Compare/Contrast

Wednesday One-Liners for Congress

Trendy Asian girl on cell: So, Max came over last night and we were in the kitchen, and he lifted me up onto the counter and was like, ‘I am gonna fuck you so hard,’ and I was like, ‘Whoa, oh my god!’ But I couldn’t go through with it. So he walked over to the fridge, opened it up, and put his head inside and started, like, banging his head against the wall. I know, can you believe that?

–LIRR

Overheard by: Emily Leatrice

Hipster: I’d feel more comfortable in a sex club than going on a date.

–Penn Station

Hot chick on cell: Yes! Yes! O-M-G! We are sooo going to have a sex-a-thon! Get the girls together, my place, tonight! [To gawking passengers] Sex and the City -athon. Fucking perverts. W-T-F.

–N train

Overheard by: not invited

Teacher: Every time you put a penis into a vagina you’re risking sex.

–Health Class, LaGuardia HS

Overheard by: mf

Girl: I heard two people having really loud sex on my floor last night. It was either gay guys or Asians, I couldn’t tell.

–Cafeteria, Manhattan School of Music

Overheard by: Christiana Little

Fat suit: He made me watch while he fucked some girl, so I’m gonna make him watch while I fuck some guy!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Glad I wasn’t the other guy…

20-ish chick: What? I fornicate all the time, and I’ve never been arrested!

–Subway station

Overheard by: subwayrider

It Was the Giving Birth Kind

Actor #1: It wasn’t like sex vagina, it was more like–
Actor #2: –There’s more than one kind?

–Epiphany

But without the Licensing Deal with Kenner

Dude #1: … And it had this sort of feeling like the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Dude #2: What’s the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
Dude #1: It’s, ummm… The Rocky Hor— Hmmm. It’s, ummm… It’s just like Star Wars but for transvestites.

–10th St, between 5th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Eli… NYU design dude

Wednesday One-Liners Are Pissed at Michael Richards

Clueless white lady: Oh, I wanted to see this Dave Chappelle’s Black Party— I mean, uh…

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

White guy: I didn’t call him a monkey because he was black, I called him a monkey because he’s a fucking retard.

–Washington Square North

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Little Dominican boy to teacher: How come only black people get to be Indians?

–Plains Indians exhibit, Museum of Natural History

Old white lady trips over middle-aged white guy’s luggage: You’re just as bad as the black people!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: trying to get out of the way

Black guy to white guy in giant afro wig: Yeah, I wish I could be black.

–St. Mark’s Pl

Wednesday One-Liners Are Up to $7.50 a Pack

Pilot on intercom: This is a non-smoking flight. Please do not smoke until… ever. Smoking is bad for you.

–American Airlines flight

Ghetto mom to lady with cigarette: Bitch, you just ashed on my baby!

–Outside Times Square Toys ‘R’ Us

Overheard by: trying not to ash on the stroller myself

Professor arguing with student: I’m just giving you a hard time. I accidentally bought the low-dose Nicotine gum, and it’s just not cutting it.

–100 Washington Sq East

Little girl: Mommy, you know how it’s cool to wear black? Maybe having black lungs is cool, too!

–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport

Conductor: As a reminder, there is no smoking allowed in the train restrooms. We know who you are.

–Amtrak Acela approaching Penn Station

Overheard by: wasn’t me

Red-faced white guy: Augh! I was just so mad at him! I couldn’t take it anymore. I hate that guy so much! I want to bust him in his face and take all his teeth. I’d grind ’em up and smoke them. Smoke his teeth right there in front of him.

–PATH, 9th St

Overheard by: Zenana

Chick: I think I’m going to take up smoking in order to make friends.

–Christopher & Bleecker

ObGyn: Nothing Up My Sleeve…

Girl #1: Oh my god, I just thought of something so cool!
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Women are like magicians!
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: They pull bunnies out of hats, and we can pull babies out of our vaginas!
Girl #2: Wow, you’re so smart!
Girl #1: I know, right?

–Apple Store

Read My Mind, and I’ll Punish You If You’re Wrong

Professor pointing at a slide of Andy Warhol’s Elvis and one of a giant mountain: Can anyone tell me what the similarities and differences of these two images are?
Student #1: The Warhol print is completely commercial, while the mountain is very natural.
Professor: Yes, that’s one way to see them. Anyone else?
Student #2: One’s a big rock, and one’s the king of rock.
Professor: I think we can all go home now.

–NYU

Overheard by: Addison

Sure He Shits in a Box and Pukes on the Rug, but That’s Predictable

Woman #1: I just come home to problems.
Woman #2: I come home to everything nice.
Woman #1: No, I just have problems. It’s always problems with him!
Woman #2: My cat is just right there, and he’s always fine and doesn’t complain, and that’s why I just love having a cat instead.

–Pine St & William St

Overheard by: why i don’t have a cat

He’s a Mildly Obnoxious Bootlegger

Girl #1: So, I met a boy this weekend who isn’t an asshole drug dealer, for a change.
Girl #2: But he’s a drug dealer?
Girl #1: Who isn’t?
Girl #2: Um… me?
Girl #1: No. He’s not a drug dealer.
Girl #2: Oh! I thought you meant he’s a drug dealer, just not an asshole one.

–23rd St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Jackattack

Steal This Wednesday One-Liner!

Teacher, after taking pencil from a student as part of a demonstration: Man, I just love stealing stuff from you kids!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Ghetto teen looking at chick hiding her iPod: Don’t worry, I’m not gonna steal that shit. She thinks I’m gonna steal that shit. I should just steal that shit to spite her. Shit.

–B1 bus

Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl

Nerdy kid answering cell: Hello? Hello?! Hello! What?! No! No, I didn’t steal Max’s wallet! No!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Now deaf in my right ear

Guy selling watches on street: Come on, everyone, you need a watch. The best in the city, stolen from all your favorite warehouses.

–53rd & 7th

Man to lady: You lyin’, stealin’, your feet stink, and you don’t believe in Jesus.

–Target, Atlantic Center

Guy to girlfriend: …So I had to steal from them so that I could protect them.

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

Professor: Stealing is good, okay? Plagiarism is bad, but stealing is very, very good.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Lili

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