Headline Contest Winners

And Yet You Always Know Where the Nearest Bar Is

Stupid tourist girl: Where you heading?
Not-so-stupid tourist, pointing to Empire State Building: We're going there.
Stupid tourist girl: What's that?
Not-so-stupid tourist: Seriously? It's the Empire State Building.
Stupid tourist girl: How am I supposed to know? I've never been here before!

–E 14th St

Headline by: thirsy

Runners-Up:
· “Hey! There’s a Giant Drag Queen in the Harbor!” – Nick Pollotta
· “Now Tell Me About the Big Shiny Blue Thing in the East” – Nick Pollotta
· “That’s What You Said When We Went to the Bathroom” – BabakganoosH
· “Why Are All These Cars Yellow?” – pbump
· “Yet She Expects Me to Find the Clitoris” – joe
· “You Mean Earth, Right?” – aliensareamongus

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Rent sucks. Period.

20-ish girl #1: Ugh! I feel like total crap right now.
20-ish girl #2: Is it your time of the month?
20-ish girl #1: Yeah. I have to pay the rent.

–Grand Central

Headline by: J-oh

Runners-Up:
· “I Had to Sign in Blood.” – ewwww
· “It Costs a Lot to Have a Womb with a View” – Marv in DC
· “PM-Escrow” – jodles
· “Still Less Expensive Than a Nine-month Eviction.” – Ike
· “Why Rent When You Can Moan?” – JEE
· “With Money From My Menstrual Art” – Aku

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No Difference to a Lonely Hawaiian

Girl #1: I find it tart, too. Also kind of musky and a little sweet.
Girl #2: Mmm. Wait! Are you talking about pineapple or pussy?

–Washington Heights

Headline by: Jay B

Runners-Up:
· “A little bit of everything goes into an Orange Julius” – Mike
· “A normal conversation between two airport drug smugglers” – Scott
· “And Why is This Tasting Room So Crowded?” – Greg Costello
· “Can it be both?” – saltwater
· “Pussy! But not yours. Yours is nasty.” – Andy Adelewitz
· “Pussy.” – Ray
· “That’s why the Hawaiian word for pineapple is “poon”” – marcusj
· “The One with the Hole in the Middle” – DanC

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If These Balls Could Talk, They’d Say the Same Thing

Angry chick: I am so mad at you right now!
Boyfriend: Sorry, babe. It’s not my fault you’re still on your period.
Angry chick: I wasn’t talking to you, Jake*, I was talking to my ovaries.

–Morton St

Overheard by: these walls are paperthin

Headline by: Damo

Runners-Up:

· “I Apologize for Ovaryacting” – Katherine Duke

· “Quiet! We’re Trying to Decide Whether or Not We’re Going to Trap You into Marrying Us.” – Kara

· “The Whore Moans” – Stephanie L

· “You Could Always Get Rid of Them, and Earn 19 More Cents An Hour” – Kristen

· “You could have prevented this if you stopped wearing that damn condom.” – Josh H


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Jim Henson’s Charles Manson Babies!

Little boy stabbing balloon man with a balloon sword: Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Balloon man: Goodbye! Be good, everyone!
Little boy, still stabbing: Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Rick Felice

Headline by: Matthew

Runners-Up:

· “And if that doesn’t do it, I challenge you to water pistols at dawn!” – Cynthia

· “Except you, kid. You go fuck yourself.” – ImmaculatePizza

· “He Who Lives By The Balloon…” – Hobo Whisperer

· “You too, Brutus.” – Aeirlys


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Like my sister.

Man: I am concerned about breeding.
Friend: Breeding?!
Man: Yeah, you know — Jews are pretty inbred. I’m probably going to have kids with three fingers or something. I should have married someone into running — big and athletic.

–Central Park Reservoir

Headline by: Brooklyn Twang

Runners-Up:
· “But Jews Do Run. They Run Everything.” – Rottin’ in Denmark
· “Instead Of That Gimp Cousin Of Mine” – Uberjim
· “The E in EHarmony Stands for Eugenics” – quazarfreez
· “The Final Solution 2.0” – Scott Gresham
· “They’re Called Germans: But They May Not Be So Into That…” – Caitorade
· “You Know, Someone Who Could Win a “Master Race”” – Mike T

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It’s A World Of Laughter, A World Of Tears

Thirtysomething woman: You used to go to Disney World too? I LOVED that place.
Thirtysomething man: Yeah…What was the name of the part with the big carousel? You know, something Square…it was like the center of the park.
Thirtysomething woman: I don’t know…
Thirtysomething man: Tiananmen Square? Was that it?
Thirtysomething woman: Yeah! That sounds familiar..

–R train

Headline by: Pam


Runners-Up:
· “Match.com really does work!” – katie andrews
· “Even less fun than Euro Disney” – MattyQ



Honorable Mentions:
· “Little known fact: Mao Zedong had a season pass” – Colleen Kerney
· “Where the rides are worse then the lines” – Mark Manne
· “Yeah, that part was a riot” – Skepna
· “No, No, Universal is NEXT DOOR” – Katie
· “He looked it up on google.cn” – Ingwall
· “And people were dying to get in” – Melanie Mahoney
· “Mickey Mao’s Club” – Dave Barnette

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Today’s headline contest is being sponsored by HBO. The winner and runners-up* will all receive the complete Season 2 DVDs of Entourage.
Check out the season 3 premiere this Sunday, June 11th at 10pm!

(* Amended so that we could include more honorable mentions!)

It’s Not Reparations, But I’ll Take What I Can Get

Black guy: Yeah man! You could jump in the tracks right now!
White guy: Are you sure the subway Superman will appear?
Black guy: Trust me, I’m sure.

–W 4th St station

Overheard by: ron cabrera

Headline by: Earl

Runners-Up:

· “…like WMD sure… or Jesus sure?” – k swin

· “Able to convince morons in a single sentence” – Erin

· “Another Supporter of Urban Darwinism” – ToddS

· “He’ll show up in 15 minutes with a spatula and a bucket of bleach” – Rob

· “It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! Ah Fuck, It’s a Train.” – Justin

· “Kunta Kinte’s Revenge” – micah576

· “Malcom X’s Plan B” – Chris

· “That cold-death feeling just means he’s got you” – Leigh

· “Thinning the herd, Manhattan-style” – Tom Beckett


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I Killed My Parents for the Same Reason

Older guy: This is classic Tupac before the gangsta rap.
High school girl: What you listenin’ to him for? He dead.

–31st & 7th

Headline by: Andrea

Runners-Up:
· “And Besides, His Grammar Is Sub-par” – Louis
· “John Edwards Radio: Dead Artists, Unfinished Buisness” – diana
· “My Anti-posthumousness Rule Also Applies to Literature. Shakespeare? Who Dat?” – Michelle
· “So? 3 Out Of 4 Americans Listen to That Jesus Guy!” – kh

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…to Buy Chocolate and Alcohol

Granddaughter: I spy… Grandma… You have to listen…I spy with my little eye, something that helps adults.
Mother: Chocolate.
Grandmother: Alcohol.
Granddaughter: No! Bank of America!
Mother: That helps adults?

–7th & Broadway

Headline by: Botticus

Runners-Up:
· “…In THIS Economy?!” – Pablo & Pablo
· “I Slept Wth a Teller Once” – Yoli
· “If by Help, You Mean Fuck and by Adults, You Mean Shareholders…Then, Well Played” – cmm
· “Sure, That’s the Third Person They Helped Off the Floor & Gave a Tissue Too” – tatts
· “Well, Maybe Not Where YOU Go, but I Get Mani-Pedis Everytime I Go There” – Anthony

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