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Old Jewish lady: How are you today?
Old Jewish man: If I sold ice cream, I’d be great. If I sold ice cream in Central Park, that would be perfect. But me? I sell chickens in Bedford.

–8th St & Bedford Ave

Older boy: We are selling wrapping paper to raise money for our trip. You can buy a roll for two bucks.
Younger boy: But you can go to the store and buy that paper for one dollar.
Older boy: Why you hatin’?! Why you hatin’?!

–42nd & 6th

Overheard by: John B

Chatty, obnoxious girl #1: My last relationship was a disaster. He just didn't treat me well. He was very disrespectful. How is your man doing?
Chatty, obnoxious girl #2: I don't know. He says he loves me, takes me out all the time, is always calling and paying for everything. He even writes me long romantic notes and spends time with me whenever he can. It's just kind of lame, you know? I just told him I loved him to shut him up.

–E Train

Overheard by: Xander

Middle-aged woman, dressed like a pre-teen: I’m not really sure how it happened but I think I ended up drunk and half-naked on the 5th floor of Macy’s.
Teenage daughter: Really?
Middle-aged woman: Maybe it was the 6th floor. Shoot, and that was gonna be a good story to tell Jeannie.

–Q Train

Overheard by: Nikki

Younger kid: Damn, look at all the puddles of water in here.
Older kid: Look like hurricane Katrina hit this bitch.
(younger kid laughs)
Older kid: Niggas from New Orleans swimmin in the water and shit.

–Macy’s Bathroom

Overheard by: Anon

Hippie to doorman: I know this is a weird question, but is there an office in this building called “Planet Hemp”?
Doorman: Nah man, sorry. (under his breath, as hippie turns and walks away) I fucking wish there was.

–23rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Wanna get High?

Gangsta #1: … And then these bitches…
Gangsta #2: Wo-men. Nigga, they’re women!

–26th & 8th

Good looking suit to lunch date: How about this–let's say that you and I are equally attractive. Now let's say that on any given day we each see 1,000 people of the opposite sex (a lot more, obviously, but that's a good number). You, as a woman, could sleep with approximately 850 of them–that 1,000 is discounted by the 100 who are gay (10%, as they say), and the 50 who are faithful to their wives/girlfriends. Now for me–I see 1,000 women, but 850 is way too high a number for me–maybe, if I'm lucky, I could find a few skanks in the group willing to bang a guy they don't know. Aside from that, I'm looking at 2-3 dates, dinners, phone calls, all that shit. That's why it's easier for girls.
Date: Wow.
Good looking suit: It's simple math.
Date: You would only allow 50 faithfuls? Sheesh.
Good looking suit: Men are scum.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: wedding rings are for sissies

Hipster #1: I still can't tell the difference. What's the difference between the cool kids and the black kids?
Hipster #2: Duh. Black kids are black.

–McCarren Pool Party, Brooklyn

Overheard by: bill

Customer: Excuse me, there’s no toilet paper in the women’s room. [Cashier wordlessly pulls wad of napkins out of dispenser and hands them over.] There’s six of us waiting in line back there! [Cashier wordlessly pulls out another wad of napkins.] Lord, have mercy.

–McDonald’s Express, 125th & Lenox

Overheard by: Rich Mintz