Fashion

Larger, Lovelier Wednesday One-Liners

Fat lady elbowing her way onto train: Shit, they need to get some bigger subway cars.

–6 train, 28th St

Wife to hubby, after daughter got up from table: She still has a big ass and thighs, but she’s getting better.

–City Bakery, W 18th St

Overheard by: katherine

Man holding huge burger in small bun: Dude! This is like a fat man in spandex!

–Upper West Side

Blonde rubbing grouchy guy’s head: I’m sorry, baby, but you know how I get around fat people, and those two women were huge! Just disgusting!

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Ryan

Hobo: Anyone have a dollar? Anyone? I’m askin’ because all you ladies are beautiful. I don’t bother with ugly people or fat people! They just have problems. Their wife is cheating on them? It’s my fault! No, I just walk on by all those fat people.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Colleen

Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.

–Central Park

Real Men Don’t Care, Sweetie

Guy: I was in Vegas with my mother, and she was complaining that she was the only flat-chested girl in the city, but flat is totally in right now.
Girl: Flat’s been in since I was, like, thirteen.

–Macy’s

Overheard by: katieb

Permission Denied!

Short scene girl: I’m trying to bring back the bandanna. For sure. It makes me look like a bandit, no?
Tall scene girl: Oh, but of course. Myself, I’m trying to bring back the side pony.
Fat girl: How about the vest? Can I bring back the vest? Hmmm?
Other girls, in unison: Shut the fuck up.

–Whole Foods

Overheard by: Kelly

Why It’s So Hard for Us to Have No-Strings Sex

Confused girl: Why do you have strings coming out of your pants?
Boy: It’s a Jewish thing.

–LaGuardia High

Just Ditch the Nixon Mask and Quit Whining

Woman #1: Are we going skiing this winter?
Woman #2: I don’t think so. Why?
Woman #1: I have to get some casual clothes. I looked in my closet, and it’s so serious. You know, someone asked me if I was a Republican! I need to get some fun clothes.
Woman #2: Wow, we worry about such different things.
Woman #1: Well, that’s because no one ever thought you were a Republican.

–6 train

Overheard by: Nicole

Christenings Are Stressful Enough without Having to Worry about an Erect Priest

Biotech: Yeah, the last party she wore, like, lingerie and a coat.
Friend: She showed up mostly naked to a church?!
Biotech: So I told them ‘business casual’ this time.

–1 train, 86th & Broadway

Our Editorial Staff Begs to Differ

Cashier: Oh, is corduroy coming back into fashion?
Girl buying a pair of cord pants: Um, I don’t know.
Cashier: I don’t think it’s ever going to come back.

–TJMaxx, 6th Ave

Overheard by: champ

I Mean, He’s Wearing Bermuda Shorts and Knee Socks!

Black guy, popping white friend’s collar: Man, what’d I tell you about that?
White friend, putting it down: But I don’t want to.
Girl: Leave him alone — he ain’t ready for that yet.

–NYU Kimmel Building

Never Come Back Here Again, Mr. Simpson

Customer: Do you sell Lacoste here?
Sales associate: No, but they have a door right down on Spring Street.
Customer: How do I get there?
Sales associate: You go out our front door, make a right, and at the intersection make a left and the Lacoste store is right around the corner.
Customer: And they sell Lacoste there?

–Bloomingdales, Soho

But I’m Looking for Barnes & Noble

Hardhat: Sir, what are you looking for?
Guy: There’s a store on this street that sells toupées for old ladies’ cunts.

–E 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Cassie

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