Sex

Tales from Wednesday One-Liners’ Crypt

Man on cell: What are you, some sort of reverse vampire?

–C train

Dude: And there were unicorns exploding in the background… or at least doing whatever it is unicorns do.

–Live Bait, 23rd St

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chick: You kind of look like a vampire in this picture. But a cool vampire! Like, if you were in The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland would totally want to have sex with you.

–55th & 6th

Overheard by: wants to have sex with Kiefer Sutherland

Drunk hobo chuckling: You people look depressed! I know how to cheer you up. I’ll sing my favorite song! ‘Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead…’ [Looks around] Hmmm… [Notices the train going express] What the…? I need a new mathematician! I need a new mathematician!

–6 train making express stops on a surprise basis

Overheard by: Barry Negrin

Sax-wielding hobo: I am an alien! From outer space! Not from Mexico!

–L train

Overheard by: Alex P. Keaton

Ricky’s employee: Looks like I’m all out in the fairy department.

–58th & Broadway

Mom: Johnny, put down the sword. Vampires don’t use weapons. Their teeth are their weapons.

–Halloween shop, 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

And Once You Try It a Few Dozen Times on ‘The Sims,’ You’ll Be Ready to Try It in Real Life, Little Camper

Ladies’ man #1: So just bang her out, then.
Ladies’ man #2: After what she did to me, I don’t think I can just give that to her.
Ladies’ man #1: The man always has the upper hand — you should just bang her out and then call her the next day and be like, ‘Hey, do you have any cute friends you could hook me up with?’ You know, make her feel like shit.

–Uptown A train

Overheard by: JD

Let’s Do It Like They Do on the Discovery Channel

Court officer #1: I saw this show on Animal Planet last night. There’s this fish called a cichlid — the female takes her eggs in her mouth and then she nibbles the male’s fin until he shoots sperm into her mouth and then she swallows it to fertilize her eggs.
Court officer #2: Where can I get one of these cichlids?

–Livingston & Smith, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

And They Say Romance Is Dead

Queer #1: I can’t believe he did that.
Queer #2: What? If you wanted me to pee on you, I would. That’s how much I love you.

–Greenwich Ave & Perry

Overheard by: John

Probably a ‘Small Load’ Joke on the Way

Suit #1: So we’re getting really into it, and all of a sudden her roommate walks in and acts all normal, like nothing’s going on!
Suit #2: What do you mean?
Suit #1: They started having a fucking conversation! About the laundry!
Suit #2: Shit.
Suit #1: And I’m like, ‘Uhhh, lady, I’m in the middle of dicking this broad — can you stop talking about fucking dirty socks for a minute?’

–N train

Overheard by: Roger

After Five Minutes of Me, You Are Going to Want to Change the Channel

Hispanic male hospital worker: You know what women hate? When men take forever and a day to finish. Let’s say the average woman likes five minutes of sex, but he keeps going and going and thirty minutes later she’s thinking, ‘Hey, let’s watch TV.’
Indian virgin hospital worker: We only like it for five minutes?

–Starbucks, 17th & 1st

She Was One of the People on the Laugh Track in Natural Born Killers

Hipster chick: Do you think New Yorkers are mean, or are we just so jaded we’re not fazed by anything?
Hipster dude: I think it’s a combination of both.
Hipster chick: Because, well, my friend just found out he has testicular cancer, and he’s getting one of his balls removed on his birthday. And I thought that was hilarious. You know what else? Maybe New Yorkers are also whores — I seriously considered sleeping with him just so I could say I was the last person to see his left ball.
Hipster dude: That’s a bit soulless. But it’s also a little funny.
Hipster chick: See, really, if you think about it in the right way, everything is funny.
Hobo: You’re just a mean whore.

–Bedford & 6th St

Overheard by: Overheard in New York is based on that very concept

‘Cause Hair Is Very Important to Me

Guy #1: Yo, you know that girl Maria?
Guy #2: Which one, the one with the fucked-up eyes or the one with the fucked-up hair?
Guy #1: The one with the fucked-up bug eye.
Guy #2: What about her? Did you fuck her?
Guy #1: That’s right, I fucked her. Boom, boom!

–Uptown 6 train

We May Have to Put It to Sleep

Ghetto boy #1: My boy ain’t getting no pussy. No pussy at all.
Ghetto boy #2: And the pussy that he is getting is sick pussy!

–Broadway & Lafayette St

Funny how ‘Bitch’ Is Worse than Mother Sex

Hobo: Fuck you, you shits, you fucking assholes. I’m going to fucking kill you! Fuck you! Fuck you bitches! Fuck you and your mothers!
Queer #1: Oh no. No you did not just call me a bitch. You crazy homeless fuck.
Queer # 2: Mhm, get sassy on this bitch. Bitch deserves to be homeless. He should just shut his mouth and keep it movin’.

–Sheridan Square

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