Jesus our savior!
Man: Oh, Jesus Christ?
Hobo: Yes, Jesus Christ.
Man: Oh, okay.
–A train
Guy: Somebody stole the baby Jesus! I’m appalled!
Hobo: Jesus isn’t born until Christmas.
–Houston & Sullivan
Conductor: If you see someone trying to steal from you, make a lot of noise, create a big scene, and I’m sure someone will come to your aid.
Man: Clearly this guy is not from New York. Maybe he’s from Utah or something.
–A train
The man was white, wearing a punk leather jacket and a beret like Saddam Hussein, and had a goatie. He stands up and says: I like Eminem ’cause he can talk his way out of trouble in the black neighborhoods. You’ve heard of oreos, black on the outside, white on the inside? Well I’m a chocolate chip cookie, and I’ll take a toll on
your house!
Man: Uzis are made in Israel but in the hands of blacks on the street. Go figure. Why don’t they do a study about how that happens at NYU, aka NYJew!
Man: Wake the fuck up, America! France pronounces its words better than us, even in their rap music!
Man: Why don’t they play flutes at the orchestra? It’s just a bunch of bam bam bam…Might as well be at a AC/DC concert. ‘Cause they’re afraid it’s too gay! You know in Germany they call it the “queer-flute,”; I used to play flute and I ain’t no fuckin’ queer. Now I just keep my flute in a box, and I’m not making a dirty joke and no, I don’t play the skin flute!
–A train
Overheard by: Dave Smith
Man: Is this where we get off?
–Times Square shuttle
Man: You dropped something.
Teen girl: What?
Man: You dropped something.
Teen girl: No, I didn’t.
Man: Yeah, you did…You dropped my heart.
Teen girl: Well, pick it up and put it back in.
–90th between Columbus & Amsterdam
Guy #1: Yo man! You look smart…You know what language that is?
Man: English.
Guy #1: Ha, ha! Yo man, I was jus’ playin’ wit you! But for real, you know this one?
Man: Italian.
Guy #2: Whoa.
Guy #1: What about this one?
Man: German…French…Korean…
Guy #1: Dude, that’s sick…that’s genius. What do they call that? Polyner or something?
Man: A polyglot. Polaner is jam.
–2 train
Overheard by: Mikey
