Offers and requests

Pimp My Wednesday One-Liners

Guido: You know what it would mean if I drove a Saab? It would mean I have a big dick.

–Sheepshead Bay theater

Overheard by: sprinkles

JAP on cell: Well, if you guys need a ride I need to call Daddy and tell him to bring the Infinity, not the BMW… Wow, that sounded really JAP-y.

–49th, between 8th & 9th

Restaurant flyer guy: Why a Lamborghini costs so much we don’t know, but we do have food!

–96th & 3rd

Overheard by: Drewster

Guy: We either gotta pay the Russian drivers, threaten the Russian drivers, or kill the Russian drivers.

–Financial District

Ghetto lady: That’s the only thing you can do in a van with no air conditioning — sing.

–Maspeth & Metropolitan Ave, Brooklyn

… Here, Take This Candy.

Toddler in stroller: I… Want… Ball!
Young mother: Oh, like you’ve been good and now you deserve a ball? Are you kidding me?

–Duane Reade, 8th & Broadway

Especially When He’s All Covered in Oil Like That

Flight attendant: Of course, folks, I’m here to help you, so if you want anything just grab a hold of me as I walk by and I’ll do my best to help you in any way I can.
Captain: And make sure you grab a tight hold, ladies and gents — he’s a wily one.

–JFK

Hobo Payback, and This Time It’s Biblical!

Hobo: Can I have some?
Teen eating apple: No.
Hobo: Thank you.
Teen: … Ow, my conscience.

–6 train station

Overheard by: Annie

… You Unwanted Accident

Little boy: Mommy! Mommy! Can we make our own baby tomorrow?
Flustered mom: What? No. What are you talking about?
Little boy: Can we make a baby? Please! Can we please make a baby?
Flustered mom: We’re not making a baby. Not tomorrow or any other day. No more babies. Ever.

–Century 21

Just shut up and keep selling that crack

Little girl: Mommy, can we steal these?
Mother: Not today.

–N train

Overheard by: Shannon

Headline by: chris s.

Runners-Up:
· “Daddy and Timmy Take Mondays” – torqued
· “Monday’s Child Is Fair Of Face, Tuesday’s Child Robs the Place” – h
· “Remember, Rape First, Then Pillage.” – Kristen
· “Today, Mommy’s Going to Teach You How to Turn Tricks!” – jane
· “We’re Just Casing The Joint Today, Sweetie” – Paul K.
· “When Winona Learned Not to Ask” – Tory
· “Would You Pay Attention to the Calendar I Gave You?” – sr86

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

No, Psychokinetically. And Don’t Go All “Carrie” on Me

Mom: Daniel, it’s time you started opening doors for me.
Son: Um… okay.
Mom: Well? [Gestures at doors.]Son: Oh! I thought you meant metaphorically…

–W 111th St

Overheard by: Talker’s Remorse

Headline by: Arliss Travers

Runners-Up:
· “…like When We Played Doctor.” – mike chmiel
· “Just Like Your Allowance” – nobody
· “No, I Meant Vaginally” – DanaLishs
· “Sorry, My Oedipus Complex Doesn’t Kick in for Another Year or Two.” – Andrew G
· “Thalidomide or No, You Work That Flipper Young Man” – bobofthejungle
· “The Birds and the Bees Talk Really Confused Me….” – Breanne S.
· “You Know, Like When You Tell Dad the Garden Needs Watering” – Jonty

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

While Visualizing It Turning into Vitamins

Little girl: Mommy, can I have ice cream?
Mom: No! Not until you finish your McDonald’s. Then you can have that ice cream.

–Atlantic Center

Overheard by: Ms.Zipcar

What Are They Talking About? Discuss.

Male student: Hey, do you want to watch Harold and Maude later?
Female student #1: Is that the one–? Never mind.
Male student: Wait, what were you going to say?
Female student #1: Is that the one with the hippos?
Male student: What are you talking about?
Female student #1: One wore a suit jacket, and the other wore a little dress…
Male student, later: Wanna see Harold and Maude later?
Female student #2: Is that the one with the hippos? Did one of them have a hat?

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Olivia

I’m Taking This Attribute and Running with It

Lady: Miss, would you please put that cigarette out?
Little person: Miss, mind your own business.
Lady: Well, I don’t need to breathe that. It’s not good for you.
Little person: Yeah, I hear it stunts your growth.

–Bus stop, Cross Bay Blvd & Liberty Ave

Overheard by: Vinnie

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