Conductor: Girls on the platform, get on the train. You are making the right choice.

–Manhattan-bound C train

Overheard by: Fish

Conductor: This is Second Ave. Transfer here to the V train. Ladies and gentlemen, the V train across the platform will leave first. [Train empties out.] Psych! [F train leaves first.]

–Crowded F train, 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Jas

Conductor: Go on, now — walk out the door. Just turn around now… Last stop.

–LIRR

Overheard by: not welcome anymore

Conductor, not into mic: Yes, I know this is Broadway. Stop touching that — just stay still for, like, five seconds… God! I swear to God and Jesus and whoever else, if you don’t stop doin’ things, I’m gonna leave you at the next stop! [Into mic] High Street, Brooklyn Bridge, this a Manhattan-bound F train. Stand clear of the closing doors, please. [Not into mic] That is it! This is so the last time I take you to work with me, you little– [mic turns off].

–F train, East Broadway

Overheard by: Mike N

Conductor: This is not a stop! This is not a stop! This is not a stop! [Train stops.] Okay, we’re stopping, but I’m not opening the doors!

–njt

Conductor: This is Grand Central station. Connections can be made here to the A, C, E, N, Q, W, R, and S trains. The rest of the alphabet is not included. Good luck.

–6 train