(guy gets up as train starts to move and begins rambling crazily)
Tourist girl: Stop it! You’re scaring me! (to parents) make him stop! (to him) Stop it! (to mom) I want to get off this train!
Tourist dad: Excuse me, you’re scaring my daughter.
Crazy guy: Am I scaring her?
–3 Train
Overheard by: Glad I only went one stop
Kid #1: You may as well go. What are you gonna do if you don’t, go home and jerk it?
Kid #2: That’s the plan!
Random black guy walking by: I hope that’s not the plan.
Kid #2 (looking embarrassed): Well… that’s a plan.
–Joralemon Street
Male retiree: Do you have any books by Stephen Hawking?
Librarian: By him or about him?
Male retiree: I don’t know. An easy one. Did you know he has two kids?
Librarian: No…
Male retiree: Yeah, I saw him on PBS last night, he’s, you know… And he has two kids!
Librarian: He must be proud.
–Brooklyn Library
Overzealous new mother to oblivious young infant: This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none.
Infant: Wahhhhh!!!!
Mother: No, no, no! It’s ok! That little piggy didn’t want roast beef! He was offered it but he turned it down. Maybe that little piggy is vegan! Yeah! Maybe he’s vegan! Don’t cry!
–NJ Transit
Father, to daughter with Disney princess backpack: And who kisses sleeping beauty?
Daughter: The prince.
Father: He was a pretty lucky guy then, right?
–New Wave Diner, 79th & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Girlfriend: I just don’t get it. Dan* can be such a nice guy, such a sweetheart. And then other times, he’s Satan. Something must have happened to him when he was a child.
Boyfriend: He’s from Long Island.
–Upper West Side
Overheard by: Not from Long Island
Middle school kid #1: Why do they call it “PMS”?
Middle school kid #2: I dunno.
Middle school kid #1: Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
(hilarious laughter ensues)
Middle school kid #2: That’s so funny. (pause) What’s “PMS”?
Middle school kid #1: I think it’s “Post Mental Syndrome” You know, when you dry up and can’t have babies.
–R Train
Woman #1: What’s wrong with Eddie*?
Woman #2: Oh, Eddie* gets claustrophobic in the city.
Little boy: That means he’s afraid of Santa Claus!
–39th St & 6th Ave
Little boy: In the old days, before they had shopping bags, what did they use? Did they use paper bags?
Weary mom: Yes.
Little boy: Really? Brown paper bags?
Mom: Yes.
Little boy: That’s so cool!
–31st Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Brigid
Woman: Do you have any books on violins?
Sales guy: Well, we don’t have a lot about playing them, but we have some about the sensuality of it.
Woman: It’s for a child.
Sales guy: Oh.
–Borders, 57th & Park Ave
