Cashier: That comes out to $5.50.
[Man hands cashier a $5 with a hole in it.]Cashier: Uh, do you have anything better? You know without a hole in it?
Man: Naw, I got mad at it so I shot it.
Cashier: Ah, totally understandable.

–McDonald’s, Bronx

Teen thug #1: This weekend, I’m goin’ huntin’.
Teen thug #2: You goin’ kill Bambi?
Teen thug #1: Yeahhh, I’ll shoot that nigga!

–Staten Island Projects

Drunk girl: I think he uses his cancer to be cute.

–Bourgeois Pig, MacDougal St

Freak show barker: I hate cute ventriloquism.

–Outside Coney Island Freak Show

Overheard by: Miss Carrie

Girl, about three-year-old nearby: He’s so cute, I want to kidnap him!

–PATH train

Woman: … And then he pulled out a gun and threatened to kill me. It was so cute.

–Ruby Foo’s, 49th & 8th

Overheard by: Heather

Man to toddler girl: That’s what politicians do. They try to look cute.

–Smith & Union, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Little boy: I saw Bambi at Adam’s house, and did you know that Bambi’s mother died?
Black nanny: I didn’t know that. How did she die?
Little boy: She was shot.
Black nanny: Damn. That’s some Compton shit right there.

–83rd & Broadway

Overheard by: flower and thumper were strapped

Young mom to daughter: Rock, paper, scissors means rock, paper, scissors — no guns!

–R train, City Hall

Guy on cell: Where are you? It sounds noisy… Where? Oh, Magnolia… Well, just shoot them all before they breed more little cupcake-eating fuckers.

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Barker for "Shoot the Freak" carnival game, to biking couple: Hey! You with the bikes! You support alternative modes of transportation, but do you support shooting people in the freakin’ head?! Step right up!

–Coney Island

Hipster on cell: You just hate me… No, ‘Get shotgun for raccoon’ was first on your errands list, and you ignored it!

–N train

Crazy substitute calculus professor: You cannot square infinity. Anyone who tries to square infinity will be shot. That’s a promise.

–NYU Silver Center

Little boy: Daddy, Daddy! Look at the cars! Shoot the cars!
Dad, making finger-gun: Bang, bang, bang, bang!

–12th & 4th

Overheard by: NYU girl

Tree-hugger #1: So, this dumb girl didn’t even know what the ACLU was…
Tree-hugger #2: Did you take her outside and shoot her?

–33rd & 5th

Girl on first date: I love animals.
Guy on first date: I love animals, too, but I see a snake and I’ll shoot it in the face.

–Union Square

Young man to lady: So, Anthony told me you got machine gun titties…?

–42nd St station

Overheard by: interested

Crazy lady waving cane at laughing skateboarder: That’s right! Run for your life, motherfucker! I’m on a hunt! And you’re the prey!

–Outside Barnes & Noble, Astor Pl

Overheard by: Sputnik5

Ghetto chick: … And then I got caught on a gun charge because my boyfriend pistol-whipped me when I was pregnant and I took the gun and chased him down the street with it. And you know that drug bust in far Rockaway last year? That shit was me! Haha… And my lawyer got me five years probation and now jail time — he took care of me, ya know? And he was a Jew… You know them Jews — all into they money and shit.

–E train

Little boy on scooter: I believe I can fly! I just got shot by the FBI!

–Lex & Broadway

Man, about freestyling partner: He was like the Mexican version of 50 Cent, ‘cept his name was 537 pesos, and he don’t need no gun — all he gots is his burrito and a hot dog.

–D train, from Coney Island

Overheard by: jennievil

High school girl to her friend: If she didn’t show up for the shooting, she is not going to show up for the bomb scare.

–F train

Crazy black guy: Yeah, man. You gotta get ’em while you far away so they don’t know who you is! Just pop! Gone.
Hobo: Yeah!
Crazy black guy: Man, I’d love to kill a man from far away!
Hobo: Haha!

–23rd & Park Ave South

Overheard by: lady v