Hootchies

Wednesday-One-Liners Head to Pound Town

Drinking college co-ed: It was like, my brain shut off, and my genitals went ‘woo-hoo!’

–60th & Amsterdam

Guy on cell: Sorry, I couldn’t make it. I was tied up. Hopefully, next time it’ll be you.

–116th & Broadway

Gay black man to black woman: Girl, I know the perfect guy for you. He will beast fuck you. He will fuck you like a white girl.

–Greenwich & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Artie

Black guy: I’ll do the wheelbarrow on the first date, I don’t give a fuck!

–Downtown 6 train

Overheard by: biz

Girl in bathroom stall: How many guys can I sleep with in a week and not be a slut?

–Soundz Lounge, Lasalle St & Broadway

Girl: I wondered why you kept talking about pony play!

–Elevator, 168th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Peter Pecker

Well-dressed man on cellphone: He must have had a dildo in his pants, and she grabbed onto that. It’s the only way they could have worked it.

–La Giancoma, second intermission, Metropolitan Opera

Overheard by: Schroeder

Then I Remember: You’re Better Than TV

Blonde hoochie: You know, since that night, every time I wipe my tush I feel like my asshole got stretched.
Quiet brunette friend: … Sometimes I wonder how you became my friend.

–Starbucks, 51st & Broadway

Sing It, Beyonce!

Girl #1: He has no idea how good this pussy is.
Girl #2: He’s just taking your pussy for granted. You know what you need?
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: A new booty call.
Girl #1: I don’t have time for a new booty call. He just needs to learn how good my pussy is.

–The Riviera ladies’ room, W. 4th Street

Overheard by: Lela Justin

That's Not What My Junior High School Nurse Said!

Sleazy woman: You can stay over my place, and I'll blow ya and stuff, but would ya mind if we didn't screw? I'm still gettin' over a pregnancy.
Sleazier man: Well, it's not like contagious or anything…

–Night Club, Midtown

Like Squeezing a Stress Doll

Bouncer: Nice. Are those real?
Hottie: What do you think?
Bouncer: Can I check?
Hottie: You can poke at ’em, just don’t feel them up.

He does so.

Bouncer: You can tell that they’re fake.
Hottie: Well, they’re bigger than they used to be.

–Club Spirit, Chelsea

Overheard by: Johnny Envelope

Wednesday One-Liner Often Wonder How It Started To Be Spelled That Way

Girl: …well it stopped working 'cause it got cum in it.

–W 27th St

Chick: I'm starving. The only protein I've had all day is an accidental cum shot to the face earlier this morning.

–SoHo

Guy to friends: If y'all was to really write it down and make a… a food chain of all of who used to date who, and who's dating who now, I bet you y'all got all the same juices running up in y'all system.

–2 Train

Overheard by: Kosi

Passing guy on cell: All I'm saying is everyone should have control over where their sperm goes.

–7th Ave

Hoochie on cell : Because I manage to get very juicy.

–L Train

Drunk girl at restaurant holding a champagne bottle: Excuse me, sir, can you open this for me? I'm afraid it's going to cum everywhere.

–Kaleidoscope, E 10th St

College dude: I bet there's semen somewhere on this grass.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: Liz

Yeah, You Know Me

Hoochie #1: What the fuck comes first, “o” or “p”?
Hoochie #2: Um… (pause) “o”?

–1 Train

Overheard by: EthanK

She’s Going to Be Black and Blue If She Asks Her Pimp This Many Questions

Hooker: Hey, is that new guy black or white?
Intern: He’s albino.
Hooker: So, are people from Albania black or white?

–14th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: The Albino

Wednesday One-liners Get Paid for It

Girl on cell: No, I am a dirty whore, but I’m a law student; I’m a smart dirty whore.

–51st & 2nd

How Do You Even Get a Job As a Panty Inspector?

Chick #1: Are you done?
Chick #2: Almost. I just have to take off my panties.
Chick #1: What?
Chick #2: I have to take them off because if I go home with wet panties and my man sees, he’ll kill me.

–Bathroom, Providence Lounge, 57th & 6th

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