On the Subway

I’m Thankful for My Health

Girl #1: Oh no, I can feel my pulse in my neck!
Girl #2: You can always feel your pulse in your neck, douchebag.
Girl #1: No, but it’s, like, really strong.

–Washington Square Park

Bag lady: I have osteoporosis.
Hobo: Ostoprognosis? Is that serious?
Bag lady: Well, I might die from it. It makes you boneless. I have no bones. Like a Perdue chicken.
Hobo: So it turns you into a skeleton!

–2 train

Guy: I wish I could turn my fat into gold.

–18th & 5th

Overheard by: basselope

Old cashier lady: Sixteen years ago they gave me 72 hours to live. I only have three arteries in my heart.
Old customer lady: How many are you supposed to have?
Old cashier lady: Four.
Old customer lady: Oh. That’s not that bad…

–Stop and Shop, Astoria

Overheard by: Dan

Watch Where He Swipes That Card

Drunk girl: This fucking MetroCard doesn’t work?
Sober guy #1: The train is about to come, what’s taking you so long, bitch?
Drunk girl: Excuse me cute guy, can you help me?
Sober guy #2: Of course.
Drunk girl: You see, asshole? The cute guy helped me; I’m going to fuck him tonight.

–1st Avenue station

Let’s Find a Frontier for Her to Settle On

Man: I mean, the fact is, it’s going to be very hard for you to find someone who fulfills your specific needs.
Woman: Yeah, I know.
Man: I mean, what you’re looking for, it’s like beyond brains. You want a man who understands auras and energy. I mean, face it, there’s not another guy on this whole car who gets that.
Woman: Mm-hmm.
Man: You know, you’re a good candidate for just settling.

–G train

Diagnosis: Dipsy Doodles Dementia

Teen boy #1: So the other day I was watching TV and I said out loud, “Fuck, I wish I didn’t just eat all those Doritos.” And then I was like, “Wait, I didn’t just eat any Doritos.” And now I’m like, “Maybe I had one wish and I blew it on Doritos.” You know?
Teen boy #2: Damn, dawg. That sucks.

–D train

I Too Thought They Were Some Sort of Reptile

Hobo: Hi, My name is Sonny Page, I’m homeless and I’m hungry. If you don’t have it I understand ’cause I don’t have it. But if you could spare some money, food, a sandwich, I would really appreciate it.
Guy: Aw. Fuck, didn’t I give you change this morning? You’re still hungry?

–F train

She Wants Someone to Share Her Bowl

Little girl: You know who has a weird name?
Mom: You mean an unusual name?
Little girl: Yes. The librarian. Her name is Constance.
Mom: Oh, that’s an old name, like yours: Sadie.
Little girl: But they’re bringing it back. I hear a lot of people in the park say, “Come, Sadie!” Especially to golden retrievers. That’s why I’m begging you to get me a dog.

–D train

That Also Applies to Pills

Girl #1: Whoa, there’s a 7 train?
Girl #2: Yeah!
Girl #2: It’s purple, we have to take it!

–6 train

Overheard by: eliza tulip

Little Kids Speak Fist Better Than English

Toddler boy: Wah! I want Mommy!
Babysitter chick: I want you to shut the fuck up.

–L train

Overheard by: RAZE ONE

iDiot

Girl #1: Um, excuse me? Excuse me?…Excuse me, I need to get out here…Excuse me, I need to get out here.
Girl #2: Don’t fucking push me!
Girl #1: I said “excuse me,” you stupid fucking bitch! And by the way, your music sucks!

–L train

Overheard by: Lilit

She Thinks “Hyphenate” Means Buttsex

Girl #1: She wouldn’t even take his name?
Girl #2: And she even refused to hyphenate? That’s ridiculous.

–6 train

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