Stupidity

Smells Like Wednesday One-liners

Girl: Don’t walk me behind me, I’m about to fart.

–Times Square station

Girl: God, it smells like an armpit farted in here.

–Rififi, E. 11th Street

Overheard by: Miso

Guy on cell: Baby, baby, please, listen, I just, I’m almost there, c’mon, I’m comin’ up on your building now, baby, don’t be like that! Look out the window and you’ll see me! Shit, you can smell me, baby.

–12th & D

Fratboy: My shorts smell like a little boy’s balls.

–Coney Island beach

Overheard by: Alissa

Woman: Just so you know, it smells like someone urinated in there.

–Banana Republic, 16th & 5th

Overheard by: beth wren

Don’t Worry, It Didn’t Notice

Chick: Oh my God! I forgot I was in New York!

–Astor Place

Darwin: “See?”

Ghetto-fabulous girl standing at crosswalk while cars whiz by: Why ain't we crossin'?
(friend points to cars)
Girl: Oh.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: erkala

What’s That? You Have a Bomb?

Tourist girl to friend: Oh my god, people are totally going to know we’re from Boston when they hear our accents!
Guy sweeping cigarette butts: No, people are going to know you’re from Boston when they hear you freak out and call the bomb squad over one of our electronic ads.

–49th & 9th

Overheard by: guy who dropped a couple of the cigarette butts

What About Ankle Socks?

Neighbor #1: Do you have any socks?
Neighbor #2: Knee socks? Or any socks?
Neighbor #1: Do you have any socks?
Neighbor #2: No.
Neighbor #1: Do you have knee socks?
Neighbor #2: No.

–Wagner College Dorms, Staten Island

Those Sorority Chicks Are Real Skeletons

Girl: I haven’t talked to her since she left for college. How is she?
Guy: I don’t know, man…I haven’t heard from her either, so I guess she’s just, like, decaying or whatever.

–80th & East End

Overheard by: Anne O.

Worst. Money Laundering Front. Ever.

Girl: Can I buy a frilly hairband, please?
Man, behind counter: How many?
Girl: One.
Man: We no have.
Girl: What's this, then? (picks up frilly hairband)
Man, looking dumb: A frilly hairband.
Girl: Exactly, so can I buy it?
Man: No.
Girl: Why not?
Man: We no have.

–Claire's Accessories

Overheard by: Kirsty Smith

Looks Like A Hack Just Got One Year Older

Guy: Happy Birthday!
Woman in Bday hat: Happy Birthday? I’m old enough to be your fucking mother. Wait, how the fuck old are you?
Guy: 30.
Woman: OK, maybe not, but old enough to be your father’s younger sister’s kid’s mother.

–outside Comic Strip Live, UES

This Wednesday One-liners is Going Local

Conductor: I get paid whether this train moves or not. We can sit here all day, or if you want to go somewhere, stand clear of the doors.

–B train

Overheard by: Captain Obvious

Conductor: If you are carrying a knapsack or large bag, please consider being searched by the police.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Kelly Wittman

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please do not contribute to panhandlers. Panhandling on the subway is illegal, and is also against the law.

–R train

Conductor: …we are told the delay is indefinite…for future reference “indefinite” does not mean the train won’t leave at all. So all those people that just got off the train and went upstairs to wait, are still waiting! And you’re on your way!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ziggy Stardust

It Must Be a Good One, Look at All the People Going In!

Tourist mother: Where do you guys want to eat?
Tourist child: I don’t know.
Tourist father pointing to flashing subway entrance: Look, there’s a Subway, we can eat there!

–42nd & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Jen Chick

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