Movies

Wednesday One-Liners Are Potty Trained

Girl on cell: What? What do you mean? What do you mean your audition is gonna be in a bathroom?

–42nd and 10th

Overheard by: dk

Hurrying lady: …and a urinal cake is worth fifteen points.

–43rd & 8th

Overheard by: Casper

Gay usher, loudly: Sex just isn’t the same when you’re constipated.

–Daryl Roth Theatre, Union Square

Hipster girl: So I just said to him, “Bye, I have to go now. I have diarrhea!”…Diarrhea is like the anti-aphrodisiac.

–Brooklyn bound F train

Woman on cell: Did you just say that you had a dream where Gene Wilder peed in your closet? Like, Willy Wonka, pissing on your clothes? Okay, I just wanted to make sure I heard correctly.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: baffled

Dude: Nah, I wouldn’t piss on someone if I didn’t know them.

–Bar, Queens

Man, to woman having trouble with the bathroom door: Oh come on, you fucking cunt, work the damn door. Big fucking place like this, they got only one bathroom, I am fucking pissing on the floor. I will piss on the damn floor. That’s my fucking right as an American. I’m a patriot. Patriot, that’s an adverb. An action adverb. Mrs. Riegell told me in third grade if you have a syllable you’ve got an adverb, and I got a damn syllable, so damnit, I’m pissing on the fucking floor.

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

You’ve Got to Go Down to Aquaman Before You Even Find a Black Villain

In line for opening night show of Superman Returns.

Passerby: What’s this line for?
Black dude: Man, everybody wants to see Supercracker.

–4th Ave, between 13th and 14th

Overheard by: Potomac

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Afraid of Any 666

Old guy on cell: I don’t know, thinking about going to the movies. Maybe I’ll see The Devil in Miss Prada.

–Mcburney YMCA, W 14th St

Girl: Yeah I sold my soul to the devil. I was like, “Hey, devil, can I sell you my soul?” And he was like, “Okay.”

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Natasha

Queer: And, futhermore, we all know that the Devil does not wear Prada. He wears flame-retardant knock-offs from Target.

–Chelsea

This Gives Gandalf’s ‘Is It Secret? Is It Safe?’ a Whole New Meaning

Chick: If I could sleep with any of the hobbits, it would have to be Frodo.
Guy: What?! Frodo is a total fudge packer.
Chick: Please don’t call him that!
Queer: Especially in front of a fudge packer!

–Barnes & Noble, 54th & 3rd

Overheard by: Willowee

Mel Gibson’s Guide to Alienating Hollywood While Making 100 Million Dollars

Med student #1: Some people say that The Passion of The Christ doesn’t follow the book.
Med student #2: What book?

–122nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Khalilah

What Would Wednesday One-Liners Do?

Teen boy: So I was watching one of those independent channels, and I saw this weird movie called Jesus Christ Superstar. Have you heard of it? It’s from the 70’s, so the camera work is really bad, but it’s not in black and white or anything. The best part is that Herod is all big and fat and he sings this funny song, like, “You’re the king of the Jews!” It’s a pretty funny movie. You know, except they, like, kill Jesus at the end.

–Q train

Overheard by: A White Bear

Girl: You know, I don’t think Jesus ever asked Mary Magdalene to kiss his balls.

–1849 Bar, Bleecker St

Drunk guy: Jesus saved me already, you fucking cunt!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: braincurve

Chick: Whatever. I could’ve annihilated Jesus at beer pong.

–Trump Building, Wall St

Overheard by: You know who

Girl on cell: Listen, the only ass I kiss is Jesus Christ. Got that?

–Key Food, 235th St

Overheard by: Miriam

‘Weird Jedis’ Is Like ‘Gay Queers’ or ‘Bored Security Officers’

Out-of-breath Star Wars fan: Hey, do you know where the 3 pm light saber fight will take place?
Bored security officer: I dunno, but it should be over there. That’s where all the weird Jedis are hanging out.

–Big Apple Comic Book Convention, Penn Plaza Pavilion

Overheard by: PoisonIvy

If I Were Adam Sandler I Would Have Asked Satan for My Soul Back Circa Mr. Deeds

Man: Wow, you’re here already? That was quick.
Woman: Yeah, if I was Adam Sandler I would have said, “That was click!”

–West 44th St

Overheard by: Tomer Langberg

How Hollywood Hurts Our Youth

Kid on stool: Mom, can I jump off and be Naaaaaaacho?
Mom: You already broke your arm. You can’t be Nacho right now.

–Duane Reade, 96th & Broadway

If She Remembers Thundercats, It’s Time for Assisted Living

Girl: I can’t believe they’re making a live action Transformers movie.
Guy: Whatever, I will definitely go see it.
Girl: Are you even old enough to remember Transformers?
Guy: Of course, I’m only three years younger than you.
Girl: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you were old enough to be conscious of Transformers. My brothers are your age and they don’t remember the show that well.
Guy: You do realize every time you ask me that it doesn’t make me seem young, right? It just makes you seem old.

–26th & Madison

Overheard by: DL

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