Crazies

Passion of the Wednesday One-Liners

Man: ‘Cause I’m like, ‘Seven a.m. is too fuckin’ early for Jesus — too fuckin’ early.’

–Union Square station

Overheard by: DM Cook

Caribbean woman pacing back and forth on crowded subway: Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, Jesus is coming! Jesus is on the number two train tonight! Repent! Repent! Jesus is coming and he’s on the number two train tonight. Repent for your sins! Jesus died for you — for men, women, lesbians, gays…

–Uptown 2 train from 72nd St

Overheard by: pimnana

Drunk student: So, she said that Jesus loves you and died for your sins and made the Statue of Liberty disappear, or something.

–Uptown 2 train from 66th St

Overheard by: Avatarded

Homeless man on subway speaker: I am the lord, Jesus Christ. He is everywhere, including on this train… Give Jesus money and food or else hell will come down. [As police approach] Fuck off the lord, nigga.

–1 train, 168th St

Girl to friend: You know what? You need Jesus. You need Jesus!

–John Jay College

Overheard by: Scott

Woman successfully holding many paper towel rolls in hands and an open umbrella between her chin and shoulder: I am Jesus now.

–109 & Broadway

Overheard by: trying to stay dry

Elizabeth Taylor’s Going through a Dry Spell

Crazy old woman: I’ll be back soon. Are you married?
Newsstand guy: Uh… No, I have not married.
Crazy old woman: Would you mind marrying me?
Newsstand guy: Uh… I have not married.

–92nd & Broadway

Overheard by: he was pretty attractive

A Fellini Film

Hobo to unconscious friend: Yo man, let’s get some coke! I don’t be playing, let’s get some coke! [Two minutes later] Psssh, ain’t no such thing as a good kid. All them fucked up. Yo man, you look like Barry White. Anyone ever tell you that? [No response.] Stupid. [Reaches into his plastic bag and pulls out a clown mask which he puts over his face.]

–LIRR waiting area

Overheard by: pretending my train just arrived

No, Although We Do Have a Slight Anxiety About Whackjobs Trying to Electrocute Us in Elevators

Lady carrying box: What brings you to the city?
British woman: We’re here looking at schools.
Lady carrying box: Well, are you concerned about electromagnetic fields?

–New Yorker Hotel elevator

Overheard by: Alyssa

So…I can Forget About the Alamo?

Crazy man: Did you hear about the tweezers?!
Boy: Ummm… what?
Crazy man: The tweezers! They’re good. They’re better for your moustache. They help you take the hair out. They’re so much better.
Boy: Ok, thank you.
Crazy man: You’re welcome. Remember! The tweezers!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Sam

From the Trailer for Disney/Pixar’s Ratatouille

Woman: You know how those animal people are, though. I mean, I speak to them, though! I’ve done pigeon rescues and stuff before. I love animals.
Man: Did you ever bury your rats?
Woman: No… I just can’t bring myself to do it.
Man: How long has it been? Three years?
Woman: Yeah. They’re still in my freezer.
Man: Just bury them already!
Woman: I can’t bring myself to do it! They were my favorite!
Man: But they’re IN YOUR FREEZER! Why not have them stuffed, then?
Woman: What? No! That would be wacky!

–A train, 207th St

Overheard by: Auston McLain

How Are They Wearing Orange Cheese in Paris These Days?

Customer: You got anything for a model in here? My niece is a model, and I gotta get her something for her birthday!
Salesgirl: Yes, ma’am, we have some dresses over here.
Customer: ‘Cause she’s a model, and I gotta get her something… [holding up a scarf] is this good for a model?
Salesgirl: Well, yes, do you think she’d like those colors?
Customer: Oh, I don’t know! Who knows what these models want anyway! Do you have a knife?
Salesgirl: What?
Customer: A knife! A knife! So I can cut this open! [Produces large block of orange cheese from her coat]Salesgirl: Um, ma’am, there’s no eating in the store.
Customer: I know that! I’m not gonna eat it! I just want to open it! Jesus!
Salesgirl: Let me get my manager.

–Pookie and Sebastian, 36th & 3rd

Overheard by: Jenna Blackburn

I Think It Was the Poop Fights That Brought Me Back from the Brink

Redhead: When I was dying, I had a thing with monkeys.
Ponytail: Really? Monkeys?
Redhead: Yeah… they were everywhere!

–New Amici’s, 187th St, the Bronx

They’re Caught in the Doors

Conductor on loudspeaker: Release the doors. Release the doors now!

Crazy guy, screaming: Release my nuts on your face!

–Queens bound E train

Overheard by: I hope its not my face

The Wheels on the Wednesday-One Liners Go Round and Round

Bus driver: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, I have an idea: the next stop is going to be Las Vegas! Vegas, y’all! Get out those cell phones and start calling your husbands and wives. Tell ’em you won’t be home tonight. Vegas!

–M103 bus

Overheard by: Tina

Bus driver: Everyone, please move to the back of the bus…Come on, people. I’m speaking English here. Move to the back of the bus so these people can get on. There’s nothing wrong with the back of the bus. It’s not scary. There are no monsters back there. You won’t get hurt. So please move back.

–Q12 bus, Main Street, Flushing

Overheard by: Jo

Bus driver: This is Westchester Ave. Here you can transfer to the 9 and the…uh…I don’t even remember. Hey, you back there! You look like Charles Bronson! You ever heard that?…Whateva. You know you look like Charles Bronson. And the world needs another Charles Bronson.

–Bx40 bus, E Tremont Ave

Overheard by: vegannramember

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