Substitute teacher: How do you spell ‘attendance’?
Student: Oh, why? Are you doing a crossword puzzle?
Substitute teacher: I’m taking attendance; what the fuck do you think I’m doing?
–Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Never Missed a Class
Substitute teacher: How do you spell ‘attendance’?
Student: Oh, why? Are you doing a crossword puzzle?
Substitute teacher: I’m taking attendance; what the fuck do you think I’m doing?
–Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Never Missed a Class
Student: I don’t know why, but I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and maybe you could, like, help me out and clear this up or whatever. So, what about death and stuff?
Philosophy professor: That’s a great segue…
–NYU
Teacher: If you were convicted of murder, who would you send to ride to the king to get a pardon?
Student: A rider.
Teacher: Can you spell that? Do you mean a ‘writer’?
Student: R-I-D-E-R — someone who is good with horses.
Teacher: So what is important is his sportsmanship?
Student: Maybe a servant? A friend of the king?
Teacher: What is one of the oldest professions?
Student: A prostitute?
Teacher: A lawyer!
–New York Law School
Teacher: Do you know who the Evangelists were?
Student: Weren’t they, like, God’s bitches?
–Parson’s Art History class
Professor: How many hours between eight o’clock and ten o’clock?
Student: Three!
Professor: No, between eight and ten.
Student: Eight, nine, ten. Three.
–Tisch Hall, NYU
Overheard by: Cait O’Connor
Girl: Is this a real rock, or was it, like, grown in a laboratory?
Professor: It’s real.
–Barnard University
Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!
–Brooklyn bound F train
Overheard by: PoisonIvy
Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin’ good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!
–1 train
Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs…
–1 train
Overheard by: sara n.
Woman on cell: I can’t believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!
–18th & Park
Overheard by: edward
Vendor: What if they test it and find that it’s from his ear?!
–Wooster & Broome
Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It’s called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there’s a market for them.
–Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I’m on the street. I can’t hear–Oh, tilted! That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry.
–23rd & 6th
Thug boy: Yo, nigga, why you wearin’ a tie? You gotta go to court?
Teacher: No.
Thug girl: I bet you gotsta go to a funeral. Somebody got kilt, right?
Teacher: No, I just thought I would wear a tie for my first day. I’m a new teacher here.
Thug guy: Yeah, no shit you new, dressin’ like the fuckin’ president or some shit. You gonna get your dumb ass jumped.
Teacher: For dressing nicely?
Thug girl: Stupid ass white people don’t know shit about livin’ in New York.
–Franklin K Lane HS, Brooklyn
Overheard by: jeff lebowski
Teacher: It just seems the longer I teach, the dumber these kids get.
–1 train
Overheard by: Soon To Be A Teacher
Girl: Do you ever think about us? Like, how many more of us there are than of you?
Professor guy: Of course. That’s why I always pack heat.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Jeff
