Compare/Contrast

Yeah, What Are Those? Last Year’s Blahniks?

Calm mom to five-year-old: Please don’t lick your shoe.
Five-year-old: Mommy, can you wipe my mouth out?
Mommy: No, sweetie. We can’t wipe things out of our mouths. Honey, we don’t lick the bottoms of our shoes. It’s simply not the way we go about doing things. Do you understand that it’s not Mommy being mean? Look around. Do you see any other children’s mommies letting them lick their shoes? No, you don’t, because children who lick their shoes get sick and die.
Other five-year-old: I don’t lick my shoes!

–Murray & W Broadway

The TV in Intensive Care Is Terrible

Sophomore #1: So yeah, my week off was really interesting. What about yours?
Sophomore #2: Boring. My brother fell off a balcony.

–Notra Dame Academy, Staten Island

Overheard by: The junior at the next table

Mental Note: Make This Girl Love Me

Chick #1: A guy’s penis size is directly proportional to how much you like them.
Chick #2: So true! When I really liked Josh I said it was kind of small. Now that I’m over him it’s practically a vagina.

–Starbucks, Morningside Heights

Wednesday One-Liners Like to Be Close When They Kill

Dude: I miss my machete.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Ash

Guy: For his 21st birthday I’m buying him a samurai sword. For his wedding I’m gonna buy him a giant samurai sword!

–Tower Records, W 4th St

Overheard by: Not a samurai

Little kid: It’s chainsaw time!

–New Jersey Transit train

Overheard by: DrewDrewDrew

Frizzy woman on cell: I mean, c’mon — it’s not like it was a knife, bitch, it was just scissors!

–37th & 5th

Overheard by: K

We Now Present This Public Service Announcement

Dude #1: So, why did you break up with her?
Dude #2: Because she got herpes.
Dude #1: What?! You gave it to her!
Dude #2: Yeah, I know, but it’s different — herpes is gross with girls. It’s like a battle wound for guys, though.

–Slipper Room

Outlaw Wednesday One-Liners

Thug to tourist taking picture: Yeah, bitch, I’m in your picture! I’m in your picture! Put it on MySpace, bitch!

–W 34th & 7th

Overheard by: nisey79

Thug to friend: Nigga, it’s hard to explain… It looked… like a decorated cosine curve!

–110th & Lenox

Overheard by: Curly Ku

Thugette to thug boyfriend: This ain’t Valentine’s Day. You slap me I’ll slap you back!

–Bronx-bound D train

Overheard by: Krissss

Thug to his baby, after carrying her stroller down the subway steps: Woo-hah, I got you all in check.

–6 train station, 59th St

Overheard by: Jackie

Thug: Shit. Jimmy Hoffa’s lucky he don’t gotta pay taxes.

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: In debt on the F train

Thug: That thang was so big you could put a whole paragraph on it!

–6 train

Like a Girl with a Really Cute Boys’ Haircut

Mom: … But it was hopeless. But I was stuck there, like a little Dutch boy with my finger in a dike for two hours.
Daughter: Huh? Like, a girl?

–Basement of the MoMA

I Wonder If She’d Be Soft to Sit On

Rider #1: Damn, this bike seat is uncomfortable.
Rider #2: Damn, that VS model is hot.
Rider #1: Shit, my yoddle feels like it’s skewered like a lamb chop.
Rider #2: I wonder if she’ll agree to be my next wife…

–42nd & 6th

This Has Been Another Presentation of Alternate Histories

Man #1: Think about it, though — all great men have a great woman supporting them, giving them confidence, encouraging them. No matter what happens, they know she will be there when they get home at night.
Man #2: Yeah. Imagine if Coretta Scott King had been a nag and laid it on him when he got home at night — Dr. King, with all that shit he was dealing with, would’ve been like, ‘Hell no, I’m movin’ to Cali!’
Man #1: For reals!

–R train

March of the Penguins Affects Everyone Differently

NYU student #1: Ew! That movie was like porn!
NYU student #2: I don’t know why we watched that in class!
NYU student #3: Disgusting!

–Outside lecture hall, Silver Center

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