Fat kid: Can we take the elevator?
Dad: No, Charlie, come up the stairs.
Fat kid: But this is IMPOSSIBLE!
Dad: No, it isn’t impossible. Now move up the stairs.
–Subway, Bryant Park
Overheard by: Rita
Fat kid: Can we take the elevator?
Dad: No, Charlie, come up the stairs.
Fat kid: But this is IMPOSSIBLE!
Dad: No, it isn’t impossible. Now move up the stairs.
–Subway, Bryant Park
Overheard by: Rita
Woman #1: I couldn’t be a housewife. I need to get out of the house.
Woman #2: I get out… I go to Wal-Mart.
–Port Authority
20-Something chick: Yeah, well that was when I used to get drunk with his mother.
–176th St between Audubon & Amsterdam
Overheard by: sj
Drunk girl: I always end up with the ones with mommy issues. Like, does it look like I’m lactating, motherfucker? Didn’t think so.
–Park Slope
Tween boy: Well, my mom was lactating at the time, so I just drank that.
–7th Ave & 5th St, Park Slope
Professor: Mothers are not uncommon in families. Grandmothers don’t count because they’re not sexual threats.
–Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Construction worker: Yeah, I fucked her and her mom. I know, Ma, I’ll call her back.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Tom
Woman on cell: You need to calm the fuck down. Calm down. You need to calm the fuck down! Bullets do not have names. Mama said that. You be runnin’ around with the crips, with the gangs. You gonna get your ass shot. You listen to me: you need to calm the fuck down!
–Metro-North
Overheard by: MojoSaves
Girl: But, Mom, I can’t trust you if you don’t like me!
–Starbucks, 75th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ali
Guy #1: Yeah, I got a lot of responsibilities being a single dad. I got three kids… I have a lot of responsibilities taking care of them. I see them every three weeks in Buffalo.
Guy #2: Yeah.
–63rd & 1st
Overheard by: Mr. Rictus
Woman #1: I know he be my baby’s daddy.
Woman #2: Yeah? How?
Woman #1: They be lookin’ the same. He got no teeth and my baby ain’t got no teeth eitha’.
–6 train, Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: lauren
Yuppie woman #1: I just couldn’t believe it. Just because I give my child everything he wants and asks for, she has the nerve to tell me that I’m giving my son a sense of entitlement.
Yuppie woman #2: I can’t believe she said that.
Yuppie woman #1: Yeah. The nerve!
–Downtown 2 train, Fulton St
Ghetto chick: They got some shit out there called Purple Motherfucker.
Ghetto guy: Yeah, I know about that. I don’t like to talk about that shit, though.
Ghetto chick: That shit so good, make me wanna curse my momma an’ shit!
–A train, between 125th & 145th
Overheard by: Deckard
CD vendor: Hey, baby, you like hip hop? C’mon, baby, it’s good. C’mon, I never shot nobody. Well, there was that one time, but baby, c’mon.
–Outside Virgin Megastore, Times Square
Security guard: Yeah, if some guy came in, I’d be the first one on the ground, screaming,”Oh shit, he got a gun!” I’d be screaming like a baby.
–Grocery store, Astoria
Man, excitedly holding up infant to the fence: Look, baby! It’s Ground Zero!
–Ground Zero
Overheard by: Rich Weksberg
Guy: I feel shaken like a baby being taken care of by a British woman!
–Chinatown bus
Overheard by: CG
Man on cell: Baby, butter that thang up ’cause I’m coming home.
–E 65th & Central Park
Guy: If I’m going to see pictures of someone pooping, I’d rather it be a baby…Or a kitten.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: B&T Bus Rider
Woman to dog: You can’t go in there. You want to be on TV, baby? You want to be a big TV star?
–ABC Building entrance, 66th & CPW
Overheard by: ABC employee who’s not on tv
Fashionista: I’m not ready for a rich man.
–East Village
Woman: Yeah, he’s got money. Like, when Michael Jackson tried to buy the Elephant Man? That kind of money. Giraffe money!
–Uptown 6 train
3-Year-Old: My daddy makes a lot of money so my mommy and me can live the life we want to live.
–Playground, DUMBO
Overheard by: grimrosary
Salesperson: Yeah, so he was like, “That’s what it means to be rich. I can buy whatever makes me and my fiancé happy. I can buy her all the Harry Potter memorabilia that she wants.”
–Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway
Overheard by: LSB
Wall-Street-Intern chick: So, if the weather is bad here in the Hamptons I may just fly to California or South Beach for the weekend. Hopefully nobody at work will need me because I may have to get a flight on Friday morning. You know, I have to do what’s fiscally feasible for me…and by “me”, I mean my parents.
–D train
Overheard by: I hope she reads this, and then dies…
Male customer to deli worker: Do you know where can I get a fake Rolex with counterfeit money?
–19th & 6th
Overheard by: Hobo Hank
Little girl, talking for a teddy bear with a stocking over its head, to another teddy bear: Give me all your money!
–Goodwill
Father: Look at that sign. What do you think mela means?
Son: I don’t know.
Father: Look at the picture.
Son: Oh, apple! So it’s, like, an Applebee’s?
–Little Italy
