On the Subway

Grandma, What Big Wednesday One-Liners You Have!

Girl on cell: Stop talking about my grandmother’s ba-donka-donk!

–6th & 2nd

Girl on cell: So, she walked in on me getting out of the shower again this morning… Yeah, I guess I could put a lock on the door, but I’m really starting to think that my grandma just likes seeing me naked in the morning.

–School of Visual Arts

Overheard by: dobby

Chick on cell: What should I get for Grandma? No, I’m not at a mall, I’m on the street… No, I don’t see anything she’d like, unless… Do you think Grandma wants a bong?

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Heather

Dude to hot chick: I’d rather have sex with you than my grandma.

–1 train

Overheard by: bldlube

Guy on cell: So then he’s like, ‘Dude, are you in prison again?’ And I was like, ‘No, dude, I’m talking to you online. How could I be in prison?’ And he was like, ‘There was a computer when I was in prison. I mean, you had to suck dick to get online, but whatever.’ And I was like, ‘Dude, I’m at my grandma’s house. We’re having tea and shit.’

–E 14th St & Irving

God: I Know! Did You Hear That Guy?

Guy, about subway preacher’s Bible-thumping: Well, I’m converted. I don’t know about the rest of you. Fucking bastard…

–F train, Rockefeller Center

Now Kindly Retract Your Tongue

Drunk guy: Do you dare me to lick this pole?
Girl: I don’t have my camera on me, so not right now. Maybe some other time.

–Queens-bound F train

I Can’t Even Remember the Alamo

15-year-old drunk girl: I wanna fuck someone. Let’s find a Mexican for me.
15-year-old drunk guy: Dude, you’re gonna get me killed!
15-year-old drunk girl: I can’t see straight. Where are we?
15-year-old drunk guy: I don’t know.

–G train

Overheard by: Andrew

Is There Anything Hotter Than Geek-Girls?

Chick #1: Oh my god! You have Sonic the Hedgehog on your phone?! I used to love his partner. What was her name? Oh, yeah, it was ‘Tails’!
Chick #2: Yeah, they used to call me that at my old job.
Chick #1: They used to call you ‘Sonic’ at work?
Chick #2: They used to call me ‘Tails,’ not ‘Sonic,’ motherfucker.

–L train

Overheard by: yooo nellehh!!!

But in a Hot Way

Blonde WASP: Yeah, and Kristen’s hot!
Brunette WASP: But only once you get to know her…
Blonde WASP: Yeah, you’re totally right… She kinda looks like Marilyn Manson.
Brunette WASP: Oh my god, it’s true! But in a hot way.
Blonde WASP, later on: He totally had to get a septuplet bypass.
Brunette WASP: That sounds so bad.
Blonde WASP: Yeah, they take veins from your leg! He was so fat.

–N train

Overheard by: JayTro

And Hired a Hitman

Chick: They just hate me so much. I bet they were so happy when we broke up last spring.
Dude: Yeah, they took me out to dinner.

–2 train

I Was Just Testing You

Girl #1: Doesn’t it turn you on when two guys kiss?
Girl #2: Um… No… Not really…
Girl #1: … Oh, yeah… Me neither…

–6 train

Giraffe-Americans Often Encounter Discrimination at Work

Black woman #1: Who’s that big girl in your store?
Black woman #2: [Laughs.]Black woman #1: She is really big! And she looks young, too.
Black woman #2: [Nods head.]Black woman #1: How old is she?
Black woman #2: Twenty-two.
Black woman #1: Get the fuck outta here! She is too big. She needs a transplant or something.

–L train

Overheard by: John

And a Nice Thermite Weave

Woman: Damn, girl, I wanna get a nice coffin, and I can’t be all hanging out and shit.
Friend: That’s so true! When I leave, I wanna leave with a bang. I’m gonna get my nails done, and my ears did…

–5 train

Overheard by: ears did?

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