Moms

10 Bucks Says This Is a Behavioral Science Experiment

Two moms enter with two sleepy 12-year-old girls and a 14-year-old boy.

Mom #1 to boy: Hey! Do that dance! Do your dance and ask everyone for money! Come on, get some change! [Boy sits next to a reading girl and leans on her.] Don’t you want money? Ask that girl for some money! Oh, hey, did I tell you the best thing about prison? They let you smoke up in there.
Girl #1: Weed?
Mom #2: The trick is getting friendly with the guards. You can’t just do it any time you want.
Mom #1: That’s right, because you gotta get a job in prison. I got three jobs. Hey! What’s that girl got? What’s she got? Hey, find out what’s she got!
Boy: Book! Hey. Book!
Mom #1: Book! Haha! You know what you need, son, is pussy. White pussy. White pussy that knows how to read. She’ll take care of you so you can do your business.
Old man enters train, looks at seat next to girls: Can I sit here?
Girl #2: Uh, no.
Mom #2: Move your fucking ass, you lazy fucking piece of shit! No manners — my kids got no manners.

–F train from Queens to Brooklyn

Overheard by: Reading girl

Don’t Embarrass Me, Okay?

Mom: So, is Alex Rodriguez black or Hispanic?
Boy: He’s married.

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Bobby

You Always Hated My Father

Mom: What time is the flight tomorrow?
Dad: Seven a.m. We have to get up at 4:30.
Little girl: Mommy, we’re going on an airplane?
Mom: Yes, honey, we’re going to Florida tomorrow.
Little girl: Why are we going to Florida, Mommy?
Mom: We’re going to Grandpa’s unveiling.
Little girl, terrified: Mommy, I don’t want to see Grandpa. He’s dead and scary.
Dad: [Laughing.]Mom: Robert, shut up!

–Christopher & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

Wednesday One-Liners by Victoria

Puerto Rican girl to another: I never dated a white guy, ’cause they got bad taste in underwear.

–Subway station, Times Square

Overheard by: Mama

Chick: … So I was dancing in the kitchen in my underwear and I looked out the window and the orthodox Yeshiva student guy that lives across the building from me was just staring open-mouthed. I’m never gonna open the curtains in the kitchen again.

–181st St

Overheard by: LSB

Mother to toddler son: Now, honey, close your eyes. This isn’t for you.

–Frederick’s of Hollywood, King’s Plaza

Queer: I totally go out of my way to wear edible thongs to work.

–Library Bar, Houston & Ave A

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Teen girl quickly descending staircase: I didn’t wear a bra again today. My boobs are bouncing down these stairs!

–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island

Suit on cell: Well, I mean, I have thongs… But I really don’t consider those underwear…

–W 4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Laura

Don’t Think I Don’t See What You Do to Your Ken Doll

Six-year-old girl pointing to painting of naked man: I like that one!
Mom: You would.

–Brooklyn Museum

That’s for Emergencies, Not for Pique

Wailing six-year-old boy: But whyyy?!
Mom: Well, I know, honey, but kick him in the shins, don’t kick him in the balls!

–Prince & Broadway

I Said Later… Wait, What?

Teen boy: Mom, is it true that some people are both a man and a woman?
Mom: Yes. Well, sort of. Can we talk about this when we get home?
Teen boy: So does that mean they have, like, both–
Mom: –Yes, honey, now be quiet for a little while, okay?
Teen boy: Does that mean they can, like, do the slinky?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N

Besides, We Need to Wait for the Bloody Hand to Go Away

A woman and four fancifully-dressed little kids are waiting to cross the street.

Little girl: Can’t we cross the streeet? What are we waiting for?!
Stressed mom: Your father. Remember? The guy you want to be cremated with?

–72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: Elm City Lass

Andy Sensed a Dangerous Alliance Forming

Mother: You have to cut her chicken fingers up. I gave her a whole one the other day and she almost choked to death.
Father: I like for her to learn to take bites.
Mother: She’s not ready.
Two-year-old daughter: I’m not ready, Dad.

–Diner, Midtown

No, but That Would Be So Cool

Little boy: Mom, how did the dinosaurs cook their meat?
Mother: They didn’t, they ate it raw.
Little boy: Oh. [Long pause.] Are Japanese people dinosaurs?

–Astoria Park

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