Man #1: Hey, hey! Who do you think you are?
Woman #1: Excuse me?
Man #1: You! Get that bag off the seat!
Woman #2: Leave her alone.
Man #1: Shut up! She has her fucking bag on the seat! Nobody’s better than anyone else. We’re all people. She shouldn’t take up two fucking seats!
Man #2: Nobody wants to sit next to you, so you’re taking up two seats, too.
–A train
Tourist man: Use that postcard for Bill and Lisa*.
Tourist woman: Ugh, I’ll have to use my big writing.
–Starbucks
Bread vendor: Hey! Lady! Don’t touch the bread!
Old lady, squeezing bread: How am I gonna know if it’s fresh?
Bread vendor: I’ll give you fresh!
Old lady, hitting vendor with large purse in time to her speech: You. Know. What?! You’re. A. Dog! Nothing but a two-bit, Lower East Side dog! That’s what you are!
Bread vendor: Ahhh! [Old lady leaves.]
–Soho
Overheard by: Bulent Akman
Florist #1 (hanging up the phone) We just got a funeral.
Florist #2: Man or woman?
Florist #1: Man.
Florist #2: Goddammit! We have all these pink roses and nothing we can use them for!
Florist #1: We could always use them and hope that he was a flamer.
–Flower Shop, Greenwich Village
Man: Omigod! It is so cold! It’s so cold it’s like…It’s so cold I have nothing to compare it to!
–23rd & Park
Overheard by: Anthony
Hipster chick: So yeah, between the surgery, the funeral, the infestation, and getting laid off, it’s kinda been a shitty fortnight.
Butch chick: That’s a rough deal, man.
Hipster chick: The only comfort I have is that my mom likes her new boobs.
–Matt’s Grill
Chubby girl on cell: Hello?! I’m getting a tattoo! What I need to know is: right butt cheek or left butt cheek?
–Elevator, Sulzberger Hall, Barnard College
Lady in cubicle on phone about daughter: She went from looking like a boy to J-Lo in three months, so she’s very busy shaking her booty — it’s raw, exposed estrogen.
–Wall Street
Man, to group of other men as thin passerby ignores them: Damn! Don’t she know it’s illegal for a black chick to have no ass?!
–2nd Ave & 3rd St
Overheard by: Ohiowatha
Attractive teen: My ex-boyfriend used to tell me that I couldn’t talk about anything that had to do with my ass. He was, like, anal about it and would say all the time, ‘Don’t you talk about your ass, it’s going to completely turn me off — I don’t want to hear about it.’
–2 train
Overheard by: Talia
Man on cell: I remember — we just got my rear end replaced.
–University
Overheard by: Asinine
Chick on cell: Eeyore’s butt — where is it?!
–Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Man on cell: And she said, ‘You’re pretty cute for a garbage man,’ and then she grabbed my ass.
–Hell’s Kitchen
Overheard by: Kat
Girl #1: I hate my life! I need to go out there! Like drive to Hawaii!
Girl #2: You can't drive to Hawaii, you don't even have a license!
–Bedford & N 8th
Overheard by: Bklynguts
Teen girl: That’s why I fucking hate guys — ’cause they all suck cock!
Upset friend: Thank you! This is what I’m talking about!
–33rd & 6th
Overheard by: rory
Chick #1: Man, I wish Colin would stop saying he loves me.
Chick #2: Why, you don’t love him?
Chick #1: I care about him, but I don’t love him. I only love one person.
Chick #2: Who? God?
Chick #1: No — me.
–Park Plaza Diner, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Haley
