Compare/Contrast

Quick Draw Wednesday One-Liners

Young man to lady: So, Anthony told me you got machine gun titties…?

–42nd St station

Overheard by: interested

Crazy lady waving cane at laughing skateboarder: That’s right! Run for your life, motherfucker! I’m on a hunt! And you’re the prey!

–Outside Barnes & Noble, Astor Pl

Overheard by: Sputnik5

Ghetto chick: … And then I got caught on a gun charge because my boyfriend pistol-whipped me when I was pregnant and I took the gun and chased him down the street with it. And you know that drug bust in far Rockaway last year? That shit was me! Haha… And my lawyer got me five years probation and now jail time — he took care of me, ya know? And he was a Jew… You know them Jews — all into they money and shit.

–E train

Little boy on scooter: I believe I can fly! I just got shot by the FBI!

–Lex & Broadway

Man, about freestyling partner: He was like the Mexican version of 50 Cent, ‘cept his name was 537 pesos, and he don’t need no gun — all he gots is his burrito and a hot dog.

–D train, from Coney Island

Overheard by: jennievil

High school girl to her friend: If she didn’t show up for the shooting, she is not going to show up for the bomb scare.

–F train

One Wednesday One-Liner to Live

Lady on cell: … And now I find out that I’m living a double life.

–Waverly & 6th

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

Fake blonde: Just get it. You only live once a year.

–Food Emporium

Overheard by: jason

Conductor: Because of construction this train will be making express stops. The MTA reminds all passengers that to better serve our customers construction will be going on for the rest of your lives.

–F train, Jay St/Borough Hall

Overheard by: Robert

Man to teary-eyed daughter: What’s not important? A camel. What is important? Our lives.

–Starbucks, 42nd St

Overheard by: burnsides

Little Wednesday One-Liners Have Big Ears

Three-year-old girl on cell, walking with nanny: I will… I will, I will! Hey, don’t give me a hard time!

–54th & Lex

Little Dominican boy: … Because back in the day, people had names like Washington and York and Downtown.

–Social Studies class, PS 8, Brooklyn

Young child: Mommy, can you feel my forehead? I think I have AIDS.

–Prince St

Overheard by: Alaina

Small, weeping boy to mother pushing smaller kid in stroller: No! No! It’s not necessary! Every time I say you hurt my feelings, you say it right back to me! It’s not necessary!

–73rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Shrieking four-year-old: French fries! [Angry mother glares straight ahead and keeps on walking, gripping child’s hand.] You know what’s wrong with you? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with you. You don’t give me enough French fries!

–Waverly & 6th

Overheard by: Marisa

Little girl to mom: Shit is the same thing as sex, right?

–Garden of Eden, Brooklyn Heights

The Teacher Will Now Call on the Sleeping Kid in the Back

Boy trying to get teacher to call on him: Oh my god, I have a really good point to make!
Girl, just as eager: Shut up! Mine is better!

–Hunter College High

A Tranny in the Clam Is Worth Two in the Tush

Artsy 30-something #1: I remember this one photograph — this beautiful transsexual Latino in a clam like the Venus de Milo.
Artsy 30-something #2: Yes, I actually helped organize that picture.
Artsy 30-something #1: Oh, really? How was she?
Artsy 30-something #2: Beautiful. She lactated.
Artsy 30-something #1: Nice.

–Tea & Sympathy

Overheard by: No milk in my tea, thanks….

Headline by: bri b

Runners-Up:

· “HeShe’s a Lactina.” – Amanda Lee

· “Out of her penis.” – Kate

· “Wait until you see my menstrating Pieta” – Sean McGurr

· “We named it Penis de Milko” – Erez Schatz


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Wanna See Where Ross and Rachel Did It

Seven-year-old ghetto kid: This is the Earth, yo!

–Earth Science Hall, Museum of Natural History

Dad to seven-year-old son: If you’re gonna steal somethin’, you gotta steal somethin’ you can sell.

–Museum of Natural History gift shop

Overheard by: rufus

Cowboy squinting at museum pamphlet with wife and kids: The Big… Bang? What’s that?

–Museum of Natural History

Child passing the Australopithecus couple: Look, Ma! It’s like you and Dad on your honeymoon!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Dottie

Employee: Welcome to the Hayden Planetarium. Please turn off your cell phones, digital cameras, and small children.

–Museum of Natural History

Mother: Stop screaming! They can’t hear you!

–Museum of Natural History

Well, What Have You Got That’s Motorboatable?

Chick: Oh my god, Ali. You totally motorboated me at the bar last night!
Ali: And then you showed your tits to everyone, you whore.
Chick: Yeah, but I got a free shot.
Ali: And I do enjoy seeing your tits…
Ali’s boyfriend: Is it weird that you like her tits more than me?

–Metro North out of Fordham

And Then They Go Home with You

Eager, straight-ish hipster dude to posse: We could ask gay guys which one of us they think is cuter…
Cute hipster friend: No, I always win that game.

–Pyramid, Ave A, between 6th & 7th St

Overheard by: Dan

Let’s Review Those Photos Again

15-year-old girl #1 tapping cigarette box: I totally think that these make me look classy. A person with a box of cigarettes just looks classy.
15-year-old girl #2, giggling: Yeah, I don’t know what he’s talking about. Cigarettes look way better in a mouth than a penis.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Stereotype or caricature

Yeah, What Are Those? Last Year’s Blahniks?

Calm mom to five-year-old: Please don’t lick your shoe.
Five-year-old: Mommy, can you wipe my mouth out?
Mommy: No, sweetie. We can’t wipe things out of our mouths. Honey, we don’t lick the bottoms of our shoes. It’s simply not the way we go about doing things. Do you understand that it’s not Mommy being mean? Look around. Do you see any other children’s mommies letting them lick their shoes? No, you don’t, because children who lick their shoes get sick and die.
Other five-year-old: I don’t lick my shoes!

–Murray & W Broadway

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