Suit #1: She had a fat ass with a big skank mark.
Suit #2: A what?
Suit #1: One of those skanky over-the-ass tattoos.
Woman next to them, irritated: That’s called a goddess tattoo.
Suit #1: Goddess of what? Ass fucking?
Suit #2: A Greek goddess! [He and Suit #1 laugh.]Suit #3, to woman: Sorry about these guys. Can I buy you a drink?
–Iguana Bar
Drunk girl sitting on empty, closed newsstand: Look boys! I’m news!
Suit passerby: Daily or weekly?
–16th & 5th
Lady suit: Man, I love cheese. You know what I wish I had? A pillow made of cheese. That way I can eat cheese when I’m awake and when I sleep. I can, like, chew on my pillow and I’ll truly be eating cheese 24/7. Wouldn’t that be amazing?
Male suit: Mmm, yes.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: drew roddy
Suit to hobo holding sign reading ‘End apartheid in South Africa now!’: They already ended apartheid in South Africa. They also freed Nelson Mandela.
Hobo: Shit, nigga, I gots to get me some CNN or some shit.
–Midtown
Overheard by: History Buff
Suit #1: When I dine out I like to enjoy my meal — savor the good food and wine — without any distractions.
Suit #2: Oh, alright, but I thought you’d make an exception for ninjas.
–Water & Broad St
Hobo: My, you are dressed sharp.
Suit: Thanks. [Hands him a dollar.]Hobo: You so sharp, I’m afraid to touch you ’cause I’ll get cut! You know, ladies love the sharp-dressed men!
–Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Lady Who Loves Him
Suit on cell: Yeah, it was definitely a fucking adventure alright… I feel like fucking Harry Potter.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Nina
Angry suit on cell: I don’t say anything derogatory! If I did, I would say some things about you and your husband! You don’t scare me!
–36th, between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: K-Flex
Suit: You know me — I always try to be a professional and a gentleman… until I’m in a trivia contest.
–26th & Park
Suit on cell: I have to go down to DC for a horse race… Actually, it’s Northern Virginia, so I’m thinking while I’m down there I’m going to stop by the Lincoln Memorial. Is that the place where everyone protests? I think I’ll stop by there and make a speech, then maybe I’ll take a shit on Capital Hill.
–2nd St & Ave A
Overheard by: Amandax
Suit: A practical joker? Isn’t that just called a felon?
–Office, Park Ave
Concerned suit to large, inflatable chicken: Hello? Hello? Is there someone in there? Can you hear me? Hello?
–45th & 3rd
Young Indian suit to another: You know, I don’t do shit anymore… All I do now is have sex and play with my Slinky.
–Bryant Park
Overheard by: Lerka
Suit #1: She’s smart, funny, beautiful… What more could you ask for?
Suit #2: Yeah, but she probably votes. I don’t like women that vote.
–Union Station
Overheard by: Jacksonian Democracy
Young hipster: Remember that guy you used to work with — Carl?
Young suit: Yeah, I always hated that guy.
Young hipster: I saw him the other night, and he was telling me he was going to get ‘Hopeless romantic’ tattooed on his knuckles. I was like, ‘Dude, you cheated on your girlfriend and you have a pending rape case — maybe you shouldn’t get that tattoo.’
–N train
British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.
–1 train
Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!
–Bronx Science engineering class
Overheard by: LSB
Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?
–41st & Broadway
Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.
–1 train
Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.
–Mulberry St
Overheard by: Ashley
Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: still recovering
Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Oh My God
