Hipster #1: Mom said since he’s had an erection for that long, they need to chop it off.
Hipster #2: That’s stupid. Why do they need to chop off his penis?
Hipster #1: It doesn’t matter — I think iguanas have two.
Hipster #2: Couldn’t they just jerk him off?
–Mandate of Heaven, 347 Grand St
Man waiting for The Color Purple: We’re the only white people here.
Fellow whitey: No, there’s a white family in line right there with a guy videotaping.
–Outside CBS store
Little girl after dropping lollipop: Shit!
Mother: Madison!
Little girl: What? It’s not like I said ‘fuck’!
–Dylan’s Candy Bar
Girl to man who held door for her: Thank you.
Man: I love you.
Girl to friend: Nobody in New York has any respect anymore.
–Barnes & Noble, 82nd St
Overheard by: Elise C-K
Chinese customer: Hey, do you work here?
Chinese salesman: Yes.
Chinese customer: Okay, are you guys going to have the PlayStation Three when it comes out?
Chinese salesman: It comes out November 17th.
Chinese customer: I know — are you guys going to have it?
Chinese salesman: It comes out November 17th.
Chinese customer: Okay… I know that. Are you guys going to sell it?
Chinese salesman: I don’t know if we have pre-orders.
Chinese customer: So, are you going to sell it on November 17th?
Chinese salesman: Yes, yes, we sell on November 17th — first come, first serve.
Chinese customer walks away mumbling: Damn, man, learn some English.
–J&R Music, City Hall
Overheard by: Hugh
Young woman: Hi, I am looking for a good bronzer powder. Can you help me?
Employee: I don’t know, I don’t have your skin color.
–Sephora
Headline by: TM
Runners-Up:
· “Here’s a box of crayons, be creative!” – Steve
· “Neither do I, that’s what the bronzer’s for.” – Dave
· “Or an IQ over 64………” – Cooter
· “The customer is always irrelevant” – Janet E.
· “Why training videos aren’t made on Fridays anymore” – so pale
· “Zombies are so hard to work with” – TP
Girl #1: So, how was it at his house?
Girl #2: It was fine until he kept…
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: Well, he kept begging me to try it, and I was like, ‘Listen, I’ll do any other kinky thing you want, but I think that is just gross!’ And then he went and got the garden hose anyway…
–Victoria’s Secret, Herald Square
Girl looking at GRE study guide: I’m not very smart. I took a practice test the other day and didn’t do good.
Friend: ‘Well.’ You didn’t do well.
Girl: No, it’s ‘good.’ A person is ‘well’ — like, ‘I’m doing well,’ but a person can’t do something well, they do it good.
Friend: You’re wrong.
Girl: No, that’s how it is.
–Barnes & Noble, 5th Ave
Salesgirl: Hey. Wow, you look really bad!
Salesguy: Gee, thanks.
Salesgirl: It’s just that your eyes are all bloodshot. And your skin is kind of grey.
Salesguy: Oh, that.
–American Apparel, Broadway
Girl #1: Oh my god, I just thought of something so cool!
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Women are like magicians!
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: They pull bunnies out of hats, and we can pull babies out of our vaginas!
Girl #2: Wow, you’re so smart!
Girl #1: I know, right?
–Apple Store
