Guys

Tragedy Has Many Meanings

Teen girl: Wow, that’s so sad…
Woman: Yeah, they have no electricity, no water to drink, no food to eat, nothing.
Teen girl: Well, can’t they just boil the water on the ground and drink it? They say the city is flooded with like six feet of water.
Woman: No, honey, that water is way too contaminated to be boiled, and besides that, they don’t have electricity.
Teen girl: Oh that’s so sad. Where is that?

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Holly Percey

Woman: So, what is it you like about New Orleans?

–Becco, W. 46th Street

Chick: Apparently there will be another September 11th this month.

–65th & Lexington

Girl: Looks like you got a tan this weekend.
Guy: Yeah, I was out on my friend’s boat but we ran out of gas in the harbor so we were out on the water for a while.
Girl: You know, that was one thing I kept thinking about all weekend, how inflated the price of marine diesel fuel must be.
Guy: It wasn’t my boat so I really don’t know.

They get off the elevator.

Human being: You know, the one thing I kept thinking about all weekend was all the fucking dead people.

–Elevator, Madison & 49th

Overheard by: Captain Obvious

It Honors Unions By Putting the Entire US on Strike

Chick #1: What the fuck is Labor Day, anyway?
Chick #2: Just this American holiday.
Chick #1: I thought it was some Indian thing.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Reed B

That’s Kind of Implied for Guys

Girl #1: …so we are at this audition and they ask us to step out and say what we like to do in our spare time. So this guy steps out and says “discussing philosophy”. I mean, how pretentious can you get?
Girl #2: Well, what did you expect him to say? “Getting my dick sucked by total strangers”?

–68th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Betty Noir

Trying to Explain Why the Audience Laughed at Him

Dude: Look at those people there on the bench?
Chick: Which ones?
Dude: Those six people, all sitting there, all talking and animated and engaged with each other, each a representative of a different family of hair color. We totally just walked through their sitcom and we didn’t even know it.

–Washington Square Park

Wednesday One-liners Dress You Up

Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m wearing ahhh…a football jersey and Speedos.

–Houston & Allen

Overheard by: M!J

He’s So Obviously Some Murderer

Bag lady: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I have not had a meal in four days. If anyone can spare anything I would appreciate it…
Guy: Ma’am? Sit down here a second…Ma’am, these people may be fooled into compassion by your story, but I am not. I was out in the desert in Mexico once, just south of the Big Bend, and went eight days without a bite to eat. Out of pure desperation, on the ninth day I attacked a javelina with a sharp rock. I ate half of that pig raw before the thing quit kicking and died…
Woman: Good God!
Guy: Four days is nothing. If I see you again on the 2nd, and you’re up to seven days, I’ll take you out for a meal. I’ve taken up one minute of your time. Pro-rating a six-dollar-an-hour salary, that minute is worth ten cents. That’s before taxes of course, but I’m sure your accountant will sort all of that out for you. Good luck.

–6 train

Overheard by: BC Slais

Yes, It’s Called Tanning

Guy: Your dad has really cool sunglasses.
Girl: Yeah, they’re the kind that get darker when it gets light.
Guy: I knew a girl like that once.

–93rd & Park

You Know You’re a Hipster When Your Insults Are Retro

Girl: So what does that mean? I don’t know how to read him. And when he does all these sexual things for me and asks nothing in return, does that mean he loves me or that I will owe him in the future?
Guy: Cut it out already, bunny boiler!

–Hudson Hotel, West 58th Street

I Assure You, the Robocock is Clearly the Point

Guy #1: …So I say to him, “For the last time, give me back my robocock!”, ya know? He still has my robocock.
Guy #2: How long has he had it?
Guy #1: See, that’s not the point. He’s a bastard in retro clothing.

–7th & Bleecker

Overheard by: Deadboy

Wednesday One-liners, by Harvey Dent

Man: Table for two, non-smoking.

–Brooklyn Diner, W. 57th Street

Yuppie guy: See, it’s hard, because I see both sides of the argument, but I still don’t know who would win in a fight.

–Madison Square Park

Girl on phone: I didn’t like it when I was there…No, it was awful!…You’re taking him? So where’re you going?…An interview? How do you interview for a preschool? He’s 2.

–Office, 37th & Broadway

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