Men

The man was white, wearing a punk leather jacket and a beret like Saddam Hussein, and had a goatie. He stands up and says: I like Eminem ’cause he can talk his way out of trouble in the black neighborhoods. You’ve heard of oreos, black on the outside, white on the inside? Well I’m a chocolate chip cookie, and I’ll take a toll on
your house
!

Man: Uzis are made in Israel but in the hands of blacks on the street. Go figure. Why don’t they do a study about how that happens at NYU, aka NYJew!

Man: Wake the fuck up, America! France pronounces its words better than us, even in their rap music!

Man: Why don’t they play flutes at the orchestra? It’s just a bunch of bam bam bam…Might as well be at a AC/DC concert. ‘Cause they’re afraid it’s too gay! You know in Germany they call it the “queer-flute,”; I used to play flute and I ain’t no fuckin’ queer. Now I just keep my flute in a box, and I’m not making a dirty joke and no, I don’t play the skin flute!

–A train

Overheard by: Dave Smith

Man: Is this where we get off?

–Times Square shuttle

Man: You dropped something.
Teen girl: What?
Man: You dropped something.
Teen girl: No, I didn’t.
Man: Yeah, you did…You dropped my heart.
Teen girl: Well, pick it up and put it back in.

–90th between Columbus & Amsterdam

Guy #1: Yo man! You look smart…You know what language that is?
Man: English.
Guy #1: Ha, ha! Yo man, I was jus’ playin’ wit you! But for real, you know this one?
Man: Italian.
Guy #2: Whoa.
Guy #1: What about this one?
Man: German…French…Korean…
Guy #1: Dude, that’s sick…that’s genius. What do they call that? Polyner or something?
Man: A polyglot. Polaner is jam.

–2 train

Overheard by: Mikey

Man: You still have sex with your ex-husband?
Woman: He paid me!

–Rudy’s, 9th Avenue

Woman: Oh shit. Today’s the 25th anniversary of John Lennon’s death. He was so hot back then, yo. I was seven when he died, and now I’m pushing forty. But I still look damn good, yo.
Man: Was he a Beatle?

–6 train

Overheard by: alan cross

Guy #1: Where’s DeShawn at?
Guy #2: Nigga’s probably fucking that bitch from Saturday night, that nigga is a pimp.
Guy #3: Nah dude, he’s at play practice.

–6 train

Guy: …And she had the nerve; she didn’t even ask me to be her friend. She just sent me her profile!
Chick: Omigod, you should so send her a frowny.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: djlindee

Conductor: Chambers Street-World Trade Center will be the next and last stop on this train.
Man: Can’t be next and last stop. Either it’s the next stop or the last stop!

–E train

Overheard by: Alan H.

Lady lawyer: Hey, what animal year are you?
Boy attorney #1: The monkey, I think.
Boy attorney #2: Dude, chimpanzees freak me out after seeing Outbreak.
Boy attorney #1: That was a monkey, not a chimpanzee.
Lady lawyer: The thing I don’t like about monkeys is their butts.

–Office, East 45th Street