Girls

What Would Anti-Semites Do without Wednesday One-Liners?

Modern orthodox girl: … And I was like, ‘Why should I be considerate? He doesn’t even keep kosher!’

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Considerate of non-shellfish eaters and shellfish eaters alike

Guy on cell: Well, I’m only Jewish by injection…

–82nd & Madison

Overheard by: I’m only Catholic because I took a pill…

Woman: I think I’m just too Jewish for yoga.

–Park Slope

20-ish girl on cell: I mean, Jesus Christ! The Jews in the RV just won’t leave me alone!

–St. Mark’s & Ave B

Overheard by: Also accosted by the mitzvah tank

Man on cell: How did I pull off that deal? I’m a Jew, and that means I have powers over money that a dumb goyim like you can only dream of. It’s like Jewish superhero powers. Just call me ‘Super Jew.’

–Near Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Lesbian Whisperer

Little boy: Uhhh, half New Yorkish and, uhhh, half Jewish — is that what I am, Mom? Half New Yorkish and half Jewish?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rosie

I Killed My Parents for the Same Reason

Older guy: This is classic Tupac before the gangsta rap.
High school girl: What you listenin’ to him for? He dead.

–31st & 7th

Headline by: Andrea

Runners-Up:
· “And Besides, His Grammar Is Sub-par” – Louis
· “John Edwards Radio: Dead Artists, Unfinished Buisness” – diana
· “My Anti-posthumousness Rule Also Applies to Literature. Shakespeare? Who Dat?” – Michelle
· “So? 3 Out Of 4 Americans Listen to That Jesus Guy!” – kh

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Tonight on Celebmentally-Ill Apprentice

Crazy guy: You know, there's a big sale going on, on stars. They're only $10,000.
Amused girl: Oh wow, that's cheap, I totally wish I had $10,000.
Crazy guy: Actually, I'm trying to put together a benefit for endangered animals.

–Union Square

Aren't You Supposed to Be Good at Math?

Drunk Asian girl: I was like totally supposed to be born on January 23, but was really born a week later, so like on January 30th. Then, a few years later, my sister was born on January 22. She like stole my birthday!
Gay guy: What a bitch!
Drunk Asian girl: I know! I always thought she was older than me because of that!

–Downtown A Train

I Meant to Say “No Homo“

Girl, to crowd of friends: Bye, you guys!
Friends: Bye!
Guy friend: Oh, and sorry about that whole “no Holocaust” thing. I was drunk… *really* drunk.

–Broadway & Waverly Place

Overheard by: Hunter

Except It's a Sidewalk and Not Our Microwave

Little girl: Mommy, mommy, look, that doggie is pee-peeing on the sidewalk!
Mom: Yeah, just like daddy last night.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: suzz

Wednesday Drunk-Liners

Tipsy, barefoot woman, lifting skirt in broad daylight: Gotta air out my coochie!

–W 88th St

Belligerent drunk woman: I've never even heard of these fucking stops! (later) Scarsdale! I don't even know how to spell "Scarsdale"! Other than…Scarsdale. (later) What the fuck is Hartsdale? Slap me across the face with a big dick!

–Metro-North Train

Drunk girl to friends sitting on a couch left on the sidewalk: Don't sit on that couch, it's probably covered in bodily urine!

–East Village

Overheard by: Herr Professor Doktor

Drunk wife to drunk husband during poker game: Don't you dare tell me about things that I don't understand!

–Poker Game, Astoria

Overheard by: NYCWATERBABY

Drunk girl: Bedford Avenue does not know how to find the clit!

–L Train

Well, Judging from the Barrel of Liquor Around Your Neck…

Girl #1: And then he said that when he sees people, he likes to picture what kind of dog they’d be. Apparently I’m a Golden Retriever, and he’s a German Shepherd, and those breeds just don’t mix.
Gril #2: That is fucking messed up.
Girl #1: I know! He is so delusional! And he would so not be a German Shepherd.
Girl #2: No. (long pause) I wonder what type I’d be.

–Starbucks, 103rd & Broadway

The Rabbit Never Dies, That’s Why

Guy: So, David was asking me about Second Life. I told him I was a giant pink bunny that has cyber sex with his mother.
Girl: You are sick.
Guy: Then I told him his mom’s avatar is a clown with an enlarged anal cavity. He still doesn’t see why anyone would pay a monthly fee for it.

–72nd St

Wait ’til He’s Strung Out and Call the Preacher — It’s That Simple!

Chick #1: Who am I kidding? I don’t even have anyone to marry.
Chick #2: That’s why you should come to Mona’s and meet a nice drug addict.

–Sbarro, 49th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ellen

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