Old People

I’m Thankful for My Health

Girl #1: Oh no, I can feel my pulse in my neck!
Girl #2: You can always feel your pulse in your neck, douchebag.
Girl #1: No, but it’s, like, really strong.

–Washington Square Park

Bag lady: I have osteoporosis.
Hobo: Ostoprognosis? Is that serious?
Bag lady: Well, I might die from it. It makes you boneless. I have no bones. Like a Perdue chicken.
Hobo: So it turns you into a skeleton!

–2 train

Guy: I wish I could turn my fat into gold.

–18th & 5th

Overheard by: basselope

Old cashier lady: Sixteen years ago they gave me 72 hours to live. I only have three arteries in my heart.
Old customer lady: How many are you supposed to have?
Old cashier lady: Four.
Old customer lady: Oh. That’s not that bad…

–Stop and Shop, Astoria

Overheard by: Dan

Skinny Hatchet-faced People

Old lady: That’s the brownstone where Matthew lives with Sarah Jessica Parker. She didn’t grow up in the West Village, you know.
Old man: All that money they make, you think they’d never settle for a house that’s only 18 feet wide.
Old lady: Only skinny people can live there.

–7th & Charles

Your Overheard Guide to New York

Guy #1: Well, to the west is Chelsea, down past 14th Street is the Village, uptown is Harlem, down past Houston is Soho; the Lower East Side is South past the Village.
Guy #2: What’s this area called?
Guy #1: I have no idea…

–15th & 2nd

Overheard by: Bucky Turco

Old tour man: This is Chelsea, where the homosexual male and homosexual female live. To the right you can spot an interesting haircut on that man. That’s called a Tommyhawk haircut.

–Gray Line bus, 14th & 7th

Overheard by: Hank Luxford

A Prescription of Wednesday One-liners

Old lady: I’m telling you: she’s allergic to snow!

–28th & Park

Overheard by: Eliot Glazer

He Means His Wingman, the Cop

Drunk lady: I don’t know how you get all those fuckin’ girls. You’re
motherfuckin’ 70 years old!
Old man: My dick. My big fuckin’ dick.

–Carroll Gardens

Ten Years, Give or Take

Old man #1: …so she processes it and hands me back the form and it hits me like a ton of bricks: Senior! I’m a senior now! Do I look like a senior?
Old man #2: …How long do I have to answer that?

–Elevator, Worth & Church

Overheard by: Cap’n Mid-nite

Time to Change the Dressing on That Wound

Old man: Yeah, so the doctor told me to put mayonnaise on my head and cucumbers on my eyes. There’s just so much you have to do. I was like, “What is this, a fruit salad?”
Woman: That’s not a fruit salad, that’s a Caesar salad.
Old man: Right, a Caesar salad. Anyway, about that truck.

–2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: Tibbie X

He Means…Himself! (Happy Halloween)

Old Latina: Nice flowers.
Hispanic guy: Thanks. Unfortunately, they’re for a dead person.

–1 train

Overheard by: Chris McDade

Keep Holding the Rest of Us Up, You Dumb Farts

Old lady: Julian! Get in the elevator, we are holding it for you.
Old man: I am in the elevator, it’s just my ass that was dragging behind.

–Apartment building, 66th & West End

Overheard by: Lubes

Old lady: I’m not moving until the light says go.
Old man: Yeah, you don’t want to get that rundown feeling.

–Crown Heights

Overheard by: Jamie Lloyd

75 Years of Crazy Interrupting Experience, Too

Chick: Okay guys, I’m going to subway surf in heels. I haven’t done it in so long, I hope I don’t fail.
Old man: You will fail.
Chick: Oh…
Old man: 75% of your weight is on your toes, only 25% is on your heel. You will fall. That’s from 25 years of martial arts experience.

–R train

Overheard by: Alyson Leigh

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